Yup, let's get a smile up

ok, here goes:


a few guys are sitting in the dressing room of a gym, when suddenly a cell phone rings.
One of the guys answers, and conversation opens:
Woman: "Honey, is that you?"

Guy: "umm...yes."

Woman: "Listen, I'm in a mall 2 blocks away from you, and I saw think fabulous mink coat. It's only $1,500, can I buy it?"

Guy: "Only $1,500 you say? ok, sure."

Woman: "Oh, and I passed through a Mercedes dealership and they said they could give us a good trade for our old BMW, and we only have to add $60,000 more. What do you say?"

Guy: "$60,000 sounds good, but make sure for that ammount they add all the extras."

Woman: "Oh, and BTW, I spoke to the real estate agency, and the house we saw last year is on sale, only $450,000. I think we should take it, pretty pleeeaaasse???"

Guy: "Ok, but take them down to $420,000, ok?"

Woman: "Thank you sweetheart!! Love you, bye..."

Guy hangs up and says "Hey, does anybody know whos phone is this?"

a jewish guy, a muslim guy and a christian guy walk in2 a bar and...

actually i'll skip, not the right audience

0101010101010101010101010 said:

Southwest Airlines has the Answer
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines
from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned
to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her
son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to
ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby
planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you."

one liners...

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people; he made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on our computer.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

This is one of my favourites, not a joke actually:

Dear Lord,

I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man

Love, To forgive him

And patience, For his moods

Because Lord, if I pray for Strength

I'll just beat him to death.

Whats the difference between Light and Hard?.....

You can sleep with a light on...








Clap edit
[Edited 10/4/04 6:35am]

A man goes to see a shrink with cellophane wrapped around his lower body. He tells the shrink his problem and asks him what he thinks.

The shrink says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? - Cliff.

What do you call a man with a ceiling on his head? - Norman Tebbit.

An American tourist in London, decided to leave his group and check out the sites by himself.
He passed a few streets, every street he entered the pub to absorb some of the local culture.

After a while he has found himself in a hi class neighborhood, fancy houses, no pubs, no restaurant, but the problem was, there were also no public rest rooms.

He started feeling some pressure down there from all the beers he had earlier, and looked for a place to releif himself.
He reach this tall wall, blocked by two buildings, and thought he has found a solution.
He opened up his pants and suddenly he feels a tap on his shoulder.
A local policeman was behind him, says "You can't do that here, Sir."
"I'm so sorry officer," says the man "but I feel a lot of pressure down there and I can't find any public rest rooms."
"Follow me," says the officer. They walk around the building, the officer opens a gate and says "Here, you can do that here"
The man enters the gate, into this very beautiful garden. a lot of nice flowers, tall trees, and beautiful green grass. But since the officer said he could use that, he did.
After he was done, he turns to the officer and says "Wow, that was very kind of you, officer. Is that what you call British welcoming?"
"No," says the officer "That's what we call the French Embassy"

A man walks into the doctors....



Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"



Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."



Doc - "What??"



Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."



Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be

a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?

Man - "Not really"

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a

boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the

sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful"



Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times

the salary and I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"



Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags

non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets"



Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."



Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"



Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."



Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"



Man - "Watch porn and eat Wotsits. "

A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.

He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender. The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks.

They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the rest room and he left the ducks there on the bar.

The bartender was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.

The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.

"Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck.

"Huey," replied the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day!

What else could a duck want?" said the duck.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck,

"Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!" said the duck in reply.

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!"

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

How do you turn a duck into soul singer?

Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers.

Mr. Brown the old history teacher had a dirty mouth. He was always saying something off color or suggestive.
One day after class, Sally approaches his desk with a flock of girls in tow. "Mr. Brown," she said, "We are tired of your filthy remarks and we aren't going to put up with in anymore! The next time you say something nasty in class, we are all going to complain to the principal." Mr. Brown was silent and the girls stormed off thinking they had cowed him.
The next day as everyone arrives in class, Mr. Brown is reading the newspaper. The bell rings, but he continues to read. Finally, he looks up and says, "Oh girls, you should find this interesting. The government is recruiting working girls to go to Afghanistan and screw the servicemen over there for $100 a day."
All at once the girls get up and head for the door.
"Wait a minute!" shouted Mr. Brown. "The boat doesn't leave till Thursday!"