After reading some "views" posted by both Teacher and FunkyStrange about running out of orgNotes, I started thinking of an experience I had online...and thought I'd post it here. It's long, very long...but for anyone who takes the time to read it, I hope you feel it was worth your time...


Back a little over 3 years ago, I first was introduced to the internet and all the socialization aspects of it thru AOL. After about 3 months of just exploring, I discovered the chat rooms that they had on there...I worked at night as a janitor, supporting myself thru college, taking classes during the day and working at night cleaning a 3-story building. And during my early morning breaks around 2am, I’d log online in my boss’s office and go online on his computer(all with his blessing)...and I’d head to the chat room to spend some time “chatting" with whoever was there at the time...

One time when I went into the chat room during the day, I met a woman named Elisa...she was 20 when I met her, or just turned it...I mentioned in passing that I lived in California, and told me she did, too...She also started making jokes and saying “So, was it YOU who I saw peeping in my window last night??!!"...lol I of course would play along...it became a running joke between us whenever we’d be in the chat room at the same time...if we said nothing else, and often we did not, we’d at least make one joking comment about me peeping in her window...Although we barely talked, we seemed to get along well...one time she asked me if I had a photo, and I sent her the only one I had...her email back to me simply said “Holy Wow!”...lol...so I asked for one of her in return...she sent me a photo of herself, a young woman with long, blonde hair and large, deep eyes...she was very pretty, and I told her so...

Over time, and thru mutual friends, I came to learn a little more about Elisa...she had gone thru some serious shit in her life...her dad was fucked in the head...paranoid, and far, far beyond jealous...unhealthily so...to the point that when Elisa was 17, he ended up killing Elisa’s mom, and then himself, in a jealous rage...her mom had done nothing, but he was not stable so it didn’t matter...A year later, when Elisa was 18, she had a real-life stalker in her life...he followed her one night and ended up attacking her, slitting her throat and stabbing her in the abdomen...she ended up in the hospital, almost dead...the slitting of her throat caused her to lose most of her ability to speak...and the attack on her body caused it so that she couldn’t have any kids... This man lived in her neighborhood, and apparently followed her continuously without her knowing it...until his warped desire to attack became too much...

As a result, she was amazingly fearful of any and all men...only had but a few males in her life she felt close enough to trust...her brother, a lifelong male friend named Evan...and a guy named Norm whom she loved with a passion...Elisa had first met Norm online, and they ended up meeting months later...he lived in Florida, and was 41 years old to her 20 years...I learned almost all of this thru others besides Elisa...I never questioned her about it, because she and I rarely, if ever, talked...and when we did, it was.only the occasional joke about me peeping in her bedroom window at night...lol ...

Her: ”I saw you peeping in my window again!!..”...
Me: ”Well, you must want me to peep in your window or else you wouldn’t leave a recliner and a bowl of Doritos outside your bedroom window for me!!”...
”Do you want me to wear the red thong tonight or the white one??”...
”Wear white...I peeped you in the red one last night, remember??”...
”Oh yeah...ok, I’ll wear white tonight...you pervert!!”...

That was a normal conversation between Elisa and I in the chat room...lol..

So, about 6 months later, I started a new job...great pay, wonderful working conditions...and I knew right then and there that this was were I belonged, and what I desired to be doing with my life...returning to school and working at night had finally paid off... ...Because of this, I eliminated almost all online activities...I dove into my career headfirst, dedicating long hours each day to making sure I understood my responsibilities...16-20 hour workdays were the norm for me--and often still are--and I often found myself completely alone in our large office space late at night, my every sound echoing loudly in the emptiness...I didn’t mind, though...because I had wanted this type of job for sooo long, and I finally had it...to me, it was more than worth the sacrifice...

Yet I did occasionally find myself wishing and wanting interaction with others...and getting off work around midnight night after night didn't afford me many opportunities to do so...and I started missing having the chat room to visit during those early morning hours...I didn’t have AOL at work, so I used my work email address and sent out a “form email” to about 4 people who I had grown close to while still working as a janitor and spending my breaks in the AOL chat room...occasionally a few of them wrote me back...and getting their emails were definitely a pleasure for me...

