Natisse said:

How awful...

The spirit is amazing! And, I always tend to look at it as this... if I give up now, I'll have to come back and do it all over again. May as well stick through it and get it done this time around.

And, yes, I caught your signature. 'Tis very true. May add that to a post-it.

I've ben in an abusive situation and I understand a lot of the things you posted. I'm so glad you were able to find the strength to live and love again. I am glad you found happiness and peace that a wonderful person like you deserves.

supa, you are one of the most wonderful people i have met here, my life has truely been changed by knowing you and talking to you. you are brave for sharing your story, as well as wonderful - you never know who you may touch through your words and experiences. i wish nothing but happiness for you.... and again, im glad that i have gotten to know you you are a gift to anyone you come in contact with, always, ALWAYS remember that

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

You're loved big.

AzureStar thank U for your story
I always feel I shouldn't be fussing, I was never fiscally abused. There was no force, just mental persuasion and all in a loving way.
He used the excuse of wanting to teach me stuff and told me not to tell my mum for she wouldn't understand his way.
This all made it so damned difficult for me, I look at him and see my first boyfriend, my first lover. I felt so guilty to wards my mom. I new my dad was cheating on her and I was the one he was cheating on her with. I felt I betrayed her.
This disturbed my relationship with her and as soon as I got old enough to understand how wrong all these things were I hated myself for it.
I eventually told my dad I didn't want it anymore, but he would still try ones in a while and start touching me in the wrong places.

I started to do drugs, alcohol and sex to try and escape the bad feelings. Desperately trying to find someone that loved me for me and not for sex, I fled from one guy to another (how wrong and confused can one get huh.. )

After many mistakes, one divorce and 20 years of counseling I finally feel I'm free of this abuse and able to live life the way it should be.
10 years ago I met this guy who liked me for who I am. I told him my problems and warned him I was a difficult person to be around.
Still he wanted me for me and I can truly say he saved my live and supported me to find myself in every way possible. (he didn't give into my manipulations and just kept on being himself, that was the best thing he could've done (lol... it frustrated the hell out of me in the beginning though ).

I hope you all find someone that can support you like that. And if I hear your story AsureStar I believe you have, it's hard but worth every bit to learn how to live with someone that loves you for who you are. (I mean to say, don't give up )

OK another long story Thanks for giving me a chance to tell it Supa
I hope others that are mentally abused read this and realize abuse is abuse, now matter how it was done. It's wrong and you are the only one capable of stopping it!

mum edit
[Edited 9/18/04 3:02am]

TO SUPA AND TEACHER AND ALL WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS EXPERIENCE IN LIFE.



KNOW THAT U R LOVED

Whateva said:

Whateva, you are the best!

sag10 said:

Thanks so are you you're a warm and loving person

Whateva said:

This made me smile! I'm so glad that you found the strength to work through it all, to get through it all... and, in the end, found a wonderful man that wouldn't give up on you.

Big hugs to ya, whateva!

AzureStarr said:

Thanks hun

it took a long time for me to find out how i wanted to respond on this thread, i mean i already gave my hugs, but i wanted to say something too.

i am just amazed with the strength of all of you who have suffered from abuse to get through everything and i applaud you for that! that is why i come up with this quote from Iyanla Vanzant:

(...) Are you not the one who has been there for you - holding you up -
pushing you on - encouraging you - applauding you?
Who did that for you, if not you?

Who was there when you cried and ached and believed in the depth of your being
that you could not, you simply would not make it through another day.

You said - Huh, oh yes you will, and you gave whatever was needed, whenever it was needed to get you back on track.

Who do you think is responsible for how you are growing - how you have grown ,
all that you have learned and grasped and now understand and realize;
which has put a new song in your heart as you walk on a new path. (...)

dawntreader said:

This is beautiful. Thank you dawntreader.

TheOrgerFormerlyKnownAs said:

Beautiful indeed Thank you DT for the wonderful quote

Azurestar said:

I think that divorce is integral to our discussions about domestic abuse. For both of us, and for many others, divorce is a factor that helped to shape our confidence level and our self esteem. That is the most common aspect in all our stories, the lack of self esteem, self worth or confidence. It definitely plays a part in how we act later in life.

One of my cousins ended up pregnant at 12 from a 20 something drug dealer. People would just look at her and think she's just a slut, but she had been sexually abused her whole life and sexuality was the way she understood how to get attention and "love" from men.

