Last week, R&B singer Chris Brown was formally charged with two felonies, assault and making criminal threats, in connection with the beating of his pop-star girlfriend Rihanna on Feb. 8. Though we will never know exactly what happened that night, many of us have seen Rihanna's bruised and bloodied face on the front pages and read horrific details of the alleged attack from the affidavit of a LAPD detective in which he describes contusions on the singer's body. At same time, rumors are that the 21-year-old singer is back in a relationship with Brown, whom she has accused, according to the affidavit, of biting, choking and punching her until her mouth filled with blood.

While we can argue about how much of all that is true, it really doesn't matter. This sad story doesn't have to be verifiable for it to potentially warp how Rihanna's hundreds of thousands of tween fans think about intimate relationships. We've all heard that this should be a "teachable moment" a chance to talk about domestic violence with our kids. But children and teens aren't just listening to your lectures, they're listening to the way you speculate about the case with other adults; they're absorbing how the media describes it; they're reading gossip Web sites. When you tune into to all the talk about Rihanna and Chris Brown, it's scary how the same persistent domestic-violence myths continue to be perpetuated. Celebrity scandals may have a short shelf life, but what we teach kids about domestic violence will last forever. So rather than "raise awareness," here are five myths that anyone with a child should take time to debunk:

Myth No. 1: It was a domestic argument, and she provoked him
We need to remember that any discussion of domestic violence should not revolve around what the couple may have been arguing about, or as one CNN anchor put it: "the incident that sparked the fight." Nor should we be using the word "provoked" when describing this case, as in the Associated Press account that said the "argument" was "provoked" by Rihanna's "discovery of a text message from another woman." Domestic violence has to do with, well, physical violence, not arguments. There isn't a verbal argument that should "spark" or "provoke" an attack of the kind that leaves one person with wounds that require medical attention.

Cable news has to stop referring to this incident as a "violent fight." A "fight" involves two people hitting each other, not as is alleged in this case a woman cowering in a car while a man punches and bites her. If Rihanna had called the police beaten and bloodied and alleging an attack of this nature by a stranger, no one would be calling it a "fight." They'd say that a man was being accused of severely beating and choking a young woman half his size.

Myth No. 2: Evolution makes us do it
Steven Stosny, a counselor and founder of an organization that treats anger-management issues believes that the tragic tendency of women to return to the men who hurt them (battered-woman syndrome) is a product of evolution. Stosny was quoted on CNN.com as saying "To leave an attachment relationship a relationship where there's an emotional bond meant certain death by starvation or saber-tooth tiger."

Apologies to Mr. Stosny, but that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. This is the kind of argument that really boils my blood because it seems to naturalize the torture of women. Very little is known about the emotional attachments of early humans. And trust me, after 50,000 years, our fear of saber-tooth tigers has abated. In most domestic-abuse cases, we're talking about a situation where one person is wielding power over an individual through pain, fear and domination. It's not about being scared to leave because of the dangers that await you in the world, it's about being too scared of what's at home to leave.

Myth No. 3: People make mistakes. Give the guy a break
When singer Kanye West talked about the Rihanna-Brown case with his VH1 audience recently, he asked: "Can't we give Chris a break? ... I know I make mistakes in life." Kanye's not the only one saying this kind of thing, so let's get something straight: People leave the oven on or fry turkeys in the garage and burn their house down. One may even accidentally step on the gas instead of the brake and run over the family cat. Mistakes resulting in tragic consequences happen all the time. But one cannot mistakenly beat someone up. You do not accidentally give someone black eyes, a broken nose and a split lip.

Myth No. 4: Brown said he was sorry and they're working it out
Experts will tell you that domestic violence is an escalating series of attacks (not fights) designed to increase a victim's dependence on her abuser. According to the police documents released last week, Rihanna told police that Brown had hit her before and it was getting worse. Sorry means you don't do it again. In discussions about abuse, we need to make it clear that sorry is not enough.