About 2-3 months after I started working in my new job, I was working late again, and was feeling a bit down..so I sent out another form email to the few friends I still had from AOL, saying “I know you’re all envious of me because it’s 11:00pm at night and I’m still at work while you’re all stuck in your beds!!"... ...I wrote everyone’s email addresses down and started to click “send” ...and almost as an afterthought, I included Elisa’s email address as well...Well, nobody responded at first,which isn’t unusual because everyone I wrote either lived in the Midwest or back east...I knew they would be asleep, but I wrote them anyway...suddenly, though, a “ding” went off on my computer, signifying that I had received an email thru the company email system...it was from Elisa...

She had written back, because she was up late also...so I wrote back to her...and she wrote back again to me...and we wrote back and forth for like 2 hours straight...lol......by the time I started leaving for home, she said goodnight, and thanked me for spending time with her...I said it was me who should be thanking her, and did so...she ended it by saying “Are you gonna stop by and peep in my window on your way home??”...lol... I said of course, and we just smiled and said our goodbyes for the night...

We kept writing each other at night for a few weeks...I’d send an email if I was working late seeing if she was up...most times she was...And in between working on a project or doing a print run, I’d email her back...most of the time it was joking...sometimes it was serious, though...and on occasion it was even flirty...lol...Working at night suddenly didn’t feel quite so alone to me, simply because Elisa was spending time to talk back and forth with me thru emails...And on those rare occasions when I did go back on AOL, she and I would instant message and talk in “real time”...Once during those Messenger talks, I found out that the reason she was up so late was because it was right around the time of year when her dad killed her mom, and it still upset her...it also happend to be right around the same time of year my sister had died, which had been on my mind as well...so we talked about that, relating to each other how it felt to relive over and over losing someone you loved so much...

She then filled me in deeper on what had happened in her life...she told me about the pain she went thru when her father killed her mother, then himself...about the confusion she felt at the time, and still did...about how she had to remain strong for her younger brother, since they were all each other had...about having to take care and maintain the house her parents bought and that they lived in...she said my emails at night helped her deal with it all...helped take her mind off of things...knowing that made me smile...

As a result, Elisa and I found ourselves truly growing closer...our writing was an everyday occurrence, and I’d try to go on AOL at least a few times a month to talk to her in IMs...a good friendship grew from that... And during one of our times in Messenger, when she started telling me about her family life, she stopped and asked me about mine...I told her about my childhood...about my father’s history and his brief 15 minutes of fame when he received the bronze star at the Pentagon...He was even featured in People magazine, under the heading of "Heroes"...very, very proud moment for me...very emotional......

And I also told her about my mom, how wonderful and loving she had always been and still remains...I told her that complete strangers have wanted to “adopt” my mom because of her wonderfully positive personality...And that’s no exagerration either...I end up with “adopted” brothers and sisters all the time..lol...some of the sweetest and most compassionate people I’ve ever met, and to see how much they care about my mom truly touched me...And as I told Elisa all this, she suddenly asked me in Messenger if my mom would “adopt” her...and she said “I could really use a mom a lot of times..."... ...I felt so sorry for her, that I said “I know she would, Elisa"...then said “besides, I’ve already adopted you as my little sister, so by default she has adopted you as her daughter..lol"...She laughed, and called me “big bro”...and thanked me... After that, all our emails seemed to include her calling me “big bro” and me calling her “lil sis”...that, and of course comments about me peeping in her window at night...lol...”I’m tellin’ mom you were peeping in on me again!!”...”Oh, be quiet...mom already knows I peep on you...she doesn’t care as long as I get the lawn mowed and bring the recliner back inside when I’m done!!”...