.
[Edited 9/16/04 10:51am]

dawntreader said:

Do you realize how much I love you?

to Whateva, TOFKA, and Supa:

Byron said:

co-sign... and to all who shared here.

heya sweetpea

first of all this is very brave of you, and i'm glad you recognized and hopefully broke the cycle. my first serious relationship was an abusive one as well and fortunately i got out of it, and from it learned what i would never accept in a relationship.

i think it is supremely important that we all recognize our own value.

your stock is high sweetie, don't ever, EVER sell yourself short.

*kisses*

-jenn

WOW.


Just WOW.




I don't think I have the words, so

meow85 said:

Thanks That's enough.

Oh my god, reading all this stuff just breaks my heart. You are all so fucking brave though!

A big for everyone of you.

It sures makes me want to be the best parent that I can possibly be for my little ones. It just may be the single most important thing that I will ever do in my life.

bkw said:

It's the single most important any parent does in this life. It has always made me so happy to see the pictures of you and your babies. You can see that they are happy and that you are their protector and light. The love you give your babies is the best gift you can ever give them.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Thanks Supa.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

co-sign

for you BKW

Babycakes, u know I love u so much, and your creating this thread only goes further in reinforcing the foundations of our friendship - ur truly a special person I am honoured 2 know, and cherished 2 have in my life.

U touched on this with me before - but not on such a level, although I knew it was so much more - just not HOW much more.

It touched me on a lot of levels as a lot rang home true with me and brought back not only a lot of bad memories id buried, but made me remember how strong I can be, and how I do have the ability 2 get up walk away and say no.

So I'll add my story...

About 3 years ago I was dating the most wonderful guy. His name was Danny and I have had never felt so blessed with happiness as I had with Him. This story is not about Him per-se, but he does have some part 2 play in it's back-story.

I met Danny in a niteclub in manchester earlier that same year - quite by chance. I was doin somethin I shouldnt have been doin, (ill leave that 2 yer imagination) and he liked what he saw and we started chattin. He gave me his e-male address, and as soon as I got home I tried 2 fire a mail off 2 him. But the address had been written down wrong in that dark niteclub, and so kept bouncing back. I tried every permutation I could think of - but they all did the same.

There was only one thing 4 it - travel the length of the country every weekend back 2 the very same niteclub until I DID see him again. However long it took, I was gonna do it - he'd rocked my world that much, I was prepared 2 do it - even tho I knew he wasnt even from Manchester and was just visiting.

I did this 4 about 6 weeks.... and I finally bumped in2 Him again around valentines day. He hugged me, and we cried - I hadnt passed on my details 2 Him, and He said he was mortified when he realised what had happened. I told him I had been coming up 2 Manchester every weekend 4 the past 6 weeks or so in the vain hope I would see him again, 2 which he was floored - he asked me out on the spot, and that was that.

Never have I felt so superhuman as I did with Him - everything was just amazing, and I still say even now that it was THE most wonderful, dizzying time of my life, and even if I could do it all again and yet be unable 2 change a thing, I would in a shot.

Anyway, long-assed back-story short.... we called it a day about 3 months in2 it - down 2 two reasons - the distance was starting 2 become a problem, and.... *sigh* i cheated on Him - well... kinda. I met someone who promised me the world on a plate, and all I saw was that, and nothing more. In hindsight it taught me a very important lesson. I couldnt believe I was so selfish and self-centered as 2 toss somebody aside just because 'something better' came along. I NEVER thought I was like that, and was quite shocked 2 find that all of a sudden Id been drawn in by someone flashing a future at me I never thought Id attain. It's not something im proud of, but im man enough 2 admit it.

Whilst with Danny, I NEVER slept or had any sexual relations with this man who was a Sgt in the Army. There WAS a sexual chemistry there - but I think it was more my loins acting than my heart or brain. I told him I was involved, and that I would end it with Danny, as I just knew that something was going 2 happen at some point, and I wanted out before it happened as I wanted 2 lessen the damage it would cause.

I left Danny. He got a 'Dear John' letter - a cop-out really. He deserved SO much more than I gave him. I really let him down badly, and Ive never really forgiven myself since. I told my parents I was moving across the country 2 be with this guy, who was in the army, well paid job, respected, own house, car etc etc. I left my job, I left my friends and family - and I moved 2 the other side of the country within the space of a few weeks with every single thing that I owned.

