This is random - but so is much of everything else here. I used to see this guy about a year ago. It didn't work out, good sex, but we were just not that compatible. Well, we kept in touch, mainly through email. One day a few months ago, he asked me to lunch. I didn't think much of it, especially because I knew he had a new girlfriend.

During lunch, he asked me to fuck him, no strings, I agreed, and it was great. Now, I'm starting to feel bad for the girlfriend. We've been having sex on and off for a few months. We go to a hotel, he pays, its great. I don't think either of us wants more than sex - should I contine? Or, should I stop because he has a girlfriend? I do believe in karma, and I'm worried, but I have needs?

Someone, please enlighten me!!!



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obviously, helping him cheat on his girlfriend is BAD karma. think of how you would feel if you were in her place?

How do you know he has a GF?

And if you do know he does...what kind of moral compass are you looking for? I usually go for the one where I put myself in the place of the other person being hurt...and go from there.

evenstar3 said:

I know it has to be bad karma, but when we have sex - its like he just isn't getting it at home or something. I think I will stop - its hard to find something as easy as this. We're safe about it. I try and talk to him about her, and why he is doing this, but he avoids the topic. I do feel guilty tho...


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superspaceboy said:

I believe he has a girlfriend because he told me about it, before the lunch date, and because he is spending the money for a hotel room. When him and I first got together, he had his own place and I used to spend the night. Now it takes place in a hotel, and usually in a few hours time, and that's it. I guess I figured as long as he wasn't married - it wasn't a huge deal. He must not take his relationship that serious. I guess he just wants sex with more than one person. I don't like it, just from a cleanliness (sp?) stand point. I don't feel horrible because I don't love him, if I did have some deeper feelings, I really really couldn't do it.


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[Edited 5/20/05 13:11pm]

Thats bad

He's the one who's fucking up, so the dirt will be on him.

Keep enjoying yourself until it becomes drama. Then bounce.

EvilWhiteMale said:

aaah, there I knew someone would eventually say what I wanted to hear. I figure he'd serve as a nice backup for "rainy" days until the right person comes along. I didn't have sex for almost a year and it was driving me crazy! I guess I want to get a sense of how bad this is, you know the saying, so close to the forest can't see the trees..


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The guy is scum of the earth. Leave while you can before the girlfriend finds out. Who knows, she may be some lunatic who might come for you one night.

gabeez said:

Life is too short.

I've been in a few situations where I was the "other guy," and I generally didn't have a problem with that as long as there was no drama. I don't approve of cheating cuz I think people should just be honest, but that's not your problem being the other woman.

Just don't get serious with this guy, even if he offers to leave his girlfriend for you. Otherwise you'll end up where she is now.

TMPletz said:

I don't think he's scum - just dishonest. I did think, man maybe he always does this, sleeps with his ex's? Maybe he did it to me, maybe he's sleeping with a few ex's, 4, 5? eeewww! The girlfriend has to have an idea. I know I had that suspicion when we were together - again, I knew it wasn't going to last-so I wasn't to troubled by it. I do feel bad for her and I do believe in monogomy. I would never do that to someone I cared for.



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EvilWhiteMale said:

I hear you on the drama part, my life is cool right now. Not being in a relationship does leave you with a lot less drama, so that's why this is nice. I don't have to worry about it - I know I'm not deceiving anyone - he is.

I won't fall for this guy, we just don't click like that. Some days, I feel like why am I still talkin to this dude? We don't have great or even good conversations, and that's important. I only talk to him once or twice a week - if that. I like being single, but I also look forward to meeting someone that I can both kiss and talk to, someone I can be friends with!

Thanks for your thoughts - very much appreciated.


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gabeez said:

If you do believe in monogamy, try to believe in monogamy for him and his girlfriend as well. Using someone just for sex just doesn't seem right to me, but that's my own morals speaking there. I don't expect everyone to share them.

TMPletz said:

no its not right, but we both know that that's all it is. He knows I'm not wanting anything more. I've told him that I didn't think we could be a couple, and he seemed to already know that. So if he knows, then its not like I'm misleading him. What's not right is him having a girlfriend and her not knowing. I figure, having a good sex life keeps me sane! Otherwise, I'll be grumpy - so in some ways, I'm making life for those around me much better. I'm upbeat, in a good mood, I work out more than I normally would...there seems to be more pros, at least for me. I'm trying to tell him to break up with her cause its not fair to her if he isn't happy. (regardless of me) He refuses to share his thoughts about it..


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TMPletz said:

oh - almost forgot. As far as monogomy

I do believe in managomy - but he obviously doesn't. Who am I to impose my ideas on others...?


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[Edited 5/20/05 14:48pm]

gabeez said:

It seems like you've already made up your mind; you're just looking for someone to encourage you. I'm not going to either encourage or discourage you since I've sorta kinda been "the other man" too (we never had sex, but we used to make out) and I can see that it can be complicated.

This is what I see that could make your situation okay from your perspective:

1. He is definitely the one who should take the main blame, obviously. He's the one who's cheating, not you.
2. If he wasn't seeing you, he'd most likely see someone else, so you're not really making something happen that wouldn't happen anyway.
3. This one is perhaps more far-fetched, but: If he's cheating, his relationship probably isn't good anyway. A lot of people get stuck for years in bad relationships. This situation might speed up the breakup, which would be good for everybody.
4. You're both adults who know what you're doing, so nobody is being used or misled by false promises about breakups (I wouldn't say that his girlfriend is "used" per se either). This isn't always the case, mind you.

This is what makes it not okay:

1. You are contributing to an act that is morally wrong.
2. You are contributing to an act that might cause a lot of heartache for a (potentially) innocent person.
3. This is the flip-side of the previous point 2: He might not have done this unless you had come along. Maybe they were at a fragile stage of their relationship and now something that could have been life-long might have gotten ruined.
4. In the long run, neither of you will feel good about this.

Personally I would never cheat on anybody. That's just not my thing. But I don't think being "the other person" is quite as black or white. As long as you're not the one who initiated it, it's hard to say that it's completely right or completely wrong.

Edit: spelling
[Edited 5/20/05 15:01pm]

gabeez said:

You are being used, dump him. And you are just as bad as him coz you are using him too.

luv4u said: