A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, "Shut up...you're next".....

A guy was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling--I'll see you in two hours!"

Lizzy7701 said:

Poor Granny.!
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' home to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother tearfully replied: "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people, nearly 100 yrs old, having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied her gran, "many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the Sunday morning church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply moving in time with the Ding and the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear and continued: " He would be alive today, if that wretched Mr Whippy van hadn't passed by."

269 said:

I wanna be a granny like that

Chico319 said:

OMG.... Look at the guy looking what was she thinking

And they say that there is no such a thing as A PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone
on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at
him in stonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A 7 year old boy walks into the bathroom and catches his father putting on a condom.
He says " Daddy, what are you doing?"
His father replies " I'm trying to catch a mouse!"
The little boy says "What are you going to do after you catch it, fuck it?"

crazyhorse said:

M

269 said:

crazyhorse said:

269 said:

Paul Mcartney gathers the children round to deliver the sad news that their mother Linda has passed away.

'Well there's good news and bad news' says Paul

'The bad news is your mother's dead.'

'The good news is it's steak and chips for tea!'

soulyacolia said:

oh hon I really like you I do...but that wasn't the most tasteful joke I've ever heard

I'm sorry

EarthAirFireWater said:

Sorry 'tisse

soulyacolia said:

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

rocknrolldave

EarthAirFireWater said:

back atcha! great to see you back here hun! I'd hoped you wouldn't stay away too long!

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think
of
a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife
asleep
in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He
proceeded
to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently
squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with
ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom
to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his
wife
there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She
said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each
other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and
smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified,
she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's
gonna
see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine
if! we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so
much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you
can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the
girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy
voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do
it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for
God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

noonblueapples said:

i feel kinda sick

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a
cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it,
he
asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the
top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and
found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired
nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend
then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl
replied, "That's me before the operation."

soulyacolia said:

your in trouble now Ben

So there was this little boy who had been punished and sent to bed after having his supper...

Dad: Lights out...now you think about what you did tonight!

(father walks out of the room and goes into the other room with the mother)

The little boy yells out

Daaaaadddddyyyyy....I'm thirsty....can you bring me a glass of water?

Dad: No you've been a naughty boy...go back to sleep!

...five minutes go by...

Daaaaadddddyyyyy I'm thirsty can you brign me a glass of water?????

Dad: What did I tell you! Go back to bed! Next time you holler I'm going to come in and spank you.


...five minutes go by....

DDDDDAAAAADDDDDYYYYY????? When you come in to spank me.....CAN YOU BRING ME A GLASSSSS OF WATTTTTER?????



its not the funniest but i thought that was cute

A woman dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks. "Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It is just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fited for a halo." A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?" she asks anxiously. "Oh, don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It is just someone getting holds drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings." The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the woman. "But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that".