It wasn't long before the law was laid down. I was 2 keep the house tidy, and have his meal on the table waiting 4 him when he came home. My monthly college loan would be paid by him - however, it wasnt long before he started playing mind games, with him leaving it as long as possible, therefore getting me 2 ASK him 2 pay it (not having any income this was it - this was my only source, and prevention of going under). That alone felt horrible and demoralising, but that was just one of the first of many guilt & power trips - it wasnt long before I started 2 feel trapped, burdened by the 4 walls and my own guilt. Id made myself my own cage - and it wasnt the gilded one Id been led 2 believe.

The mental abuse got steadily worse over the weeks - when I asked about getting a part-time job, he said he wanted me at home so he 'knew the place was being taken care of' and 'knew what I was up 2'. When I asked about going out on my own clubbing so I could try and make some friends (of which I had absolutely none there) he steadfastly refused. He had this way about him that he could shoot a glare that would go right through u and just turn me 2 stone, most of the time I would just look at the floor and fell like I was dying inside. Then the beatings started - and the sex got rougher, 2 the point where it was more like he was taking something out on me as apposed to 2 people caring about each other.

Things came 2 a head one saturday morning when he totally flipped out becuase I had placed a pair of his trousers in the washbin - and I mean REALLY flipped out. I remember him throwing shit around the front room bellowing at the top of his lungs with me scared out of my wits running up the stairs, and locking myself in the bathroom. When things went quiet, I dashed in2 the bedroom, grabbed my wallet, and left the house. I headed 4 the train station, and made my way 2 see a friend I hadnt seen in years who I knew lived about an hours journey away.

When the phone call came, I told him I would be staying over at my friends 2nite as I thought it best we both calmed down, and that I would see him 2morrow. His response was a simple: 'if u dont get your ass back here before midnight, dont bother coming back at all' before putting the phone down. With him it was all or nothing - no quarter given, and all about control.

I'd gone from being the happiest guy in the world, exuding confidence with the most beautiful man Id ever seen in my life on my arm, 2 being under virtual house-arrest, afraid 2 say anything 4 risking making the 'Sgt' angry. It came 2 a point where I felt like I was (quite literally) walking on eggshells - I felt like I was on the verge of some kind of breakdown.

Ironically, thoughout all this, the one constant may come as some surprise...Danny. He was the one thing in my life during that time who was on the phone telling me 2 snap out of it and get the fuck out of there asap.

I told 'the Sgt' that I wanted 2 go home and visit my parents etc 4 a week or so, which (somewhat miraculously) he permitted. I came home, and tried 2 take stock of what was goin on, where I was at, what had gone wrong, and what was I going 2 do about it? I arranged a job interview 4 a few weeks time, and made a date 2 return back 2 the sweatbox.

I arranged a date with my friend who lived an hour away from me back there, 2 come and pick me up the morning after I returned. Upon my return 'The Sgt' let me have it all guns blazing about why Id been away so long, and the house looked a mess becuase of it etc - I took it all on the chin, knowing I wouldnt have 2 put up with this abuse and anguish 4 much longer - it just made me more resiliant. The next morning I watched Him from the window as he left 4 work, and I watched him drive up the road, and in2 the distance.

As soon as he was out of site, I rang my friend 2 tell him 2 make his way down, and I started throwing what i could of my possesions in2 whatever boxes I could find - scared out of my mind that any moment he would return. When my friend arrived, he found me in a heap on the floor crying - I didnt know what 2 do next, I didnt know what 2 take, what I couldnt fit in the car etc - I had 2 leave so so much behind (there is still much there) - it felt like I had left a huge chunk of my life behind me, it was a bittersweet victory.

It didnt stop there, but I knew I was safe and surrounded by people who cared 4 me which got me through. But he continued the mental battering until he finally gave up. I guess I put up with it 4 so long because I quite clearly remember at one point thinking: 'this is nothing less than I deserve - what goes around, comes around...'

My confidence, and self-esteem went through the wars with that man, and I learnt so much about myself in those times too - both good and bad. It was like I had opened Pandora's Box - full of such tantalising delights, but each tainted with a soul-destroying poison.

Someone must have been smiling down on me, as I had my job interview 4 the music store 2 days after I returned. Im still with them now - they gave me that job on the spot. I dont really know what I would have done if I hadnt got that job right then - things could have been so much more drawn out. Slowly my confidence returned, and I reclaimed my self-esteem.

