David Cross, Aimee Mann, and other fun folks watch the show with us and munch on chimichangas by Nancy Miller

There are two ways to watch the Grammys. Plan A: Pick up a sixer of Schlitz and some French onion dip and settle in for a long, lonely night. Plan B: Gather some of your favorite people, rent an extravagantly expensive L.A. penthouse, call up Sammy Hagar and have him send over a case of his Cabo Wabo tequila, enlist singer-cum-Food Network host Lisa Loeb to help whip up a menu for a Tex-Mex feast, and spend three hours generally having the time of your life. Yeah, we chose Plan B too. As did Loeb, rock spouses Aimee Mann and Michael Penn, Brett Anderson and Torry Castellano from the Donnas, comedian David Cross, and songwriter Desmond Child (''Livin' on a Prayer,'' ''Livin' la Vida Loca''), who joined us for a Grammy-night blowout.

4:45 PM

A jet-lagged David Cross strides through the door as other early arrivals gather around the television. Aimee Mann and Michael Penn plop down on a pair of chairs, while Desmond Child shows off a banana-orange cake he made from scratch.

CROSS So we're all here to make fun of Maroon 5, is that it?

CHILD What? I love Maroon 5! I'm rooting for Maroon 5!

Groans from around the room.

5:00 PM

The 47th Annual Grammy Awards officially begin as Best New Artist nominees the Black Eyed Peas take the stage to perform ''Let's Get It Started.'' Everyone is perched in front of a 72-inch wide-screen TV.

MANN Who are these people?
5:02 PM

The Black Eyed Peas give way to Gwen Stefani and Eve singing their hit ''Rich Girl.''

CHILD I know Gwen's legs are longer than that. Is it the wide-screen TV or is it. . .bad thighs? I just wanna know.

CROSS Listen to you! Right out of the gate!

CHILD I'm not accusing anyone of anything, I'm just questioning the technological situation.

MANN This all looks Pirates of Penzance. Is anyone else thinking this is all early Adam Ant? I can only say, Oh no, not again.

CROSS I feel like they're singing at me — they're yelling at me.

5:07 PM

Best New Artist nominees Maroon 5 begin to play ''This Love.''

CROSS I f---ing hate this song.

MANN I've never heard them.

CROSS Just imagine if Cake, matchbox twenty, and Third Eye Blind all got together and changed their names to Maroon 5.

PENN With a little Spin Doctors.

CROSS I like that [Maroon 5 keyboardist Jesse Carmichael] is wearing a peace sign on his arm. He's the hippie. The band was probably like, ''Don't wear the armband, you're going to make us look like d---s. Our whole point is to be very nonpolitical and not upsetting and not have a stand on anything, and you're going to f--- it up with your peace sign.''

CHILD I like that tenors have come back to rock music. It's been baritones from Creed on.

PENN From Pearl Jam on.

5:09 PM

The Peas return to the stage, singing ''Let's Get It Started'' again.

MANN I don't get this. They've put all this music together that has nothing to do with each other.


CROSS Weren't they just on? Why are they singing ''Let's get it started''? They started the f---ing show, and now they're back? Are they going to just keep coming back to sing ''Let's Get It Started'' at every stage of the show?

PENN [After Los Lonely Boys and Franz Ferdinand have also done their bits in the opening extravaganza] The sound guy must be going crazy. Stylistically it's kind of monochromatic, but I like some of it. It's just so geared for fame instead of artistry, the spectacle of it.

5:15 PM

Lisa Loeb arrives.

LOEB Am I on time? Was everyone else on time?

5:26 PM

Eight-time nominee Alicia Keys performs ''If I Ain't Got You.''

LOEB This is a good song.

CROSS This is my laundry song.

PENN When did it become hip to have an orchestra behind you?

MANN When you're trying to cover a multitude of sins. You can't have too many strings to make up for the lack of lyrics. She does look good, though. There, I've said something positive.
5:30 PM

Jamie Foxx joins Keys for a Quincy Jones-conducted duet of Ray Charles' hit ''Georgia on My Mind.''

