alphastreet said:

Claire73 said:

Its not getting any easier and a year later it still feels so awful

I feel I am very, very slowly healing but that I will never, ever get over this, I still cry everyday for him if not almost everyday. I love him so much to the point where it scares me and I wish I didn't cause loving hurts too much. I was too emotionally attached to him for too long, I feel like a part of me died and it's taking forever to reclaim my soul. I still can't watch his videos or look at him for too long though listening to him is getting easier. I can't touch songs like heal the world though.

I would be very concerned about this if I were you. I'm not trying to be insulting or pass judgement but I'm just speaking genuinely. If you are emotionally breaking down on a daily basis because an artist that you didn't know passed away a year ago, I would start seriously looking at my life and seeing if I was using MJ as some sort of a "catharsis" for other areas that needed to be addressed. When you have these little sad breakdowns on a daily basis, are you withdrawing from family, kids, friends? Even if you aren't withdrawing, I just think that is too much. Way too much for someone that you do not even know. I can understand it happening intermittently when you hear your favorite tune , but nearly everyday for a year...for an artist that you don't know?

These two pictures just made me kinda sad...

I remember the moment I heard Michael passed away the 25th of June 2009. I was already in awe by the death of Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon, but to hear that he was gone just put my whole body, mind and soul on halt and in shock for awhile. A month or two before his death, I saw this picture (as shown above) on the Essence Magazine website, which showed an ailing Michael being propelled outside and for the first time ever in my life, I was shocked for him more than any allegation or rumor that was put on him. I couldn't believe that the pain and devastation that Michael was going through was really deteriorating him. It gave me both a disturbing and unbelievable impression about this man that I most admired for many years. I couldn't believe what I encountered because this wasn't the man I remembered. Something just wasn't right about it and I hoped and prayed that better days would come before him. The most ironic thing I remember about June 25th, 2009 is that before I received the call from my mother saying that he was hospitalized and in critical condition, I was watching VH1's special on African-American culture entitled "Black To The Future," and there was this segment on the Jackson Five. I was so enthused by what many celebrities and historians had to say about not only the group's compelling styles, music and influence, but I was amazed on what they said about Michael. Being a true MJ fan and knowing the legacy this man has made, I was just in awe because there wasn't one thing that was brought up about the scandals, his personal life, dehumanizing rumors and controversy. It was all about the cherished memories people had about him. About ten minutes later, I received this bewildering call from my mother and she told me that something happened to this man I have admired for many years now. Through all of the pain and agony people put him through since he stepped into the limelight, I was with him, I felt his energy and most of all, I believed him. I remember that devastating evening on June 25th before it was announced that he passed away, I immediately turned on CBS news and I saw the hundreds and thousands come together outside the hospital where he was admitted and I knew that this moment was real. I didn't want to believe what I was seeing nor did I want to believe that in a matter of minutes he passed away. My body was in shock and I remember my hands just shaking the rest of the day. My mother called me back to ask me what was going on with Michael and I told her in these exact words: "Well, our King is gone!" She cried out boisterously and I was even more heartbroken. I couldn't watch a music video, listen to any music (by him or any other artist) or even look at a picture of the man on that particular day. My phones rang continuously throughout my home and I couldn't answer. I was in shock.

His death didn't really hit me until night after the devastation when I was looking at a music video marathon that VH1 Classic put together for him and two videos in particular ("Liberian Girl" and "Gone Too Soon") came on. I quietly sobbed and was in disbelief that he was really gone. I prayed and motivated myself to be strong and to keep his legacy alive by knowing that MJ was more than a superstar, musician and entertainer, but this was a man who gave his whole life to bring people a little closer together. He was a family man, a humanitarian and healer who gave people hope and could wow anyone around. It is true that he lived an eccentric lifestyle to many, but if we look at ourselves a little deeper we must accept who we are and then accept the man behind the eccentricities, celebrity and scandals. The saddest part about his death that many will never seem to understand is that this man left this world broken and troubled. That is the part that will never quite settle with me because he endured so much and to have him killed was just a major upset. I am surprised even more during the aftermath of his death that many that made his life a living hell while he was on this earth are now trying to cover up their own troubled ways by explaining his talent and enduring legacy, cash-in on his legacy or even continuously talk about this man in a negative matter. It is a sad thing to witness and describe, but there are two things that I personally will treasure about him: his musical legacy and his universal, unlimited love. This is why I loved him so...no one can ever take away those two things from him or even heckle with them either.

