http://www.coolehmag.com/frontEnd/filler.php?i=37&s=47

10. The American Cream Team

I know they are a group, but seriously, none of them is appreciably better than the other. I can say this because I actually paid for my copy of Immobiliarity back in nineteen-ninety-whatever, AND I listened to their brand-spanking-new album. These guys are so thoroughly mediocre and have been around for so long without ever making one song that anyone would want to listen to twice, that they should be forced to hang it up. It’s one thing if I’m not feeling it or the backpackers aren’t feeling it or the streets aren’t checking for it…but if you got Raekwon co-signing you for ten years and nobody anywhere can name the individual members of your group, that’s an airball. It’s time to swallow your pride, leave the mic alone and start doing the 9-5, raising the kids and all that good stuff. There is more to life than being a weed-carrier and the sooner you get out there and start buying your own weed (even in the fields of construction, fry-management or street pharmacia), the better off you will be.

9. Northern State

I almost didn’t include them because, well, it seems like such an easy target. Three Hebrew women from Long Island aping the Beasties a decade too late, with an overdose of sugary lyrics and liberal politics straight out of community college freshman sociology:

…brand new car shoulda bought the hybrid
Cause you could afford it and I wish that I did
Change your mind, all that you stand for
Put Obama in your life and bring back Al Gore

“Get that garbage outta here” should have been the only thing the engineer said before he cut the mics after that verse. There is no room in hip-hop for three untalented cornball biters when Q-Tip can’t even get his albums released. And don’t give me that throwback shit either, PM Dawn was tossed off stage for much less back in the “good old days”. Pete Rock should have lost his ghetto pass for giving these herbs what was actually a really dope beat. Adrock should too, but I get the feeling he doesn’t really have any use for a hood pass these days.

8. Big Shug

DJ Premier enthusiasts you have been forewarned, the man is a legend but he works with a lot of bums. Shug is definitely not the worst, but he is completely forgettable and, like several other MCs, would be filling out a UPS application if not for Premier. You know something’s wrong when someone claims to have done some “ghostwriting” for Guru. Sorry man, Guru ain’t nice enough with the lyrics for that to be much of a boast. Most importantly, his album was called Who’s Hard? If ever a Cam’Ron-inspired protestation of heterosexuality was needed it was when I saw that album cover with a large negro looking out of the corner of his eyes, asking “Who’s Hard?” Perhaps it was a similar look, paired with a similar phrase, that convinced Primo to give this cat some beats rather than find out exactly who was hard…

7. Mike Jones

There is no explanation really needed here, I mean the guy just repeats one phrase over and over again like Juelz Santana used to, except the phrase is always “Mike Jones”… but if you are skeptical, find a Mike Jones acappella (do they exist?), play it and listen to your heart's discontent.*

*Please note that COOL’EH is not responsible for any side effects, emotional harm or loss of circulation that may result from listening to a Mike Jones acappella. COOL’EH highly recommends that you do so in the presence of a licensed physician, therapist or primary caregiver who is wearing protective equipment.

6. Bizarre

Even if I wanted to leave this guy out of it or perhaps consider the simple fact that he stood out in a group as pointless as D12, a success in and of itself…I just can’t. And the reason is not just his terrible rhymes, flow, voice or shock-rap content that couldn’t even match what Bushwick Bill had done eight years before. It’s also not just his ridiculous outfits (man law-rappers should not wear diapers) or the autistic fetal-alcohol syndrome look on his face. All of that was huge, but what pushed him over the edge in all honesty was his watery eyes. Remember that kid in elementary school whose eyes would always start watering, and when he was frustrated or mad the tears would come rolling out but he would claim he wasn’t crying…that type of shit made you not even want to pick on him, just tell him to take his ball and go home. And don’t try to play next time either.

