Subject: Singin the Blues- Do's and Dont's


1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues. Unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch--ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.Most Blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major Part in the
blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man down in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in: New York City, but not in Hawaii (or any place in
Canada.) Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to
have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the
blues. Breaking your leg cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is all
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen
to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man down in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg
up on the blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the
electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You
can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting
liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie


19. Persons with female names like:
Michelle
Amber
Brooke
Heather and
Dawn

and persons with male names like:
Trevor
Kyle
Tyler
Blake and Shawn

can't sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot down in Memphis.

20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Lame Lemon Johnson or
Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

21. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.


p.s. My Blues Name: Dyslexic Avocado Reagan ( or... maybe not...)

mistermcgee said:

mistermcgee, i LOVE this peice. i sent it to prince & the NPGMC last april. dont know if he ever read it, but if he did, i hope they didnt think i meant they couldnt sing the blues, as we know they CAN, (even though prince meets lots of the criteria thats disquaifies him to do so...lol.)