[Edited 7/3/10 1:01am]

Reel said:

alphastreet said:

I feel I am very, very slowly healing but that I will never, ever get over this, I still cry everyday for him if not almost everyday. I love him so much to the point where it scares me and I wish I didn't cause loving hurts too much. I was too emotionally attached to him for too long, I feel like a part of me died and it's taking forever to reclaim my soul. I still can't watch his videos or look at him for too long though listening to him is getting easier. I can't touch songs like heal the world though.

I would be very concerned about this if I were you. I'm not trying to be insulting or pass judgement but I'm just speaking genuinely. If you are emotionally breaking down on a daily basis because an artist that you didn't know passed away a year ago, I would start seriously looking at my life and seeing if I was using MJ as some sort of a "catharsis" for other areas that needed to be addressed. When you have these little sad breakdowns on a daily basis, are you withdrawing from family, kids, friends? Even if you aren't withdrawing, I just think that is too much. Way too much for someone that you do not even know. I can understand it happening intermittently when you hear your favorite tune , but nearly everyday for a year...for an artist that you don't know?

LOL!! The last thing I've done is withdraw, especially in the summer months, I try to stay busy and spend time with real life people but the pain will always be there. And yes I have been hard on myself for being this way and mad at myself cause I know we didn't meet though I related to him. I was dealing with a difficult situation and depression before he died and just as I was about to get help it happened, and all these other things got triggered which is why I'm struggling. I don't think grief should have a time stamp either, it's going to take as long as it's going to take and I tried so hard to rush it but it wasn't working so I have to work through it and even if it means getting extra help, I will. Maybe you feel you are telling me to be realistic, but there would be more sympathy if I were talking about an addiction to something like alcohol or drugs instead of fascination with a person that I grew up with and admired so much and wanted to be just like at talent shows or made music feeling inspired, or wanting to tell him so badly I love him too or experiencing his shows which I almost did. And yes of course I blamed myself for getting too attached, but it all points to one direction, I fell really hard, really deeply into this and admitting that is the first step to healing, not running from it anymore like a coward. I have guts addressing each and every feeling I have no matter who it offends or even if it makes me look sad. I have inner strength and will get it back, I'm just broken and have to continue doing some soul searching. The first thing I told myself when this broke was that this is really bad, really bad, but I will be strong, but I couldn't do it, it's taking long but I will accomplish it, I know it.

And one of the reasons I'm still crying is because it wasn't coming out completely, I'm mostly numb and it's all delayed and coming in spurts. Sometimes it's scary waking up feeling vulnerable with that being the first thing on my mind and me wanting to scream cause I couldn't do it last year from shock.

[Edited 7/3/10 1:06am]

[Edited 7/3/10 1:12am]

silverchild said:

These two pictures just made me kinda sad...