5. Shawn Wigz

It’s hard to make a worst all-time list when you have barely done anything but hold the weed of Ghostface’s weed holders, but Shawn Wigz is an ambitious cat. He has never allowed things that might inhibit other rappers such as self-respect, pride or lack of talent stand in his way. Let’s just list the ways that Mr. Wigz has persevered in the face of tough obstacles. Firstly, despite being white he thought he could get away with being the worst rapper in an all-black crew. Fairly bold considering the shit that gets put on U-God and he’s just “light-skindeded”. Second, he thought he could bite Ghostface’s whole rhyme style while slathering on extra whiteboy nasal-ness, and nobody would notice even though they are on the same records. Very bold indeed, some might call this the “J.R. Writer” route. Then he thought he could have his own SOLO tracks on Ghostface albums that people paid hard cash to listen to Ghost on, not to hear some marble-mouthed guido cannibalize Tony Starks without saying one memorable line. And that is where boldness becomes self-delusion of Husseinian proportions. Cappadonna needs to wait till no one’s looking and stuff this fucker in the trunk of his taxi.

4. Frank N’ Dank

These guys are more proof to the adage that great producers love shitty rappers. What is not explained by their long running association with one of hip-hop’s greatest producers of the last ten years (RIP JDilla) is why when you are getting some serious heaters from a guy who you must realize is going to go down in history, you don’t try to write something at least average. I mean, yeah, you in the studio getting high, you sippin’ some Henny, you trying to holler at the cute intern, you’re looking for the Chinese menu that was just on the coffee table…but somewhere in there a light should go off. Sometime over the years you should decide, hey, I’ve got everything a rapper needs to go down in history, the least I can do is pull a Guru; knock out some good songs, don’t ruin the beats, maybe even manage to compliment them a few times. But instead we got…

And I've done touch many ladies all shapes and types
But I wanna touch your body get it wet tonight
Cause we adults girl and we can do what we want
This B2K4 we can bump bump bump girl

You see…that sort of assholery is akin to someone giving you a mint-condition, customized Maserati and you decide to put it up on cinderblocks in your cousin’s front yard while the both of yous sit on the hood drinking MGD and chewing Skoal. Unacceptable.

These are the ten worst rappers of all time. What was my criteria, you ask?….Well, you had to write your own lyrics…so Dre, Puffy, Jamie Sommers and Bow Wow are safe. You had to be a straight-up rapper, so Fred Durst, Kid Rock, Snow and Rob Zombie, please use the white people exit. You had to be compared against the artists of your time….Too-$hort, Salt-N-Pepa, Parrish Smith, MC Brains and Me Phi Me, you are free to leave. You had to actually give off some semblance that you were trying to be good, thus excusing Insane Clown Posse, Jurassic 5, Mr. Hyde, Birdman and Magoo. And you had to be consistently garbage, not just fall off due to potent weed and lack of inspiration…I see you N.O.R.E.


10. The American Cream Team

I know they are a group, but seriously, none of them is appreciably better than the other. I can say this because I actually paid for my copy of Immobiliarity back in nineteen-ninety-whatever, AND I listened to their brand-spanking-new album. These guys are so thoroughly mediocre and have been around for so long without ever making one song that anyone would want to listen to twice, that they should be forced to hang it up. It’s one thing if I’m not feeling it or the backpackers aren’t feeling it or the streets aren’t checking for it…but if you got Raekwon co-signing you for ten years and nobody anywhere can name the individual members of your group, that’s an airball. It’s time to swallow your pride, leave the mic alone and start doing the 9-5, raising the kids and all that good stuff. There is more to life than being a weed-carrier and the sooner you get out there and start buying your own weed (even in the fields of construction, fry-management or street pharmacia), the better off you will be.


9. Northern State

Even if I wanted to leave this guy out of it or perhaps consider the simple fact that he stood out in a group as pointless as D12, a success in and of itself…I just can’t. And the reason is not just his terrible rhymes, flow, voice or shock-rap content that couldn’t even match what Bushwick Bill had done eight years before. It’s also not just his ridiculous outfits (man law-rappers should not wear diapers) or the autistic fetal-alcohol syndrome look on his face. All of that was huge, but what pushed him over the edge in all honesty was his watery eyes. Remember that kid in elementary school whose eyes would always start watering, and when he was frustrated or mad the tears would come rolling out but he would claim he wasn’t crying…that type of shit made you not even want to pick on him, just tell him to take his ball and go home. And don’t try to play next time either.


