i have a boring ass training session in about an hour (for 4 hours) and i need your help.

please make this the most fabulous thread ever (for me). add a poem, a good joke, words of adoration or anything you think i'd like.

i shall print it and take it with me to save myself from the inevitable bleeding from the eyeballs.

if you've ever loved me, love me now (and avoid the rush).

kisses,

s-k

*don't forget to pick up milk

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.




terrible i know but i have a silly sense of humour

sorry

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I
know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at
my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the
entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the
TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've
found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid to come to the cinema and stare at the sodding
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give
me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's
new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f***?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's
longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus
come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to
be'. So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
No it's really revolting I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks
that's an image I really didn't need.

13. Macdonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless
you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It has to
be a McChicken Burger, just a "Chicken Burger" gets blank
looks.....Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes
you McTosser.

ooh look, someone made pecan bars.

fuck you all, except for lollypop (my new best friend).

"Father Thames" - Spike Milligan

Let us look at the River Thames
One of England's watery gems,
Oily, brown, greasy, muddy,
Looking foul and smells of cruddy.
The Conservancy say they're cleaning it.
So why is it the colour of shit?

-----

"Lines on the death of Chairman Mao" - E.J. Thribb

So.
Farewell then
Chairman Mao.

You are the
Last of the
Great revolutionary

Figures. You
And I
Had little in
Common

Except that
Like me
You were a poet.

Though how you
Found time
To write Poems

In addition to
Running a
Country of
800 million people

Is baffling
Frankly.

-----

and froggy, i love you too.

however i cannot directly respond because i'm not reading your posts yet.

starkitty said:

why aren't you reading my posts. i'm not so smelly even my posts stink, you know.

(sniffs himself).

oh no, i am!

Priests and Lawyers
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A while down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. However, remembering that a priests was in the truck with him, he swerved at the last moment to miss the lawyer.

However, the truck driver heard a loud thump outside of the truck, and he looked in his rear-view mirror.

He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

The priest said, "Don't worry son, I got him with my door."

YOU SMELL LIKE BLUE CHEESE.

where's cammille. that tramp always cracks me up.

heres some things to keep you busy, hope this helps, its all i could find


What is the greater distance?


from a-b
b-c
or they are all the same ???

-----




how many squares ?

Puzzle 1. Count how many perfect squares of all possible sizes are hidden in the cross of dots on the left. A square is counting if any four dots are placed exactly in its respective corners.

Puzzle 2. It is more difficult than previous one. You have to remove exactly 6 dots so that any four dots from those remaining would not lie in the corners of a square. So you'll get the "no-squares" position for which there are no four dots that form a perfect square.


-----



How many triangles (counting ones of all possible sizes) can you find in the illustration on the left?

-----



One of the two spirals in the illustration consists of a single piece of rope that has its ends joined. The other spiral consists of two separate pieces of rope, each with joined ends. Can you identify which is which using only your eyes?

-----




One man has a nice portrait in his library. When he was asked whom it represented, he replied:

Uncles and brothers
Have I none,
But that man's father
Is my father's son.

What relation was the subject of the portrait to that man?


-----



Across:
A: a prime number
D: A down / C down
F: a prime number
G: a square number
H: add two to E down and multiply the result with the sum of the digits of D across to get H across.

Down:
A: see D across.
B: the reverse of A across
C: The sum of C down's digits equals the first digit of D across.
E: A palindrome (a number that is equal to its reverse).


-----




ACROSS:
A: square of C down
G: the third power of the sum of A across's digits
H: divisible by the sum of G across's digits
I: divisible by digit sum of C down
J: I across + digit sum of I across
K: a square number
L: the reverse of M down
M: I across multiplied with the digit sum of H across
N: every digit (except for the last one) is smaller than the subsequent digit.

DOWN:
A: the reverse of C down multiplied with E down
B: a palindrome
C: a prime number
D: the reverse of D down equals A across + F down
E: the digit sum of A across
F: the third power of the reverse of E down
K: a prime number
L: yet another prime number
M: the reverse of L across


have fun, try to get through the meeting, and remember, we're here for ya when youre done !!!!
[This message was edited Fri Aug 27 6:26:13 2004 by nakedpianoplayer]

sparrows were feeding in a freezing drizzle
that while you watched turned to pieces of snow
riding a gradient invisible
from silver aslant to random, white and slow
there came a time when you couldn't tell
and they clearly flew instead of fell.

(did i get that wrong)

lolly lolly do you still have that madman poem?

lollyp0p said:

starkitty said:

it seems to have more lines than the original, from what i can remember.

wasn't
it
a
four liner?

write me some haiku then

naked - i can surely ignore the presenter with all that activity.

dame un beso!

starkitty said:

i can't find it


i forgot what i saved it as

"be prepared" they say.
so i already wear a
colostomy bag.

TheFrog said:

come on it's funny

TheFrog said:

pt 2

sex is difficult;
it tends to slosh around, but
at least i'm prepared.

training is boring
claw my eyeballs til bloody
need poems, caffeine.

if one more person
calls me 'j-ho' i'll jump up
and down on their necks.

lollyp0p said:

but i'll take the hug.

lleena is lovely
2the9s wants her babies
he won't admit it


(where's crazyhorse?)

oy.

printing.

omg it's 15 pages

with avvies and all

oh no, this isn't obvious at all. pretty colors & smileys