After about 2 months more of us talking, Elisa writes to me, and tells me that the guy she met from online, Norm...the guy she loves more than anything...that he had been lying to her...they had apparently agreed that, because of the distance between them, they would not ask anything of one another, other than being honest if either of them wanted out or met somebody else...well, Norm had a maid who Elisa used to “joke” about him wanting her...he would always act upset that she’d think such a thing, and that no, he had no interest in her whatsoever...but it turned out he was not being truthful...Norm let it be known to her one day that he's actually carrying on with his maid(who he's denied all along being attracted to)...he’s crying to Elisa because the maid had called off everything for some reason...Elisa tries to be a friend, but it breaks her heart because he never told her of his feelings for this woman...and now he was crying to her about losing her, and she was trying her best to keep her emotions inside...she told me what hurt her the most was that Norm didn't even seem to comprehend exactly how much she must be hurting from hearing all this...When I heard about this, I was furious...

Shortly afterwards, Elisa wrote me an email saying she was leaving AOL, that it hurt her too much to deal with what Norm had done...not to mention that Norm had started harassing her somewhat when he'd see her online...she ended up canceling her account, but would still come online under a family friend’s AOL account...she gave me her friend’s email address, and begged me to keep it to myself...I of course oblidged, and started writing to her at her new address..This was in late summer, and around this time we both were talking in emails about San Francisco..I told her that I was planning on spending the weekend up there just to get away, and she told me that she would be in San Francisco that same weekend, and suggested we meet... I told her where I’d be staying, and said that if she had time from work to stop by, she was more than welcomed to do so...We never did meet, however...and when I returned she let me know that she was so preoccupied with her job(sports medicine...she attended UCLA), that she didn’t have any time to spare that weekend...I told her it was ok, and that I understood...

Shortly after all this happened, Elisa just up and disappeared..I didn’t get any emails from her anymore..I told myself that Elisa must have grown tired of being on AOL even under her friend’s screen name, and left the internet completely...I had hoped that if it were true, that she would have at least said goodbye to me first..yet at the same time, I told myself that in reality I’m just “some guy she talks to on the internet”..so I really shouldn’t be expecting her to go out of her way to let me know of the changes in her life..I give her some laughs and call her “lil sis”, true..and yes, she called me “big bro” often, but in reality that was probably just for jokes in her mind...this was in November, right after her birthday...I rember because I had sent her a birthday card I designed myself thru email...But I had never gotten a reply...never got a “thank you”...she just disappeared...so I didn’t write to her again after that...

3 months later, I was talking in emails to a mutual friend Elisa and I had...I had not talked to this woman in months, not since the previous summer, I believe...and in one of our brief emails, she asked me if I knew about Elisa...I told her I hadn’t heard from her in close to three months...this friend then filled me in about Elisa herself...she told me that Elisa had cancer...and had cancer for almost a year...and that she had flown to France because she learned awhile before that she had some distance relatives living there..I was floored, both by her having cancer and by her having flown to France for several months..I simply told our mutual friend that if she ever heard from Elisa, to tell her that her “Big bro” says hi and sends his love... She promised to do just that...This was in February...

About a month or so later, in early April, I received an email from Elisa out of the blue... She started it by saying “Hi, big bro!!”, and went on to tell me how she had spent the last several months in France...she seemed so amazingly excited about it...told me about a distant aunt she found while there, and how she stayed with her the entire time...she said her brother stayed with a family friend(Evan) so that he wouldn’t fall behind in high school...she said that for the first time in a long time, she actually felt like she had “family”...

She also said “I suppose you’ve heard that I have cancer"...I said yes, and asked how she was doing...she told me that the doctors weren’t very optimistic, and that she was tired of the therapy and the treatments...and that she decided to place everything in God’s hands...she was foregoing the treatments and therapy, and was going to enjoy her life however long God allowed her to live it down here on Earth...I told her I understood, and would keep her in my prayers daily, which I did.. ...Because of her declining health, though, she said she wanted to move back to France, and spend whatever time she had left with her new-found family...that she truly loved the feeling of family she was able to experience, even if only with a distant aunt she had never met...