5. Shawn Wigz

It’s hard to make a worst all-time list when you have barely done anything but hold the weed of Ghostface’s weed holders, but Shawn Wigz is an ambitious cat. He has never allowed things that might inhibit other rappers such as self-respect, pride or lack of talent stand in his way. Let’s just list the ways that Mr. Wigz has persevered in the face of tough obstacles. Firstly, despite being white he thought he could get away with being the worst rapper in an all-black crew. Fairly bold considering the shit that gets put on U-God and he’s just “light-skindeded”. Second, he thought he could bite Ghostface’s whole rhyme style while slathering on extra whiteboy nasal-ness, and nobody would notice even though they are on the same records. Very bold indeed, some might call this the “J.R. Writer” route. Then he thought he could have his own SOLO tracks on Ghostface albums that people paid hard cash to listen to Ghost on, not to hear some marble-mouthed guido cannibalize Tony Starks without saying one memorable line. And that is where boldness becomes self-delusion of Husseinian proportions. Cappadonna needs to wait till no one’s looking and stuff this fucker in the trunk of his taxi.


4. Frank N’ Dank

These guys are more proof to the adage that great producers love shitty rappers. What is not explained by their long running association with one of hip-hop’s greatest producers of the last ten years (RIP JDilla) is why when you are getting some serious heaters from a guy who you must realize is going to go down in history, you don’t try to write something at least average. I mean, yeah, you in the studio getting high, you sippin’ some Henny, you trying to holler at the cute intern, you’re looking for the Chinese menu that was just on the coffee table…but somewhere in there a light should go off. Sometime over the years you should decide, hey, I’ve got everything a rapper needs to go down in history, the least I can do is pull a Guru; knock out some good songs, don’t ruin the beats, maybe even manage to compliment them a few times. But instead we got…

And I've done touch many ladies all shapes and types
But I wanna touch your body get it wet tonight
Cause we adults girl and we can do what we want
This B2K4 we can bump bump bump girl

You see…that sort of assholery is akin to someone giving you a mint-condition, customized Maserati and you decide to put it up on cinderblocks in your cousin’s front yard while the both of yous sit on the hood drinking MGD and chewing Skoal. Unacceptable.


3. Benzino

In the history of rap music nobody, absolutely nobody ever ethered themselves as completely as Benzino did. I mean, you have the #1 rap music magazine in the country as your personal fiefdom, you have piles of money to market yourself and your crew, you are alleged to have been involved in a near deadly assault on an NBA star, you eventually have much publicized beefs with Eminem, 50 Cent, Funk Flex and Busta Rhymes amongst others…

*crickets*

And you don’t have any fans. None. You don’t make one record that any person in the world can quote a verse from. Not one. You’ve got no hits on the radio and you get no love at all from the underground. Your eventual disappearance from the rap game is as unnoticed as your entire career despite the hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, of dollars you spent. In fact your most memorable moment was your announcement to Allhiphop.com that you would “come back on a fucking horse”….

*tumbleweeds*

And from that moment on you were never seen nor heard from again. And just to think the collapse of everything was predicated upon your rapping. Your rapping was so bad that it brought down a media empire and made your biggest enemies rich. All you needed was a “Mission Accomplished” banner and a flight suit with a padded groin to make the epic scale of your folly truly cinematic.

2. Silkk tha Shocker

Perhaps unsurprisingly, one of the few true contenders for the top spot in this list is also far-and-away the best selling. Silkk the Shocker is not only an example of nepotism at its worst, but also a case of being so bad that even when surrounded by some of the least talented people in rap history, he stood out like a sore thumb. That is not to say that No Limit didn’t have any good artists; Mia X was actually somewhat nice, Fiend would later develop into a decent artist. C-Murder was not very good but considering that bums like Mr. Serv-On, Skull Duggery, Mercedes and the creatively monikered Big Ed were dropping albums, you could have mistaken him for Nas. And of course, the eldest of the Miller clan, Master P himself, whose blatant Tupac imitations, elementary rhymes and constipated ad-libs were Big Daddy Kane-worthy compared to the stiff delivery and utter lack of charisma of his little brother. No worse rapper has ever sold more records and no rapper has ever looked more out of place doing it. At 6-4, babyfaced and awkward as hell with a flow that brought to mind the freestylings of drunken frat boys bumping BEP instrumentals, Silkk would be a shoe-in for worst rapper ever if not for…