Myth No. 5: She's young, rich and beautiful. If it was really as bad as the media says, she'd leave
The secret to the abuser's power is not only making his victim dependent on him, but convincing her that she is to blame for the attack. No amount of money or fame can protect someone from the terrible cycle of emotional dependence, shame and fear that keeps them with abusive partners. Women who are abused look for ways they may have "provoked" an attack, finding fault with their own behavior to explain the unexplainable : why would someone they love hurt them? And it doesn't help when people outside the relationship blame the victim. In this case, Phylicia Thompson, a cousin of Brown's, told "Extra TV" that, "Chris was not brought up to beat on a woman. So it had to be something to provoke him for Chris to do it." As the rumors swirl about whether Rihanna is back with Brown, understand that those who are abused do not stay with their abusers because they want to be beaten again, or because they are really at fault; it's usually because they feel trapped and guilty.

You may have noticed that the words power, control and domination running through my rant. That was purposeful. What we need to remember, and what we need to teach our children, is that yes, you should never hit anybody and you should never let anybody hit you. But, we also need to tell them that love does not guarantee respect and that any relationship they find themselves involved in should be based on both equally.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/188353
[Edited 3/12/09 2:48am]

aren't there already at least half a dozen other threads devoted to this?

This is still about their domestic violence issues, it should be on the Sticky.

1. The sticky is too big.

2. It's more about the public than the couple.

^Agreed. The focus of this thread is not about them at all, it is grand posturing about how "right"the OP thinks that they are.

kenlacam said:

...?

I have been following this a little bit. I think maybe she should not have gone back to him until after he got some counseling, if at all. And even then, it should have been a very slow process. But I guess, she loves him--or thinks she does.

If a man ever hit me, I would be too afraid to go back. I do not understand why she isn't afraid?
[Edited 3/12/09 5:47am]

If he just jumped on her after she found a text then shame on him. and he should get all her deserves at the appropriate time. But let's keep in mind he hasn't been convicted of anything as of yet.

There is more to this story. I don't believe Rihanna is totally innocent in all this. I have experienced a similair incident myself I which I was attacked by my wife who came across a letter I had in my back pack (I could have sworn I got rid of that letter) I was hit and scratched though it was a small scratch it bled like a paper cut. so I called 911 to scare her plus I was guilty. Once the cops arrived they just looked at me and her and she's crying and all and said "She misses you" ( i had been out the us for 1 year) "Can't you guys handle this like to reasonable results"? These cops were looking at me with this slight smerk on there faces I looked back at them letting these bastards know that I knew if the roles had been reversed they wouldn't be saying work it out like adults, they'd be taking me in.

I said all that to say that it is probably more likely Rihanna after discovering what she did lashed out at him first physically. and he responded .
If she attcked him first she got what she deserved. Assault is Assualt no matter the gender.

daingermouz2020 said:

But even if Rihanna did attack him, two wrongs don't make a right. I think he should walked away. Somebody has to walk away, you know? If she hit him, then he should have not hit her back. He had the option to leave. You know what? They both need counseling, actually. If she attacked him then she needs counseling, too. They both need to learn to handle their emotions without resorting to violence,if is true she hit him.

You called the police on your wife? I think that was better than hitting her even though police tried to make you feel stupid or "less than a man," or something. I am not sure about cheating on your wife if that's what you did, but is your business and not the topic of this thread. But as far as not hitting her, and calling the police to calm her down, to make her realize what she was doing was wrong. Well, you did the right thing, and the police should not have been so smug about it. They were wrong, not you.

You called the police on your wife? I think that was better than hitting her even though police tried to make you feel stupid or "less than a man," or something. I am not sure about cheating on your wife if that's what you did, but is your business and not the topic of this thread. But as far as not hitting her, and calling the police to calm her down, to make her realize what she was doing was wrong. Well, you did the right thing, and the police should not have been so smug about it. They were wrong, not you.[/quote]


I did what I had to do at that time. I was guilty of putting myself in a situation while outside of the U.S. I really did not want to press charges on her. But I wanted to make a point to myself and to her about our system. I felt from the moment they arrived and heard what had taken place they did not want to do anything to her because she was a female. Had persisted I am sure they would have taken her.