She also told me one other thing...she said that the family friend her brother had been staying with, Evan, had asked her to marry him...lol... She said that Evan had “loved” her for years, he was about 16 years older than she was...but that he had always been in her life, helping her after the tragedy of her parents and helping her recouperate after her stalker attack...I asked her if she said “yes”, and she said she hadn’t decided yet...that while she loved Evan, she didn’t feel “that way” about him...he was more like a brother to her than a lover or husband..she said “It would be like me marrying you, big bro!!..lol”...lol..I said “I think there are better ways that you can put that, sis..lol"... ...But I understood what she was saying...she told me that the biggest thing that was swaying her to say “yes” was that Evan had a little girl from a previous marriage...and that if she married Evan, she could be given the opportunity to be a mommy, something she’s always wanted but couldn't have because of the stalker attack...

She told me to please keep this information to myself...that she didn’t want Norm finding out about her plans...he had apparently contacted her with remorse and asking her to forgive his actions..I knew she loved the man deeply, and it must have pained her to have to think about letting him back into her life again... My only advice I gave her was that, no matter what the decision, to make it with her eyes wide open...and I also told her to make sure I got invited to the wedding if she ends up saying yes to Evan..lol..

Unfortunately Elisa didn’t respond to that email...and much like before, she just suddenly disappeared...and like before, I again found myself feeling that a “goodbye” would have been nice...but once again I reminded myself that while I was her “friend”, I wasn’t really her friend...I was just a guy she wrote to occasionally on the internet...someone who threw out goofy advice and stupid jokes in his emails...nothing more...and at a time like this, with her thinking of moving to France and wondering if she should marry Evan...and especially with her making the decision to forego cancer treatment and put herself in God’s hands...that with all that, the last person she’s thinkin’ about is some guy she only really knows thru online...to me, she meant a lot, and I truly cared for her and about her...but I did remind myself of the realities of everything, and it was that reminder that my existence in her life was “online only”, and hers in mine, that made the disappointment go away...

That was back in April of 2000...and I didn't hear from her again for months on end...I figured that by then, she had moved back to France, had maybe married Evan...and I hoped she was happy...

December of 2000 came, and I once again found myself wondering about Elisa...I hadn’t heard from her since April of that year, and had not written to her...our friendship was all online, and I told myself that these things happen...people don't actually put as much importance into online friends as they do real ones...no surprise if she decided to not write anymore...Still, I did think of her, wonder how she was holding up...so I mailed a letter to the email address she was using(her friend's)...basically my email said that I was an online friend of Elisa’s, that I was curious as to how she was doing...and to pass along my well wishes to her, and to tell her that I missed her..

About 2 weeks went by, and I didn’t get a response...Finally, I got an email from her friend’s AOL address...it ended up being Elisa herself writing back.to me... ..She said she had not gone to Paris afterall...that shortly after writing me back in April her illness got much worse, and she cancelled her trip while recouperating in the hospital...she had spent much of the past 7 months in and out of the hospital...and she again called me “big bro”..lol... ...which I was surprised she even rememberd...

We talked a few times more that week...and then one day she wrote me, asking me for a favor...she said that she and Norm had talked a lot over the past months, and that she and Norm had gone thru a lot together...that they had become close friends again...and that she still loved him, although she would never let him know just how much...and then she also told me Norm had cancer...she said “Norm always said that he and I were two peas in a pod...I guess we were more alike than I realized"...I was shocked, and even more shocked when she told me Norm was given only weeks to live...his illness had progressed much faster than Elisa's...she called it an "angry cancer" that Norm had...and after telling me of Norm's condition, she asked me a favor...Elisa asked me if I would pray for Norm...and also asked me to pray for her...because as she said it, “I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose him again..”...of course I did...gladly...

So I wrote back...I gave her some comforting words...She thanked me for helping her, saying she's glad she has me to talk to during all this...you see, since Evan, the lifelong friend, had been "in love" with Elisa for years...and even asked her to marry him...he wasn’t very happy to see Norm’s arrival back into her life...he knew how much he hurt her before...so, Evan didn't like Norm at all, for obvious reasons...so Elisa couldn't talk to him about what she was feeling with Norm's illness...so she talked to me...and I let her...