I still think about Danny 2 this very day - we lost contact not long after that, he stopped speaking 2 me. I get the impression that yes, he was concerned 4 me, and I heard through friends that he was absolutely devastated at what I had done - which was really hard 2 hear, but nothing less than I deserved. Maybe he thought his part in that sorry story was now done, and that the rest was up 2 me. We've not seen or spoken 2 each other in over 2 years, and it kinda kills me - knowing he's (hopefully) still out there somewhere,hoping he's ok etc.

I've been thinking about getting in touch with Him again - I still have his address. But something keeps holding me back - what that is I dont know, but there is a huge space in my heart where I know he belongs. Even though I am with someone else now, and very very happy with them, he was my first love, and nothing can ever quite explain that 2 someone else. We've all felt it, we've all done bad things or made stupid mistakes - errors of the heart. Maybe the reason I hold back from contacting Danny is that I know that if all of that hadn't happened, I wouldnt be where I am now with who Im with now.
I dont know, maybe I never will. But God - I miss him. I just hope one day I can forgive myself 4 the pain I caused him.

Think this song from Def Leppard's 'X' album totally sums up the whole Danny fuck-up 4 me, I always think of him when I hear it:

Long, Long Way To go
You held my hand and then you slipped away
And I may never see your face again
So tell me how to fill the emptiness inside
Without love, what is life

And anyone who knew us both can see
You always were the better part of me
I never wanted to be this free
All this pain, does it go away

Then every time I turn around
And you're nowhere to be found
I know I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you
Oh, I got a long, long way I know
Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew
To you, to you

From memory, there is no hiding place
Turn on the TV and I see you there
In every crowd there's always someone with your face
Everywhere, trying not to care

Then every time I turn around
And you're nowhere to be found
I know I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you
Oh, I got a long, long way I know
Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew

To you, I wish you everything
And all the best that life can bring
I only hope you think of me sometimes,
And even though I feel the pain
I know that I will love again
The time will come, and I'll move on

I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you
I got a long, long way to go, got a long way I know
Before I can say goodbye, before I say goodbye
To all I ever knew, to all I ever knew
I got a long, I got a long, long way to go, long way to go
Before I can say, before I say, goodbye to you
Say goodbye, say goodbye
I got a long, long way I know
Before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew
I wish you the best I know, and all of the rest, to you
I got a long, long way to go
Before I can say goodbye to you...
(W. Hector / S. Robson)
[Edited 9/19/04 16:01pm]
[Edited 11/3/04 15:57pm]

2 Supa and all the other survivors,

My heart I give 2 U all 4 being as heroic in ur travels
My friendship I give 2 U all 4 entrusting me with ur journeys
My love I give 2 U all 4 the power of words U express

Peace and LOVE!!!!

Dmsrhotwitu said:

Without you, I would not have my LA family! I love you Ang

the soul of a fellow survivor is truly a remarkable and inspiring thing...

bananacologne said:

Nans

Thank you for sharing this story. I'm glad that you learned something from it

I totally remember that fear. I got to the point that I would not even make eye contact with people because to my boyfriend, that was a sign that I was guilty. It just became easier to not even acknowledge others, he couldn't say I was flirting.

It is amazing how quickly you find yourself in a trap? It really is like the frog in the pot. You know, the story of the frog who is swimming around in a pot of water. A small flame is lit under it and is turned up ever so slightly. The frog doesn't even notice the heat at first and because the water feels so comfortable. But over time the increasing heat makes the water boil and the frog never knew it was in danger. It's almost as if you wake up one morning and wonder how in the world you got to where you are.

You know what else I discovered? That people don't necessarily even have to come from bad backgrounds in order to fall prey to an abuser. All it takes is for someone to be vulnerable, and for someone to slip through that opening, no matter how small it is.

Nans, I hope that you can reconcile things with Danny, if nothing more at least on a friendship level. The void that you feel is awful and not one I want my friend to have. Love you

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

Thanku Richard - Im still waiting 2 hear if He's got my recent card 2 Him - I know it hasnt been signed for yet, and is at their local delivery depot awaiting their pick-up and signature. I just hope his family hasnt moved - not being able 2 reconcile this will leave this wound open and bleeding 4 years 2 come otherwise - hell, it's been well over 2 already, and it still dominates many (surprisingly different) aspects of my life, and of course, my personality.

Like u yourself said in your recent org note, this reconcilation will make sense of a lot of things, and put things back on track again. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good in my life, but when there is a gaping chasm in your life with nothing that comes close 2 filling it what DO u fill it with?

HOPE. Hell, it's all I have. x