i don't know you very well Chris but i couldn't help but reply to this topic through my tears. i will pray for you and your family and my heart goes out to you all. as a mother i can't imagine the pain your brother and sister in law must be feeling. i hope you can find peace and that your brother and his wife don't give up...may the Lord bless and keep you.

Chris, I'm so sorry.

that's heartbreaking. much credit to you for being present for your family in this situation, though. as hard as it must be for you, it's a testament to your strength.

Anxiety said:

I was thinking that too...for everything you've had to go through in your life, Chris...you are SO incredibly strong.
I haven't been able to get you out of my mind today...just thinking and sending good thoughts...hope for the best...

Anxiety said:

I agree. This story broke my heart! I have two little nephews, and if I had to live through what you are right now, I don't know how I would cope. I will definitely keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted, okay?

luv4u said:

Something similar happened to a girl I used to work with. She lost the baby when she was 5 months along. She also could not feel a heartbeat, and she told her doctor about it. The doctor told her not to be concerned. Turns out that the baby died, and I think she delivered him vaginally. She came back to work a week after it happened! I don't know how she found the strength to come back to work so soon. She probably came back thinking that if she went back to a normal schedule, she would get her mind off what happened (if that is even possible). I know it must have been difficult for her, and I cannot even fanthom the emotional pain she was feeling. Lord knows, if it happened to me, I would be off work for probably a month! A few months later, I overheard her telling a coworker that she was going to try for another child. I wonder if she was successful in getting pregnant again? I hope so, since she was a nice person.
[This message was edited Thu Jul 22 16:46:40 2004 by psychodelicide]

just back from the big day, still very exhausted. today was day 4 since sh started having contractions, and last night when i got fed up and left they were talking about upping her doseage of the medicine they didn't want her to take, one of the many things the mid-wives argued a ton with the doctors about. she was stuck dialated at 4 for some time, and then when they finally managed to convince the mid-wives, her family and the church that the medication would not hurt her, merely dialate her to the needed point, they gave it to her. she dialated to 8 and stayed there for 8 hours, and they wanted to up the dosage a little, and that had everyone of the groups arguing, while at that point she has had a 3 day corpse within, which was what gave her the infection. right before i snapped and left, i kind of gently chewed out April, who is my sister-in-laws sister in law and a terrible busybody who was trying to run the show, because my brother and i in two days of camping out 20 hours at the hospital had only been in to see Heidi (my sister-in-law) twice, both times less than 5 minutes, and my one time i was in there for 10 when i had to discuss funeral arragements with aaron and heidi, while church members who WERE BEING INTRODUCED TO HEIDI FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THEIR LIVES were getting to spend an hour or more in with her. i was really really angry and very very tired, and i didn't scream at her, but i did make it obvious that we were not happy.

today i went to work. i had to. i couldn't be around these crazy power struggles and dramatics for the third day in a row with little sleep. around 10:40, my mother called me and said that early this morning (thursday morning at the time), the doctors had pretty much told aaaron and heidi that this waiting around and group decisoins and arguements were playing with her health, and the longer levi stays in her, the worse the infection gets, and the more likely she becomes to dying or possibly having to have an emergency hysteractomy (spelling?) because the infection has gotten bad. aaron and heidi, very bravely and very quickly told them that of the three options (upping the dosage of the inducing meds and delivery within 3 hours or c-section) that immediatly upping the dosage, regardless of what the cling-ons in the waiting room think. around 10:36, levi was removed from her womb.

fair warning to those that don't wish to read sad details about levi - please stop reading now

when he was remved with the forcepts, it was immediatly apparent how he had died. the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck so tightly that it had been keeping him from decending, and was so taut that when they pulled him out, the umbilical cord snapped before he could be pulled from her body. just as the mortician had told my mother and i, slipskin was an issue. and there was some light damage to the body.

i told my mother to tell them i was on my way, and left and raced from midland where i live, to it's sister city next door odessa, about a half hours drive. they tok me to a room where rhonda, heidi's mom and aaron's mother-in-law as well as april and cliff, heidi's oldest brother and heidi's sister in law were standing with levi wrapped in three balnkets. rhonda held him so i could see him, and immediatly i started weeping.

without goign into too much gruesome details, he was rather pale on the portions of his top layers of skin that still remained, and a red wine color of skin in the other spots. for those of you that are familiar with the musical the phantom of the opera, the left side of his face was pale, and shaped like the mask the pahntom wears in the show. the other part was the red tint where the top few layers of skin were gone. one of his eyes was taped shut, as i was told his eyelid tore a little during the removal, and one of his ears was a little off it's center as a result of the removal as well. the nurses had done a really great job of making him look presentable to those of us who got to see him, which thankfully was only immediate family. my weeping of course, set of the members of heidi's family in the room, and rhonda laid the baby on te bed in the room, knowing she was about to start crying as well. when she laid him down on the table, she opened the blanket so i could see his body, which was in better shape for the most part. his arms had a few spots where the few top layers had seperated a little, but were still there, almost like blisters that have healed, but not left your body yet.