Well, I got an email from her late one night not too long after that, maybe a week or so...and in it, Elisa let me know that Norm did indeed pass away that very morning...and she said it was just too hard to deal with...she was home alone at the time...and couldn't talk to Evan about it anyways, not really...and just felt the need to "connect" with someone...so she thought of me, and emailed me, hoping to find me online...when I read her email I wrote back, hoping she was still around...she wrote back about 5 minutes later, letting me know she was...and telling me about the hurt...about how she dreaded waking up and not seeing Norm’s screen name show up on her monitor...of not seeing anymore emails from him...of not spending her mornings talking with him ever again...I simply “listened”...read her words...and offered “big bro” advice and sympathy thru my responses...it only lasted about 15 minutes before she said she needed to lay down...and again, she thanked me for taking the time to write back...I just said “that’s what big bros are for”...This was around New Year’s Eve...right at the beginning of 2001...

A week passed and I had not heard from her since that night..I had not written because I wanted to give her space to grieve and do whatever she needed to do to cope...I thought reading stupid emails from me is NOT what she needs right now...she has her real life to attend to, with a real brother and not one that only calls himself "big bro"...and with real friends who can comfort her in real ways, not just typing things out and sending it to her in emails...But I also was concerned...and wanted to simply let her know she was being thought about...so I wrote her a short email telling her so...However, I didn't get a reply...I figured she had disappeared again, and I didn’t blame her one bit if she did...

But then a few days later I got an email from her..only it wasn’t from her...it was from her brother...he and I had never spoken before...he said “This is Elisa’s brother. Elisa’s in the hospital...who are you again??”...I told him that I was a friend from the internet, and was just checking up to see how she was doing...He told me she was in the hospital having a brain tumor removed...this was about a week after Norm had passed...So he and I started talking a little thru emails...he told me that the family friend had notified him that Elisa had some emails in the account, so he decided to read them and respond if necessary...I told him to tell Elisa that her "big bro" loved her and was thinking of her...he made a joke about not knowing he had a big brother, and asked if he could borrow some money...lol.. He also said he'd tell her I had written, and would keep me updated...

I responded to his email and thanked him, feeling like I was truly imposing myself into something I shouldn’t be...I felt guilty, thinking that her brother should not have to be concerned over some guy his sister sent emails to online..I wanted to write him back and tell him not to worry about writing me, that in the scheme of things I wasn’t that important..but I didn’t, I think, because I did indeed want to know how she was doing...

A few days later her brother wrote back, and said that Elisa was out of surgery...she was, however, in critical condition, but improving...He also said, though, that the doctors said she seemed to have no will or desire or energy to help herself improve...he said he and Evan both thought it was because Norm had passed away so recently...that it depressed her so much that it was having an effect on her ability to recouperate, her desire to live...I only thanked him for updating me, and told him that when/if Elisa was well enough to talk to, to tell her I said hi, and that I’d be keeping her in my prayers...Over the next few days, Elisa's brother would send very short emails letting me know that Elisa was doing slightly better, but still not where the doctors wanted her to be...he also said he was printing out the emails I had sent, with the idea of reading them to her while she was still in the hospital...knowing this, I wrote a few emails each day, so that he’d could read them to Elisa...He said that only Norm and a mutual friend of theirs named Steve ever wrote her, and with Norm gone, nobody else seemed to write her...besides me, of course...so he thanked me for writing Elisa each day, and said that when she feels better and is up to it, he was going to take their laptop into the hospital if possible, so that she could retrieve her emails herself..I liked the thought of that, and kept up my daily emails to her...

I got one last email from Elisa's brother, right after Elisa came home from the hospital... His email said:

“sorry didn't keep in touch but been at the hosp alot and had to work last week too. Elisa came home yesterday. Her vitals were steady for a few days and shes able to get up and walk around for a few minutes at a time. She was begging to come home so they finally let her. She has a little fluid in lungs but they arent too worried about that yet. She's not doing great but shes holding her own right now. She can't type but she will start readingher own mail or most of it tomorrow.”

After this email, I stopped getting updates..I wrote a few more emails to Elisa, but because I wasn’t receiving anything in return I wondered if she was even getting them...or if perhaps I was bothering her, or maybe bothering her brother...or Evan perhaps??...I stopped writing, deciding once more to allow Elisa her real time, her real life...to remind myself again that talking to her thru emails and online doesn’t mean that I’ve a right to interfere in her real world...as much as she may have liked me, I was in reality simply “some guy she writes to online”...I may have known her for a year and a half, but I was no long time friend...and I again reminded myself of that fact...