1. Malachi the Nutcracker

It is a tough thing to assert that one person is the worst to ever do something of all time. It is even stranger to make that assertion when the only substantive work they have ever done was as part of a creative effort that has stood the test of time as a seminal work in the genre. It’s a bit like saying the worst actor ever's only role was in Apocalypse Now…but at the same time, that is what allows you to be so sure of how bad it was. As 1/2 of Group Home, whose 1995 album Livin’ Proof was produced almost entirely by the legendary DJ Premier (Guru had a joint on there if I remember correctly), Malachi had to do a lot to make it to the top of the bottom. Firstly, he had to be so inept that his terrible lyrics would stand out on one of the best-produced albums of the early-to-mid ’90s. Secondly, he had to be so bad that he could make you cringe despite having to share the mic with Lil’ Dap (who was actually fairly decent) for half the album. Thirdly, he had to be so awful that even in an era where weak lyrics were often given a pass (we were not that far from when K-Solo was considered a genius for spelling his rhymes) it was still mindboggling how bad this kid was. To this day I wonder what Malachi had on Premier; was he so gangsta that Preem was scared to cut him out? Did he have the DJ’s wife and kids tied up in a proverbial “Brooklyn basement”? Did he record his vocals last and by then it was too late and they had to turn the album in? Was everyone smoking angel dust the whole time? Malachi’s delivery, voice and mic presence were so terrible that mere transcriptions can never really do justice, but here are some examples:

I know that it’s tough comin up in the streets
you will be strong because you cant be beat
you gotta put your mind on achieve mode
go for your goals boom boom explode
everybody's in the way but they can’t hold you back
that’s how it is and we do it like that
yeah so whatchu got
no time for fakin moves, time is wastin on the clock
you know how I rock, I rock non stop
hop on stage, you jump on my jock


Walk through the valley of death with no fear
and huntin’ suckas like a runaway deer

keep it moving cuz you know jack do it right
rippin mic after mic/then I call it goodnight

you funny, like that fucking dummy Bugs Bunny

I wish I was making these up, or even that these are the worst verses on the album, but pretty much every time Malachi touches the microphone this is the result. Pure, unadulterated wackness, never before matched even by the most special kid at the special-est lunch table. If you grabbed the average Negroid off the street and told him to kick something off the head it would be better than this. In fact, if you grabbed the average soccer mom out of her minivan, threw on a beat at random and handed her a Fisher-Price mic, she might roast Malachi. If he got in a time machine and kicked these rhymes during the first rap cipher, negroes would have chased him out of the park on some Warriors shit. Even if he went back to the dawn of speech, developing man would have rejected his bars and driven him from their caves. If he had kicked these lyrics in the void that existed before this universe, his wackness might have forestalled the Big Bang. Or for you intelligent designers out there, if God had heard this bullshit anytime during the first seven days he would have cut son’s mic quick-fast-in-a-hurry.

1. Vanilla Ice

2. Bizarre

3.any mainstream rapper of the 2008-2010 era...

Young Joc isn't only the worst rapper of all time he's also the worst one hit wonder.

Mike Jones does not belong on that list. Bunch of haters.

Meanwhile:

1. Lil Jon ( I swear I don't know what he's sayin' or why people like him)

2. Any of the members of 2LiveCrew (no explanation needed)

3. Mac 10 (just because he errs on the one-hit wonder side)

4. P. Diddy ( sorry but he can't rap for shit)

5. Bubba Sparxx (where the hell he come from anyway?)

6. Souljaboy (no explanation needed)

This list is automatically invalid since it does not have Soulja Boy and/or Diddy on it.

Mase

Carmen Electra

Aaron Carter

Jay-Z

DesireeNevermind said:

Mike Jones does not belong on that list. Bunch of haters.