and loking down at his otherwise healthy body, i was struck by how much he looked exaclty like my brother aaron, his fahter had in aaron's baby pictures. the eyes, although closed on the left side, shone through the little bit of tape and i could see they were blue, just as aaron's and mine and everyone on both heidi's and aaron and i's side of the family are. beautiful blue eyes. aaron's eyes. his nose, although missing the top layer of skin, was decidedly heidis, an adorable littl button noes, narrow at the bridge, and the ridge at the end slighlty turned up. the contours of his face and his hair, both in color and texture, were unmistakabley aaron's. his lips were heidi's perfectly shaped, whith that adorable "cupid's bow" shape, wwhich look like a bow turned on it's string. he was 10 and a half pounds, and they told me that he probably would have been 11 and a half when he was delivered had he been alive. and the boy was 22 inches long!! he would have grown to be SO tall.

they had diapered him, and placed a little blue cap on his head to keep his head warm. if you squinched your eyes a little, which i was doing because of my weeping he, looked almost healthy and asleep.

i wept for about 20 minutes, and at one point had to drop to my knee and grab onto a chair for support, the inner pain of it was so horrid.

and then, i knew i had dealt with it. the tears slowly sputtered out and i was just aniffling. rhonda, the baby's grandmother asked me if i wanted to hold him and i did. she gently laid him into my arms, and it was very comforting in a big way to be able to hold him. i am not someone who deals at all well with death. i have never been able to bring myself to attend funerals. i have always been able to avoid them. i had a friend who i liked but was not teribly close to die in a horrid motorcycle accident, and i went to the veiwing, but just stood next to the door the whole time, talking with his widow. i couldn't make myself cross the room and see his body. as a child, i used to weep everytime i saw a dead animal on the side of the road, so much so that my parents never wanted to take me anywhere, and ould often make me sit in the middle, so i would not be by a window to see the remains.

but i was holding my dead nephew in my arms, and if i squinched my eyes a little, he look healthly and fast asleep.

i ended up being the last person to get to hold him before they took him to the funeral home. heidi's family had made sure to wait so that i could hold him.

we have the sevice monday afternoon, and i am ready for it. thank you so much, all of you, for your prayers and/or good thoughts. they were much appreciated and are helping. for the first time in 4 days, we have had a sense of peace, and as they moved heidi and aaron into a private recovery room, the church friends left, followed by the not so immediate family, and then finally the family until i was the only one left with the two of them, sitting outside their room, going in with the various doctors and nurses, and bringin them anything and everything the needed or asked for. everyone else went home and slept, and then some of her iimediate family came back and we are woking out a time schedule for the next two days. heidi has to stay the next two days for observation , because of the inection. the to of them are taking it remarkably well, but we want to make sure that a family member is always there so that they can be alone together in the room, but someone is always right by, and there to keep them company when they need it.

so, for aaron and heidi and levi, and myself and my family and her family... thank you. please keep praying for the two of them or sending good energy their way, or whatever it is you do, because it is helping.



love you all

This is the most heart renching thing I've read.

there is so much love and emotion in that post, and i am full out crying.

thank you so much for sharing that. i can only imagine how hard it was, but hopefully cathartic too.

bless you, honey.

Cripes I never cried so hard in my life

So sorry for all that you have had to go though. You are still in my prayers. Take time for yourself, so that you can be stong for your family. You are loved.

Very SAD for You and Your Family's loss....All My Prayers are with you...

I never had any contact with you, still reading this just breaks my heart . I want to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you all the strength you need so much right now . Out of respect for your family I won't comment on the behaviour of the members of your sister-in-law's church

Chris, you're the type of family member that anyone would be fortunate to have. My continued prayers are with you and your loved ones.

OdysseyMiles said:

Co sign. Chris you are a credit to your family. May your God bless you all and go with you and especially Levi. Stay well and Peace to you all

I'm glad you got to hold him, Chris. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Oh Chris, I am so sorry. Anything I have to say sounds like hollow comfort. I just can't imagine what you've been through. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. You are so incredibly strong and loving to have just gone through this and not ripped the heads off of some of the folks you've been forced to deal with.

God Bless you and your family

Chris you and your family can take solace in knowing that an Angel was created for Heaven..

God bless you, and your family!

Oh Chris...
For every tear that rolls down my face a prayer and my love are coming your way...You're so so strong...
I've been thinking of you and your family often. Hoping that love will hold you in her gentle arms and help you all heal.

I'm glad you got to hold him too.

you are such a blessing to your brother and his wife as well as the rest of the family. i will continue to pray for all of you.

I am so sorry. I have tears streaming down my cheeks from reading this. My daughter and myself nearly died during her birth and I know the heartache and pain that I felt thinking that she wasn't going to make it. I can't imagine the pain and emotions involved with this. I don't know what to say, other than I'm so very sorry and my thoughts and prayers are with you, your family and Levi's parents.

My prayers to you and your family.

I'm so heartbroken over this story. I love you Chris and I'm glad they had you there to help them through.

SupaFunkyOrgangrinderSexy said:

I am too...and I do too...

Being a father of three and almost losing my third, I have felt the anguish of dealing with the not knowing. I am so sad for you and your family that I am at a loss for words. I thank you for letting us be a source of support for you and I truely hope that writing about this will give you at least a small amount of relief and comfort. My prayers go out to you and your family.

Chris --

I am so sorry for your loss and your grief. Feel free to call me if you'd like.

Chris