Mikematronic, you've got to stop this.

unkemptpueblo said:

it's with a K!

Wow! The Story behind Toxic:

Former pop star, Cathy Dennis paid me a visit to my mansion to discuss a new song she had written for me. I thought it was strange when she arrived in an ‘all-in-one body stocking / cat suit’ but she told me that it was the only thing she had clean, ironed and ready to wear. “I wore it in a video in the nineties” she laughed. I smiled and looked at her uncomfortably.

“So, what’s this song you have for me?” I enquired.

“It’s a new song and it’s called ‘Touch Me (All Night Long)’, and she started to sing the chorus.

“Erm……isn’t that an old one? Isn’t that your old hit?” I said.

“Ohhhh….errrr…..yeah….” Cathy grabbed a pen. “Can you hang on a minute?” She rolled the pen between her teeth and wrote something down.

I told her I needed to make a phone call and walked into the kitchen.

Three minutes later, Cathy shouted “I’ve got it!”

“I’ve got the perfect song for you. It’s called ‘Toxic’. You will love it!”

“OK. Let me hear it?” I said nervously.

Cathy grabbed her guitar and began to sing the song. She was accompanied by a large moustached man who was playing the spoons.“It’s amazing!”. I jumped in the air. “I’ll take it!”

One of my contacts in the music business (the dude I shag to get those advance copies of the albums) has given me a sneak preview of Britney's autobio to be published by the book division of Jive Enterprises.

Britney – My Story

My entrance into the world of super-stardom started at a very early age. After appearing in several pageants and talent shows, I was spotted by an agent who quickly signed me up. I got a chance to audition for the Disney Club TV show and thanks to my extraordinary talent of pulling faces whilst singing songs that were painfully beyond my vocal range – I got the part! I was over the moon.

My time on the show was mixed. I found a friend in a young chap called Justin Timberland (his father owned the famous fashion house – Timberlake). I thought he was dreamy and it wasn’t long before we were dating. This was much to the annoyance of another cast member, Christina Agoraphobia – a girl who enjoyed the Clown sketches a little too much as she began to wear the make-up offset - yes, even after filming! I had a short-lived friendship with Christina. Not only did she make it obvious that she was jealous of my relationship with Justin – but she also tried to persuade me to change my image and wear cowboy chaps and a bikini top. I refused her advice as I was only 14. We didn’t speak again for years.

I decided I wanted to move away from Disney and began work on recording some demo’s to try and get a record deal. After school, I would race over to the studios and sing my little heart out for hours. Often, I would be still wearing my school uniform or gym kit. A chance visit from a pervy record company executive to the studios and I was spotted. That recording contract I’d always dreamed of was in sight. Two weeks later and I was signed up and flown to Sweden to record my first album. It was amazing experience but I missed Justin and grew tired of eating Swedish Meatballs all day long.

Three months later and we decided on what would become my first single. The song - “Hit Me Baby One More Time….. and I Swear I Will Call 911 (that’s the police - not the pop group)!” – a song about domestic violence and crap boy bands was to be released but it was pulled at the last minute. The record company decided that a song about domestic abuse sang by a 15 year old girl would not sell. I was gutted. I’d worked so hard and desperately wanted to people to hear my political and social views through my music. We went back into the studio and changed the lyrics. The record company were happy and we went ahead with the release of ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ – a song about going to school and wearing short skirts. The song became a huge hit around the world.

I released several more albums and singles including ‘Oops I did it again’– and ‘Toxic’ – a song about my fondness for green coloured milkshakes.

My relationship with Justin ended abruptly when I decided that he was boring. I grew tired of him trying to emulate Michael Jackson. One day, he was doing the moonwalk and he accidentally broke my display of priceless porcelain thimbles. I was gutted and told him it was over.

Whilst driving to a gig in LA, I had a car accident and thought I’d ran over a small furry ferret. Little did I know that I had bumped into a man who looked like a ferret. He was charming and ferret-like and all I’d ever dreamt of. His name was Kevin. I proposed there and then and we eloped and got married (This was after I’d checked that my divorces to my other three husbands had gone through).

My friend Madonna called me to congratulate me and suggested that we perform together at an awards ceremony. Madonna told me that the theme was ‘authentic Lebanese dancing’. I thought that it sounded like an interesting idea and agreed.

When it came to the big night - the performance was ruined by my arch enemy Christina Agoraphobia who jumped up on stage trying to steal my thunder. I was also shocked when Madonna tried to snog me on stage. She told me afterwards it was to thank me for agreeing to perform. I told her a greetings card or a bunch of flowers would have been better.

I was blissfully happy and soon came the good news that I was pregnant.
I thought my life was sorted but then came the arguments. My friends would often tell me that I was giving him too much money….but then how was I to know any better? He would often say “Britters….can I have $500,000 to buy some gum?” …and I would give him my credit card. I mean, how the hell would I know how much Wrigley’s spearmint gum costs? I don’t work in Wal-Mart! I’m a pop star!

We argued and argued – especially after I found out how much gum really costs. I told him to leave.

Upset and miserable, I flew to a secret hideaway in Ireland. It was there that I became good friends with Sinead O’Connor. She taught me the value of things (literally – do you know how much hairspray costs? I had no idea!). She also said that I must strip myself of everything and start afresh. I flew back to LA and decided that drastic measures needed to be taken.

I needed to change. I’d booked an appointment at a small hair salon for tomorrow and decided that everything must go! I threw out all of my clothes and belongings.

The next day – the house was stripped bare. Along with my possessions – I must get rid of my trademark hair. I realised that most of my hair was fake and it wouldn’t be too much work to get rid of it all. The hair stylist agreed and we shaved it all off! Annoyingly, the press went wild about this and there were rumours that I was mentally ill. I was devastated. Not devastated about what the press were writing….I was devastated because it didn’t look good. That Sinead cow had promised me that I would look good!

Back in LA, things were going from bad to worse. I couldn’t remember how children we had after my accident. Two weeks earlier I tripped and fell on a photographer and I haven’t been the same since. Well, I’d like to see you try and carry a baby, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a milk shake and 40 cigs at the same time……
[Edited 10/23/07 9:34am]