I remember the moment I heard Michael passed away the 25th of June 2009. I was already in awe by the death of Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon, but to hear that he was gone just put my whole body, mind and soul on halt and in shock for awhile. A month or two before his death, I saw this picture (as shown above) on the Essence Magazine website, which showed an ailing Michael being propelled outside and for the first time ever in my life, I was shocked for him more than any allegation or rumor that was put on him. I couldn't believe that the pain and devastation that Michael was going through was really deteriorating him. It gave me both a disturbing and unbelievable impression about this man that I most admired for many years. I couldn't believe what I encountered because this wasn't the man I remembered. Something just wasn't right about it and I hoped and prayed that better days would come before him. The most ironic thing I remember about June 25th, 2009 is that before I received the call from my mother saying that he was hospitalized and in critical condition, I was watching VH1's special on African-American culture entitled "Black To The Future," and there was this segment on the Jackson Five. I was so enthused by what many celebrities and historians had to say about not only the group's compelling styles, music and influence, but I was amazed on what they said about Michael. Being a true MJ fan and knowing the legacy this man has made, I was just in awe because there wasn't one thing that was brought up about the scandals, his personal life, dehumanizing rumors and controversy. It was all about the cherished memories people had about him. About ten minutes later, I received this bewildering call from my mother and she told me that something happened to this man I have admired for many years now. Through all of the pain and agony people put him through since he stepped into the limelight, I was with him, I felt his energy and most of all, I believed him. I remember that devastating evening on June 25th before it was announced that he passed away, I immediately turned on CBS news and I saw the hundreds and thousands come together outside the hospital where he was admitted and I knew that this moment was real. I didn't want to believe what I was seeing nor did I want to believe that in a matter of minutes he passed away. My body was in shock and I remember my hands just shaking the rest of the day. My mother called me back to ask me what was going on with Michael and I told her in these exact words: "Well, our King is gone!" She cried out boisterously and I was even more heartbroken. I couldn't watch a music video, listen to any music (by him or any other artist) or even look at a picture of the man on that particular day. My phones rang continuously throughout my home and I couldn't answer. I was in shock.

His death didn't really hit me until night after the devastation when I was looking at a music video marathon that VH1 Classic put together for him and two videos in particular ("Liberian Girl" and "Gone Too Soon") came on. I quietly sobbed and was in disbelief that he was really gone. I prayed and motivated myself to be strong and to keep his legacy alive by knowing that MJ was more than a superstar, musician and entertainer, but this was a man who gave his whole life to bring people a little closer together. He was a family man, a humanitarian and healer who gave people hope and could wow anyone around. It is true that he lived an eccentric lifestyle to many, but if we look at ourselves a little deeper we must accept who we are and then accept the man behind the eccentricities, celebrity and scandals. The saddest part about his death that many will never seem to understand is that this man left this world broken and troubled. That is the part that will never quite settle with me because he endured so much and to have him killed was just a major upset. I am surprised even more during the aftermath of his death that many that made his life a living hell while he was on this earth are now trying to cover up their own troubled ways by explaining his talent and enduring legacy, cash-in on his legacy or even continuously talk about this man in a negative matter. It is a sad thing to witness and describe, but there are two things that I personally will treasure about him: his musical legacy and his universal, unlimited love. This is why I loved him so...no one can ever take away those two things from him or even heckle with them either.

[Edited 7/3/10 1:01am]

This right here made me cry again

alphastreet said:

Reel said:

I would be very concerned about this if I were you. I'm not trying to be insulting or pass judgement but I'm just speaking genuinely. If you are emotionally breaking down on a daily basis because an artist that you didn't know passed away a year ago, I would start seriously looking at my life and seeing if I was using MJ as some sort of a "catharsis" for other areas that needed to be addressed. When you have these little sad breakdowns on a daily basis, are you withdrawing from family, kids, friends? Even if you aren't withdrawing, I just think that is too much. Way too much for someone that you do not even know. I can understand it happening intermittently when you hear your favorite tune , but nearly everyday for a year...for an artist that you don't know?

LOL!! The last thing I've done is withdraw, especially in the summer months, I try to stay busy and spend time with real life people but the pain will always be there. And yes I have been hard on myself for being this way and mad at myself cause I know we didn't meet though I related to him. I was dealing with a difficult situation and depression before he died and just as I was about to get help it happened, and all these other things got triggered which is why I'm struggling. I don't think grief should have a time stamp either, it's going to take as long as it's going to take and I tried so hard to rush it but it wasn't working so I have to work through it and even if it means getting extra help, I will. Maybe you feel you are telling me to be realistic, but there would be more sympathy if I were talking about an addiction to something like alcohol or drugs instead of fascination with a person that I grew up with and admired so much and wanted to be just like at talent shows or made music feeling inspired, or wanting to tell him so badly I love him too or experiencing his shows which I almost did. And yes of course I blamed myself for getting too attached, but it all points to one direction, I fell really hard, really deeply into this and admitting that is the first step to healing, not running from it anymore like a coward. I have guts addressing each and every feeling I have no matter who it offends or even if it makes me look sad. I have inner strength and will get it back, I'm just broken and have to continue doing some soul searching. The first thing I told myself when this broke was that this is really bad, really bad, but I will be strong, but I couldn't do it, it's taking long but I will accomplish it, I know it.

