this has been posted countless times, but I thought I'd resurrect it anyway, cause....well, just cause...


IN THE BEGINNING
In the beginning there was a bass.

It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz-----nobody knows.

Anyway, it was very old…definitely pre-CBS.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good, in fact, and couldn’t be improved upon at all (although men would later try). And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo, the man look upon the bass, which was a beautiful sunburst red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments. Thus reverb come to be. And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at His handiwork.

In the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo, it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, “Go, man, go.” And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops.

And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound that sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the moving of furniture, which He hadn’t even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying, “Don’t do that!”

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that is another story).

And God heard this---how could He miss it---and lo, He became bugged.

And he spoke to the man, and He said, “Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts.”

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off the bass that God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God’s wrath was great. And his was thunder as He spoke to the man. He said, “ OK for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. LO, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of.

“And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And I shall make you to always stand by the drummer, and he shall play so many notes thine head shall ache. ”You think you’re loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass.

“And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this: that all the other instruments shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too fast or too high all the other musicians shall say “wow”, but really they shall hate it.

And they shall tell you’re ready for your solo career, and they shall find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night.

And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink.”
And it was so.




- from Tony Levin’s book

‘Beyond the Bass Clef-The Life and Art of Bass Playing





...
[Edited 1/28/05 16:41pm]

Excellent. Haven't seen that one in a while.

One good story deserves another...

The “REAL BOOK" story of Noah

..And so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him.

"Noah, awake and heed my words!"

And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, did cry out, "Who goeth there?"

And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, "It is the Lord of all things, dummy!"

And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"

And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band. "For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets."

And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord."

And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader."

And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?"

And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou will be my Contractor. Ask not why!"

And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader play?"

And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not.
For his job shall primarily be to talk to the Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off Tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that instrument in the band, just to be safe."

And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?"

And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all payments. "Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Soundman, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore."

And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are Strange and Mysterious. What more shall I do?"

And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section.
"First, find me a Drummer. And Three Things above all must this Drummer possess."

And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?"

And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying "Second-guess me not, my servant.
First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which.
"And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing.
"And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness, in all
things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with the Bass Player."

And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?"

And the Lord did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player. And he shall be Bored. That is all."

And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"

"Next shall be the Piano Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall play Substitution upon Substitution, until no man may name the Chord, and he will not be helpful. "Furthermore, he shall always be Late.
And he shall always be trying out New Gear, of which he has no knowledge."

And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!"

"Next shall be the Guitar Player. And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player.
And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll'.
"Also shall he know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels.
"And his tux shall be the Rattiest."

And Noah did say, "It shall be done."

And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need Horns. "First shall be the Saxophones.
And they shall be Beboppers. And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad.
And they shall Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when 'In The Mood' is called.
"Next shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently.
And of Changes they shall know nothing.
"And finally shall be the Trombone Player. And many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the first to be Cut from the Band."

And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!"

"Next shall be the String Players. Find me Three Women, and attach Pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain. "And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing."

And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?"

And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers.
"And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females. "And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock 'N Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play The Harmonica. "And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, and the Disco.
"And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs.
"But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male, and forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of Equipment.
"And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why."

And Noah did say, "As Thou sayest, my Lord."

And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have No Work yet, a Committment must be secured from All. And while you're at it, start looking for Subs."

And Noah did say, "Lord, thy will be done."

And it was.


tA

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...rmusic.htm

theAudience said:

"It's funny 'cos its True"