Meanwhile:

1. Lil Jon ( I swear I don't know what he's sayin' or why people like him)

2. Any of the members of 2LiveCrew (no explanation needed)

3. Mac 10 (just because he errs on the one-hit wonder side)

4. P. Diddy ( sorry but he can't rap for shit)

5. Bubba Sparxx (where the hell he come from anyway?)

6. Souljaboy (no explanation needed)

I agree with this

Mike Jones was pretty good-I think Young Jeezy should be on here too

Keyumdi said:

Aaron Carter

I'd rather listen to him than most popular rappers.

Tony M.

50 cent

DesireeNevermind said:

Mike Jones does not belong on that list. Bunch of haters.

Meanwhile:

1. Lil Jon ( I swear I don't know what he's sayin' or why people like him)

2. Any of the members of 2LiveCrew (no explanation needed)

3. Mac 10 (just because he errs on the one-hit wonder side)

4. P. Diddy ( sorry but he can't rap for shit)

5. Bubba Sparxx (where the hell he come from anyway?)

6. Souljaboy (no explanation needed)

One of my cousins was talking about watching this lol

Anybody that came out in the 1990s and 2000s.

Hudson said:

Keyumdi said:

Aaron Carter

I'd rather listen to him than most popular rappers.

Cuz that's how he beat Shaq?

Wait, didn't Shaq have an album?

Add Shaq and Speech to my list.

[Edited 6/24/10 18:39pm]

JoeTyler said:

1. Vanilla Ice

2. Bizarre

3.any mainstream rapper of the 2008-2010 era...

Vanilla Ice is not the worst rapper ever.

Listen to southern hiphop and you will know what I mean.

Waka Flocka?

Soulja Soulja?

Gucci?

Keyumdi said:

Hudson said:

I'd rather listen to him than most popular rappers.

Cuz that's how he beat Shaq?

I didn't hate that song.

Layzie said:

This list is automatically invalid since it does not have Soulja Boy and/or Diddy on it.

ANY rapper with "lil" in front of there OTHER wack ass name. Oh and Too Big MC and TC Willis and those scrubs with Prince.

The only names on that list that I recognize are Mike Jones and Silkk The Shocker. Mike Jones had that warped slow motion "movement" for those bubble heads down in Texas or wherever he's from. Couldn't tell you what the heck Silkk the Shocker released. I likely don't recoginize the names of those 10 cats because they are just so ....Wick Wick Wack!

Actually I was a big time hip hop head. I had to hand in my hip hop registration card sometime in the early 2000's because the hip hop elite tribal council met and said real hip hop was in a coma and that we should just let nature take it's course. It's all a waste now. The few decent scragglers out there will never have enough momentum to ressurect the artform. Too bad... so sad.

Yanno what also happened. Our (black) music became so emeshed in Hip Hop that when it started to go down for the count....our music began to suffer. Now everyone is looking all wide-eyed like they don't know what to do as far as creativiity is concerned anymore.

DesireeNevermind said:

Mike Jones does not belong on that list. Bunch of haters.

Meanwhile:

1. Lil Jon ( I swear I don't know what he's sayin' or why people like him)

2. Any of the members of 2LiveCrew (no explanation needed)

3. Mac 10 (just because he errs on the one-hit wonder side)

4. P. Diddy ( sorry but he can't rap for shit)

5. Bubba Sparxx (where the hell he come from anyway?)

6. Souljaboy (no explanation needed)

I would definitely put P Diddy and Nelly on that list.

Til this day i don't see how in the hell Nelly got a record deal

as a rapper.

Kid 'n Play

Mike Jones and Silkk are not that bad, their are much worse, much worse. Check out Mike Jones before he blew up in 2005. Look for his underground 2002 classic "Ballin' Underground." Silkk when he was located in the Bay was pretty good, take a listen.

I've always hated Run DMC. Rick Rubin's production is always top notch but unlike the Beastie Boys, or LL Cool J they added neither wit nor charm to his work. To me it always felt like it was Rick Rubin's rap charity work for the special olympics.

I know the lil kids liked it and it sold a lot of records and thats all that matters i guess, but man, to me it was like a musical labotomy.