And one of the reasons I'm still crying is because it wasn't coming out completely, I'm mostly numb and it's all delayed and coming in spurts. Sometimes it's scary waking up feeling vulnerable with that being the first thing on my mind and me wanting to scream cause I couldn't do it last year from shock.

[Edited 7/3/10 1:06am]

[Edited 7/3/10 1:12am]

Well first let me start by saying that I sincerely hope that you feel better in terms of your depression. Depression is a very tough thing to deal with, and pretty much everyone deals with it whether they admit it or not at some point in their lives. I think that it is Great that you have insight into the fact that perhaps you got overly attached to a figure that you know absolutely nothing about, other than the interviews, concerts and music. What people must realize is that Michael was a WHOLE human being. He was much more than the interviews, concerts, and music. All of us are more than our jobs. So when I hear people really breaking down like a parent or relative died, I always get alarmed, because generally it always has to do with more than the artist. You said yourself that his death triggered other things. Which is why I used the word "catharsis" in my earlier post.

Yes, grieving takes time. Try and focus on the more healthy ways to grieve. Try not to be enabled by people through unhealthy grieving, also try not to wallow in grief for MJ (I just dont think that's healthy). At some point you have to make the decision in regards to MJ to dust yourself off and handle the issues that are now intwined with MJ. Also (and this may be extremely difficult for you to do) try not to entangle your real life issues....with people or things that have no relation to those issues. Because the danger in that is that you and your issues will always be tied to a third party and this will give you justification for continuing to postpone dealing with those issues, or allowing yourself to be "triggered" over and over again by things that really don't have to affect you.

To be honest, MJ had a very troubled life. I trust that he is in a better place now. Remember him humbly as the great artist that he was, and keep things in perspective. Heck, I don't even know that his own family members (no matter how dysfunctional they are) are crying on a daily basis for his loss. People generally do that for the loss of a kid, parent, spouse. So hopefully that will help to keep things in perspective for you.

Sounds to me like you are ready to get some help. I think that's a GREAT start. I appreciate you sharing, and not snapping at me and chopping my head off, but I just had to speak out about what I saw happening in your posts on this board

Life is a cycle. When you're born, you're never sure of how it's going to end, and it can end where you least expected. That's all I'm gonna say on the matter of coping with death. That being said, a death like Michael's was avoidable but you know, shit happens. Like I said before, he went out as a trooper doing what he loved best. That's the memory I have of Michael. Not of the drug-depraved "has-been" that was on the comeback trail, but a man who was born an entertainer and died one.

Timmy84 said:

Life is a cycle. When you're born, you're never sure of how it's going to end, and it can end where you least expected. That's all I'm gonna say on the matter of coping with death. That being said, a death like Michael's was avoidable but you know, shit happens. Like I said before, he went out as a trooper doing what he loved best. That's the memory I have of Michael. Not of the drug-depraved "has-been" that was on the comeback trail, but a man who was born an entertainer and died one.

Great Post

Just finished up 2 sessions of listening to J5 "Live at the Forum" nothing like good live music to put things into perspective. If not vocally, the J5 brothers sound good musically! I wish they'd get more props, not their fault they couldn't do it musically in the studio. Little Michael, well he's perfect, even when his vocals aren't perfect. I think this set trumps the "Hello World" collection because of its raw appeal. And because it's 1970, I like to think that the group was exhilirated with their success, perhaps it was a very happy time for them. While listening to this all I could do was smile.

Timmy84 said:

Life is a cycle. When you're born, you're never sure of how it's going to end, and it can end where you least expected. That's all I'm gonna say on the matter of coping with death. That being said, a death like Michael's was avoidable but you know, shit happens. Like I said before, he went out as a trooper doing what he loved best. That's the memory I have of Michael. Not of the drug-depraved "has-been" that was on the comeback trail, but a man who was born an entertainer and died one.

Well said!