About a week went by with no email from Elisa's brother...then a day or two later, I got an email...I was happy and surprised to see it was an email from Elisa herself... ...In it, she wrote:

“Hi brother dear

I''m not up t a lot of typing right now but I wanted to let you know that I'm alive, at least somewhat and thinking of my brother dear. (My brother) told me you'd been writing and has read your letters to me. Thank you for thinking of me, it means alot. You are a godsend. Hopefully I'll be up to more typing soon.

Sis

P.S. Don't be peepin into the windows for awhile, what you see could scare you to death!!! LOL”

Of course I smiled so big... After all that wondering and concern, I had heard back from Elisa herself... ...my thoughts, though, were still the same...knowing she didn’t have much strength, I did not want her using any of it on me, someone she’s never met, someone she only “talks” to on the internet...So I wrote her back immediately:

“Hey, "lil sis"...!!

Can't believe how much seeing your email made me smile...

Don't spend your precious energy trying to write back, Elisa...you save your strength for the more important things and people in your life. Trust me, your “big bro” will understand...

And I won't peep anymore, at your insistence..LoL...I"ll just take one last look in your window, though, before leaving...because you will always beautiful in your “big bro's” eyes...

Love U, sweetie...>muah<

Rest well...for me...please... ”

After writing that back to her, I went about my day happy...I had gotten to hear back from Elisa directly...nervousness about the worst evaporated...I checked my email daily, but didn't get any emails from Elisa for a few weeks...which was fine with me...I had wanted her to know that writing to a friend online was not as important as spending time with those around her...email correspondence was insignificant compared to real-life and real-time interaction...I was only wanting and hoping she was resting and getting better...our email "talks" would resume soon enough...I knew I was still just "this guy from online", but I was a happy "guy from online"...

About a week or so passed without still getting an email from Elisa...I wanted to see how she was doing, but yet still felt as if I was intruding by writing...and I most definitely did not want Elisa feeling obligated to write me simply cuz I had written her some emails...so I had kept myself from doing so...However, I truly did want to at least get an update...so against my better judgement, I wrote Elisa, and basically told her I was just checking to see how she was hanging in there...almost another week went by without any response...finally, one late night while I was again alone at work, I got an email back from Elisa...only when I opened it, it wasn't from Elisa...it was from Elisa's friend who had been letting Elisa use her email address...and in it, she said that Elisa's brother had been wanting her to contact me for the last few days...

She then told me that Elisa had passed away a few days earlier, on February 1st...

She asked me if I wanted to talk to her on at all...I said sure, not really positive I wanted to...she told me about Elisa's last days...telling me how she just never truly recouperated from her brain surgery...she also felt that it may have been due to her depression at Norm's passing...she told me that Norm had discussed with her that he had wanted his body cremated, and his ashes spread out over some hills in Maine...their mutual friend Steve lived in that area of the country, and he helped Norm's family fulfill his last wishes...She then told me that Elisa had wanted the same thing done with her when she passed away, to have her ashes scattered in the same area that Norm had...and as I listened, I thought to myself how many things I never knew about Elisa...that our friendship was indeed only "online"...I found myself wishing that we had been able to meet at least that one time in San Francisco...how maybe if we had, Elisa would have thought of me as a true friend, and not "a guy I talk to online" as I was fond of telling myself...I started feeling sad about the chances I missed out on because we had not met...

Then she asked me if I was the same guy who she saw in the photo Elisa showed her, with black curly hair and, as she put it, "bedroom eyes"...lol..I laughed and said yes, that was most likely me...she said she thought so, and then said to me "You know, Elisa talked about you so much...and she never talked about anyone from online...you must have really meant a lot to her"...I was taken back by hearing that...She told me that Elisa had been mentioning my name for well over a year, ever since she showed her my photo...that she'd tell her what I was doing, what I did for a living...that after she deleted her AOL account and started using hers, whenever she'd tell Elisa that I had written, Elisa would get "excited" and rush to read my emails...and as I'm hearing all this, I start to realize that in Elisa's mind, I was not just "this guy I talk to on the internet"...that my friendship held far more importance in her life than I ever allowed myself to believe...