I hope Chris n Rihanna work it out I am not a fan of theres but I am a fan for relationships working out.

daingermouz2020 said:

I respect what you did. You did the right thing. She should not have hit you. And you did the right thing to make a point with her, and also to not have hit her back. The police where stupid to respond to you in this way. Idiots.
[Edited 3/12/09 7:10am]

purplesweat said:

Many cops do not like to get involved in domestic violence dispute because they find that once they get back together, they turn on them, especially in court. What they'll do is take the report, advise them to get an order of protection, and they're on their own. They'll come back into the stationhouse and say things like "I knew it. They're at it again". It's only to the point of serious injury and death do they take domestic violence cases seriously. I've worked for the system before and I have seen how they operate.

angel345 said:

Is there a way to give a ticket, so the one doing the hitting--maybe both could go to counseling before it gets to the point of someone's life being in danger?

There is also emotional abuse and neglect. There is all kinds of abuse. Maybe within a counseling sessions, one could uncover the reasons this stuff happens within the relationship? Maybe one is being sort of passive-aggressive abusive, and the other responds by being physically abusive?

Of course then there are just those people who are control-freak, physical abusers, too.

I just think it would be good to take the early reports more seriously to try intervene before things get out of hand?

lascantas said:

A policeman/woman's job is mainly to enforce the law. It'll be good if the system can advocate a change whereas all police officers can intervene by suggesting counseling and provide names before things get out of hand. That way if something happens, they're covered along with the police report. I'm sure there are some officers out there who went beyond the call of duty to advise couseling because they're concerned. Again, its up to the couples whether or not they want counseling. Also, I would like to say that I left in 2005, so I wish that I knew if there were any law changes as to how they're handling domestic violence for that particular state.

Are these "5 Myths" or "5 Mistakes"?

Somewhere in the post, the purpose seems to shift a bit.





YHWH is Elohim, Yahoshua is King, and Torah is The Law
[Edited 3/12/09 9:14am]
[Edited 3/12/09 9:14am]

purplesweat said:

Well.. the focus is gone now.

Everyone form Oprah to women on Prince.org who have been abused are blending their experiences with Fenty's/Brown's (or The Browns).

This is why Mr.B is in big, BIG trouble - as he should be if (and I said if) Ms.Rihanna Fenty testifies to her statements in the police report.

This thing will be huge. Everyone will be waiting for the trial next year.



YHWH is Elohim, Yahoshua is King, and Torah is The Law

It will generate $$$$ for California. It's just what the doctor ordered for the state's money-crunch. All kinds of press will arrive in L.A. to cover the trial and spend $$$$.

This is the other side of fame.
[Edited 3/12/09 9:22am]
[Edited 3/12/09 9:26am]

i disagree with a few things, i do think this was indeed a fight. ofcourse chris went overboard and was wrong for fighting a woman, but rhianna started hitting him according to a few sources,after she read the text which seems way more logical than chris just out the blue beating the shit outta her. like i said he was wrong to hit her but she was also wrong to hit him,its really dangerous to send the message to young girls that no matter what the circumstance a man wont hit them so its cool to smack the shit out of some dude because he cant hit you back. if you raise your hand up to somebody you need to be prepared to get hit back, so how about teaching kids, boys AND girls to keep their hands to themselves.

lowkey said:

Hell if my girl hit me because she found out I was cheating on her..I think she derserve to get mad and hit me. I would just stop the car...get out and walk / run away from her..because I can hurt that woman bad. Restrain her..but I would not ever want to mess her face up. She couldnt hit me as much as I can hit her.