CROSS Why don't they just give Foxx the Oscar now? What the f--- is this? Is Leonardo DiCaprio gonna come out and do his thing?

CHILD What, fly his plane over the stage?

CROSS This isn't fair. Paul Giamatti must be double-pissed right now.

PENN She sounds more like Ray Charles than he does.

5:33 PM

Adam Sandler and Nelly come out to announce the winner for Best Male R&B Vocal Performance.

LOEB I voted a lot for Prince. But I do love Usher so much. I voted a lot for him, too. His song [''Burn''] is great!

Prince wins.

LOEB Yay, Prince!. . . I also voted a lot for U2. I don't remember what else.

CROSS I love that Green Day album. I love it. It's great. I can't stop listening to it. It's f---ing great.

LOEB Voting for the Grammys is strange. There are so many records out there. And although they tell you not to vote for friends, you end up voting for—

CROSS Yeah, there are so many good — I mean, the history of great bands that have been overlooked is stunning, staggering. Upsetting.

5:45 PM

The last of the partygoers arrive: Donnas singer Brett Anderson and drummer Torry Castellano, clutching two bags of Doritos.

CASTELLANO We were going to make Frito pie but we couldn't find any Fritos. So we, uh, made a bag of Doritos.

CHILD I'm the only one who brought a dish to this party, because I thought there were going to be questions about the recipe.

CROSS I just flew in, but I was totally planning on making my sausage cheese balls. Jimmy Dean spicy sausage with cheese, Bisquick—pat 'em down, cook 'em. . .it's good.

5:56 PM

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony duet from their ''bedroom'' on stage.

CHILD They're the new Latino Newlyweds — this is their first episode.

PENN How'd we get on a Spanish soap opera? Let's turn it back to the Grammys.

CHILD Do you think that furniture is from their home?

MANN Wide-screen TV? Not a friend to J. Lo. Though so far, that was the highlight of the show.
6:03 PM

Gretchen Wilson joins members of Lynyrd Skynyrd, kicking off an eight-minute salute to Southern rock.

MANN I like Gretchen Wilson because she's a country singer who actually looks white-trash.

PENN Oh, they're doing ''Fooled Around and Fell in Love.'' That's [blues guitar legend] Elvin Bishop!

MANN God, I love this song. Look at that shirt Elvin Bishop's wearing. It's embroidered, God bless him. . . . And there's Tim McGraw, playing it safe with a black T-shirt. Meanwhile, the guy next to him [Dickie Betts]? He's wearing a rainbow serape and a wampum necklace. I love Serape Guy.

PENN Maybe this is a politically motivated moment. Southern rock, like, ''We in the entertainment field? We like the south of the country, too.'' It's their Color Me Red State moment.

CROSS [Watching applauding celebs on TV] Well, Ricky Martin loved it. Mischa Barton? That was the best thing Mischa Barton has ever seen. [Actually, we think he means Kyra Sedgwick.]

6:19 PM

During a commercial break. . .

CROSS Last year I got nominated for a [Best Comedy Album] Grammy. I lost out to Weird Al. I knew that they weren't going to give a Grammy to an album called Shut Up, You F---ing Baby. [To Mann and Penn]You guys been nominated for Grammys?

MANN I was, [in 2001] for the Magnolia soundtrack.

CROSS Was it fun to go?

MANN No! It was excruciating. I mean, it's sort of fun in a star-watching way, but I don't know who any of the people are.

6:29 PM

Quentin Tarantino, dressed like he just stepped out of a 50 Cent video, introduces Green Day.

CROSS Oh, dude!

MANN Aw yeah, the Q is in the hizzouse! Oh, God.

CHILD Do you think he's extroverted?

6:30 PM

Green Day's performance of ''American Idiot'' takes Mann back to her 'Til Tuesday years. . .

MANN Why does the bass player always get stuck with the bad-spiky-blond-hair look? Same thing happened to me.

LOEB Billie Joe looks good, but would you hang out with a guy who wore that much mascara?

6:45 PM

Alicia Keys accepts her Grammy for Best R&B Album.

