In February of 2003, supporting an effort to raise money for the island of Kauai‘s YWCA Sexual Assault Treatment Center, I had the privilege of being invited to perform in a local production of The Vagina Monologues at the Kilauea Theater. We also had the added surprise and delight that Eve Ensler, the Vagina Monologues author, would visit and attend our performance on her way back from Australia.

The night before the performance, the cast had watched Eve’s Lifetime Television Bio at my home. It gave us a peek into the spirit and unwavering commitment she has given to listening to the many unheard voices of women around the world, and to her vision of ending violence against all women internationally. Not only was I a fan of the play, but now I was also a fan of its author and what she was doing with her art and its success.




On the evening of the performance I had stage jitters like I’ve never had before. I was pacing back and forth praying I wasn’t going to forget my lines when I heard a commotion going on outside our dressing room -- a converted Matson container. Popping my head out the dressing room door, I saw all my fellow actors lining up to shake Eve Ensler’s hand.

As she came to where I stood at the door, I could hardly contain myself. I remember pouncing on her like a waiting cat. Holding both her shoulders and looking into her eyes, I involuntarily shook her hard. I thanked her for being born, and finished off the introduction with an enthusiastic hug. Stunned, she looked at me like I was some crazy unhinged person. While Eve stepped away to shake my adopted mother's hand, I was sure she was making a mental note to keep a safe distance from this kooky Kauai actress.

After the final introductions had been made, Eve, looking at Kelly Schaffer, an out-standing black actress, and then at all of us standing around, asked “So who's Toni Childs?” Pointing at myself, I said, “I am!” Eve, clearly confused, looked behind me and into the dressing room. Once again, pointing at myself, I said, “Me, I’m Toni Childs”. At that point she looked at Kelly and then at me, and laughed out loud in a raspy New Yorker way, "Oh my Gawd! All this time I thought you were black. Your music saved my life, literally!”

Eve grabbed me and gave me big hug and we squealed with delight and surprise. Gently holding my face in her two hands, she looked deeply into my eyes and thanked me for my music. She began telling all of us standing there that my music was a lifesaver for her at a time when she was at her lowest ebb. Driving aimlessly in a pit of despair, she found solace listening over and over to my music. She said, “It was the only thing that could pull me back from the abyss.”

I was ecstatic and deeply moved that my music had touched this incredibly special woman so profoundly, but it was nearly show time. We gathered for a Kauai blessing and the night became electric.

After the performance I got to spend some one-on-one time with Eve. Almost instantaneously, Eve asked me in her blunt New York manner I would come to know and love, “Why aren’t you singing?” It was definitely a subject I didn’t really know how to respond to. Yes, I hadn’t made a record in nine years. I started to stammer out an answer and before I could get a word in she hit me again with, “Why aren’t you singing?” This time I began to reply that my Graves Disease had kept me out of the business. But before I could finish my sentence, I got hit a third time with the same question. I defensively shot back, “ If you give me a chance to speak, you might find out.”

At the end of 1997 with one eye bulging, and my heart pounding, I was diagnosed with acute Graves Disease. I was told by three doctors that I needed to stop my life. At that time, I had been living at high stress altitude for over a year, and had jokingly dubbed my life "the stress Alps".

I was put on heart inhibitors and told I would have to be on thyroid medication for the rest of my life. So I stopped my life in Los Angeles as I knew it, and eventually landed on the beautiful island of Kauai.

At first it felt good to stop, but after a while I started to put on a great deal of weight. I was depressed. My realizations were this; I had overly defined myself through my work achievements, and my disease boiled down to a lack of self-love -- a beauty wound. Essentially I had to admit that I had what so many of my women friends have -- the not enough syndrome. Just proclaim, "I’m not thin enough" (smart enough, pretty enough, etc.), and you're part of an international women's club.

In an effort to change my constant mental pattern of never being enough, I created a physical meditation with salt rubs I had made myself using herbs and essential oils. I applied my concoctions religiously every time I took a shower. I lovingly touched and thanked every part of my body. Soon, the weight started coming off and I was able to reduce my meds to three times a week. Slowly, I weaned myself completely off the medication. And I am happy to say I have been off medication for three years now.

With the party in full swing, Eve and I sat talking head to head under Kauai’s fragrant night sky. “I’ve been looking for someone to write a song for me", Eve said. “And I haven’t found the right person. You know what I think?” Her voice snapped, “I think you’re the one to do it. I want you to write an anthem that will inspire people to end violence against women and girls for all time. And I want to put it into a documentary we’re making called, Until the Violence Stops. Say yes!”

Wow! What a tall order, I thought to myself. Of course I was excited by the notion of writing a song for Eve, but AN ANTHEM! I told her instantly that I didn’t know if I could do it and would need to think about it. “No thinking about it,” Eve said in a clear voice, “you need to do this.” And that was basically that.

I had an August deadline. After seeing the rough cut of the documentary, I ruminated about this song for months. I was deeply moved and inspired by the incredible work Eve’s V-DAY organization was doing internationally. However, everything I tried seemed empty and trite in comparison.

Finally, waking up one morning watching a beautiful sunrise, I had an "Aha" moment. I reflected on the power of the moment and realized: when the sun came out and lit up the world, it didn’t judge itself, it just was. I thought about all the women in the world, and how each and every one is a living beauty. It just is so. And then it hit me: if violence was really going to end against women, women needed to first stop the violence they inflicted upon themselves. I thought about the violence I had perpetrated on myself every day. I reflected on the small ways that I inhibited myself from feeling the beauty and power that I truly am. I thought about the lack of love I have felt for myself and how it manifested itself in bad health, and what a difference the powerful effects of self-love and acknowledging my unique beauty had on my overall presence.

I knew I needed to inject this love into the song I had been asked to write. With the help of David Ricketts, David Tickle and Eddy Free, I was able to write and record the song, Because You’re Beautiful. We collectively gifted all the proceeds from this song to the V-DAY Organization to assist with their commitment to end violence against women. We are happy and proud to have been awarded an Emmy in the category of Outstanding Music and Lyrics for this inspired project!

I have received many special and enduring gifts during this unique journey with Eve Some material and others spiritual in nature. The ones that touch my spirit tend to be the most enduring. One was an It's a Wonderful Life moment, which by the way is one of my all time favorite movies. I realized that if I hadn’t been born and made the records I made, perhaps Eve wouldn’t have been able to pull herself back from the edge of the abyss at a time when she really needed to feel she wasn’t alone. Consequently, she may not have been around to write The Vagina Monologues, a play which has been responsible for igniting a powerful international women’s movement. And ultimately, she in turn would not have been around to inspire me to sing again from the place I love more than anything else ­ my very heart and soul -- putting me in touch again with the core purpose of my life! You know it's true, youdon't always need leave your own back yard. Sometimes the mountain does come to you. Sometime your purpose finds you... again.

Life is such a gift; a magnificent and truly inspiring mystery. Thank you, Divine Spirit, for Eve... and my personal treasure hunt called evolution.


taken from www.tonichilds.com

And I'm a man

ugh.... i hate Kauai

I like Toni's vocal style. I am glad to see that she is still performing a for a good cause.