She did not derserve that at all...plus THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME!!! he was threatening to beat her MORE..remember yo.

purplesweat said:

Exactly! I guess Teeagers PROVOKE mollesters and predators ha???

paisleypark4 said:

your reaction would be the right thing to do but remember we are talking about a 19 year old, he wasnt mature enough to walk away from her he over reacted. i really cant say if this is the 1st time he hit her or not because i dont know what goes on in their relationship, this is the 1st time i have heard of any violence between them so i have to go by that. do i think this is their first fight, no i dont but i also think rhianna may have a violent side to her as well, she has admitted that she gets angry and use to fight her brothers, even said she smashed her brother in the head with a glass.i think they are both to yound and immature to be in such a serious and obviously unstable relationship, they need to take alot of time apart and get some help. i dont think its to late for chris to get himself together, he has alot of growing to do, i also think rhianna need to deal with her anger issues and realize that if a man dont wanna be with you and he's disrespecting you by cheating then she need to let go and move on.

angel345 said:

Well.. I don't understand something. When a person hits another person, it's against the law,right? Isn't that assault? It doesn't matter if the people involved are married. If a person hits another person.. then.. well the person hitting has broken the law, right? Gender doesn't matter either. If a woman hits a man, it is against the law, right? A man--whether be a husband, boyfriend, or just friend is well within his rights to call police if a woman hits him with malice, particularly if the argument is escalating to where maybe the man feels like he is going to lose his temper. Maybe the man cannot leave? Maybe he is afraid the woman will hurt herself or something? Maybe he lives in the house, too? I am sure there are many reasons a man would not be able to leave, necessarily. So yes, I think the police should be called for any assault and that goes for beating children, too!

Of course, I know many will disagree, but this is just my humble opinion.

oh please don't get me started...your little highlights and contradictory commentary are vague and laboured and nonsensical...luv2u do your job...you seem to like locking threads
[Edited 3/12/09 13:52pm]

The first and main mistakes we make when we talk about Rihanna is calling that junk she records "music" and calling her annoying caterwauling "singing"!
[Edited 3/12/09 14:47pm]

Let me be clear: What I'm saying is in the state where I used to live and work, you would have to have visible injuries for them to arrest that person for assault and battery, and even with that, if you're alive, it is your option to press charges. Otherwise if no visible injuries, its just plain harassment and they would suggest that the person leave the premises, and you take out an order of protection. After the order of protection, if they come anywhere near you, then you can have them arrested. There are times when the officers offer to arrest the person in serious cases, and they don't want to press charges. We're reading about such people on this thread. I know this sounds like a very sticky situation, but when victims don't press charges, or take out an order of protection, what can they do about it? Laws vary according to your state. They're not the same at all.
[Edited 3/12/09 14:49pm]

angel345 said:

I see! So a person has to be injured before it's assault? I understand battery is injury, isn't it? But I thought it was against the law to even "assault" somebody?

I still say if somebody hit me in the heat of anger or emotion.. whether or not I was injured, I would call the police. I don't care if it was a guy who hit me or a girl. I just don't think that's right to hit somebody.

That's weird.

lascantas said:

You could definitely call the police because a crime has been committed. Assault is against the law and so is rape and harrassment. Not all crimes are reported. I was just explaining their classifications, and how they'll handle it. Battery, by the way falls under assault,and that's what they call it. Some states say battery. The person must have visible injuries for it to be an assault. It can be one time, too. No visible injuries, no assault, but harrassment classification, a misdemenor, but the charge does go up if your condition becomes worse and lifethreatening. If you snatch a newspaper off someone's lap, that's grand larceny, according to the state I once lived in. Now, that's ridiculous. Laws change, though.
[Edited 3/12/09 16:38pm]

Fuck her Miss Cleo ass.

lascantas said:

Assault does not require physical contact, battery does.

have you seen this?

http://www.youtube.com/wa...0C-73LFs58