PENN Oh, wow. Did Alicia Keys just thank ''radio and retail'' in her speech?

MANN No subtlety there.

PENN Shout-out to the Wherehouse!

CROSS There's another hour and a half of this? It goes till eight? All right, I'm gonna start drinking.

6:48 PM

As multinominated Kanye West performs ''Jesus Walks,'' Castellano serves Child's cake to the room.

CHILD How sweet she is! What a great housewife she would make.


ANDERSON [Taking a piece] This cake better not have weed in it!

PENN [Back to Kanye's performance] You know what? There's an interesting thing that they're doing, I think. They're juxtaposing gospel music with rap.

MANN Seems like somebody's trying to come up with a visual concept for the different kinds of music that they have, and I have to say, I think they're actually doing not too bad of a job. Praise to the chizzurch!

7:03 PM

Joss Stone and Melissa Etheridge duet on Janis Joplin's ''Piece of My Heart.''

MANN Joss Stone looks like they took Janis Joplin and gave her over to The Swan.

CHILD Etheridge's performance is amazing.

PENN A high point. I don't know, this show has turned around. . . . I'm impressed.

7:40 PM

The Tsunami All-Stars — Velvet Revolver (with Slash on guitar), Stevie Wonder, Steven Tyler, Bono, and Billie Joe Armstrong, among others — sings a rendition of the Beatles' ''Across the Universe.''

CROSS You think Stevie Wonder is like, ''F---, they made Ray! Now they'll never. . .''

THE DONNAS SLAAAAASH!

8:09 PM

Giddy from champagne and Hagar's tequila, Child and the Donnas decide to wager on the evening's final category: Album of the Year.

CASTELLANO [Standing in front of the room] Okay, everybody, who do you think is gonna win Album of the Year: Green Day, Usher, Alicia Keys, Kanye West, or Ray Charles?

PENN Green Day.

ANDERSON I think Usher's gonna win. He made a whole career out of this album.

CASTELLANO I don't know who I want to win, but I think Usher's gonna win.

CHILD Twenty bucks. Let's bet.

CASTELLANO Okay, wait. I have $1. . .wait, I have $3.

CHILD Okay, we're all betting $3. . .

CASTELLANO Okay, $3. We want Usher.

CHILD Green Day! Green Day! Green Day!

LOEB I think Alicia's gonna win. That was a huge record. That song [''If I Ain't Got You''] is a classic already.

CROSS I'd like to vote for Green Day. . .but I'm voting Ray Charles.

PENN I want Green Day. [Mann and I] are both Green Day. But it's not like we think they're gonna win.

CASTELLANO No, it's who you think is gonna win. I mean, we all want Green Day to win. . .

PENN Well, we don't compromise our ideals.

ANDERSON Well, we do. We're compromising, it's fine. We need the money.

MANN When are they going to announce this? It's late. Doesn't [presenter] Gary Sinise understand it's time to go home?

8:25 PM

The Album of the Year goes to. . .Ray Charles.

CASTELLANO David wins!

CROSS I'm going to donate the entire $24 to. . .let's give it to the bartender. Bartender Relief!

True to his word, Cross delivers the crumpled pile of singles to the bartender, who's already packing up.

8:45 PM

As the credits roll, EW's Grammy guests head for the door. For some, it's the beginning of a long night's worth of lavish post-Grammy parties. For others, it's bedtime. But for all, it's a time for a little reflection.

Aimee Mann is queen. I love how she disses Alicia's "a-4-year-old-wrote-them" candy-ass lyrics.

Loved it. Thanks, sos.

VoicesCarry said:

yes, but she thought J. Lo was a high point, likes Gretchen Wilson, the Freebird song, and Kanye's performance.

GrayKing said:

oh come on...she said chizzurch!!

GrayKing said:

"MANN Wide-screen TV? Not a friend to J. Lo. Though so far, that was the highlight of the show."

Don't really understand sarcasm, do you?

and Gretchen Wilson she likes because she's trailer trash.

Sos already explained Kanye.