[Edited 6/24/10 21:47pm]

1. Icy Blue (What the hell was that)

2. Rico Suave Geraldo or whatever his name was

3. Snow and Spunilla Ice

4. Gucci Mane

5. Lil JON (Just to get out of the early 90s)

6. Lil wayne

7. Kesha

8. Fergie

9. One or two hit pop rappers like Young Joc, Young Jeezy, Chamiliionaire, Shaniqua Johnson, T pain, Chingy, Flo Rida etc

10. Hammer/MCHammer

I havent heard any of 10 the first guy said except for Bizarre from D12. Northern state sound funny though, rapping yentas, now I have heard them all, look at the beak on the one on the right. Oy!

[Edited 6/25/10 2:05am]

violetblues said:

I've always hated Run DMC. Rick Rubin's production is always top notch but unlike the Beastie Boys, or LL Cool J they added neither wit nor charm to his work. To me it always felt like it was Rick Rubin's rap charity work for the special olympics.

I know the lil kids liked it and it sold a lot of records and thats all that matters i guess, but man, to me it was like a musical labotomy.

[Edited 6/24/10 21:47pm]

[img:$uid]http://www.ottawahondaclub.com/forum/Smileys/ohc/facepalm.gif[/img:$uid]

violetblues said:

I've always hated Run DMC. Rick Rubin's production is always top notch but unlike the Beastie Boys, or LL Cool J they added neither wit nor charm to his work. To me it always felt like it was Rick Rubin's rap charity work for the special olympics.

I know the lil kids liked it and it sold a lot of records and thats all that matters i guess, but man, to me it was like a musical labotomy.

[Edited 6/24/10 21:47pm]

BLASPHEMY

punishment: GULAG

minneapolisFunq said:

JoeTyler said:

1. Vanilla Ice

2. Bizarre

3.any mainstream rapper of the 2008-2010 era...

Vanilla Ice is not the worst rapper ever.

Listen to southern hiphop and you will know what I mean.

Waka Flocka?

Soulja Soulja?

Gucci?

Not all Southern Hip Hop is bad. I guess you never heard of Goodie Mob, OutKast, Geto Boyz, Juvenile, or YoungBloodz. These dudes came out during the 90s. And Ludacris isn't so bad either.

Slikk the Shocker is almost as bad as his brother Master P. That dude only had one song worth listening to, "It Ain't My Fault".

And don't even get me started on Mike Jones, who's recent album was a flop and no one even gave a damn about his "comeback".

Vanilla Ice is definitely up there with one of the worst rappers ever.

phunkdaddy said:

DesireeNevermind said:

Mike Jones does not belong on that list. Bunch of haters.

Meanwhile:

1. Lil Jon ( I swear I don't know what he's sayin' or why people like him)

2. Any of the members of 2LiveCrew (no explanation needed)

3. Mac 10 (just because he errs on the one-hit wonder side)

4. P. Diddy ( sorry but he can't rap for shit)

5. Bubba Sparxx (where the hell he come from anyway?)

6. Souljaboy (no explanation needed)

I would definitely put P Diddy and Nelly on that list.

Til this day i don't see how in the hell Nelly got a record deal

as a rapper.

Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz suck.

2LiveCrew is terrible but I did like "Hoochie Mama".

Diddy is good for producing others and then screwing your ass over. Diddy was and still isn't a rapper, no matter what he fucking says.

violetblues said:

I've always hated Run DMC. Rick Rubin's production is always top notch but unlike the Beastie Boys, or LL Cool J they added neither wit nor charm to his work. To me it always felt like it was Rick Rubin's rap charity work for the special olympics.

I know the lil kids liked it and it sold a lot of records and thats all that matters i guess, but man, to me it was like a musical labotomy.

[Edited 6/24/10 21:47pm]

Instead of always naming the typical Lil Wayne/Soulja Boi sux and ruined hip hop argument, what about those jackasses like D4L and The Franchise Boys? I never here people talk about their no talented asses anymore and that surprises me, considering how they're the ones that spawned out people like Soulja Boi.

As bad as Lil' Jon, Ma$e, TC Ellis and Tony M are as rappers, I think hardly anyone can "top" Denny Blaze