I told her that I used to call Elisa my "lil sis" and that Elisa would jokingly call me her "big bro"...Elisa's friend said "I bet that meant the world to Elisa, too...she so desperately wanted to feel that sense of family...so I'm sure she loved having you think of her as your little sister.."...and upon hearing that, I could hardly talk or move...I started to think about how she almost always called me her "big bro" after I said I'd adopt her for my own...there was rarely an email in which she didn't call me her big brother...how she once told me she "really needed a mom sometimes", and asked if mine would adopt her...how much she truly loved hearing about how loving a family I came from...she constantly would bring it up, how wonderful it was to see someone with a "normal" family, and that she thought I was lucky...which I am...

I also admitted to her that, even though it was being said jokingly, I truly did come to think of her as my "lil sis"...and that I had loved it when she called me her "big bro"...I don't think that, until that point, I had even allowed myself to admit to myself how much I truly loved thinking that she might have felt that close to me that she considered me almost family...it was far easier to convince myself otherwise, that all our "big bro" and "lil sis" talk was just online internet goofiness...that it really held no importance to her, and shouldn't to me...but I was having one ferociously hard time convincing myself of that right then...

Finally, Elisa's friend told me something a bit curious...she told me that Elisa, as soon as she got out of the hospital, seemed to be preoccupied with the thought of her possibly "dying ugly"...that she had lost so much weight and looked so different, that she was depressed about it...that it made her "restless", she said...by any definition, Elisa was a very pretty female.. ...I have only one photo of her, the only one she allowed herself to send out...her hair was brushed in a way as to hide her neck...and thus, hiding the scar left by her attacker...I always felt sorry for her when I looked at the photo...and I really felt sorry for her hearing that she hated the idea of "dying ugly"...

Her friend, though, said that when Elisa did pass away, she looked "like an angel"...that she seemed so at peace, instead of restless...I liked hearing that...

And then I remembered Elisa's last email to me, and my last one to her...I remembered how Elisa told me not to "peep" in her window because what I saw might scare me to death...lol...and I thought about what Elisa's friend had just said to me...and instead of seeing what Elisa said as being simply a funny joke, it suddenly became a very true and very real comment about how she was feeling about her looks, couched in a humorous response...I realized that, thru the "peeping" joke, Elisa had admitted something very real and very serious to me...even though I didn't know it...

And then I thought about how I responded to her...how I told her that if she didn't want me to "see" her that way, then I'd honor her wishes...but that I wanted to take one last "look" at her...because, to me...her big brother...she'd always be beautiful in my eyes...no matter what...And I found myself wondering if, perhaps, just perhaps, my saying that...my words reaffirming her beauty in my eyes...helped calm her fears of "dying ugly" just a little...I know I had never seen her in person...and I know she knew this...but when I typed that, I don't think I had ever typed or said truer or more sincere words in my life...and I found myself wondering if Elisa felt that honest sincerity within my words, too, when she read them...if so...then yes, perhaps it gave her something to relive in her mind to help put her more at ease about "dying ugly"..

And I finally thought about how I ended that last email to Elisa by saying, "Rest well...for me...please.."...Hearing her friend tell me that upon leaving the hospital that she was constantly "restless", I couldn't help but feel a chill as I thought about telling her--without knowing--to "rest well"...to do it "for me"...and to simply say to her, "please"...

After thanking her for telling me everything I sat quietly for a moment at work...still alone, late at night as always...and without warning...I started crying...not solely because of the news Elisa had passed away...but because within her death I came to realize just how important I was to her...how important my friendship was to her...how important my words, simple words typed in an email or in Messenger, were to her...how much she truly valued the time I gave to her...how, regardless of how often and how much I was wanting to convince myself that Elisa only saw me as "this guy I talk to online"...that, in reality, she saw me as much, much, much more than that...and I allowed myself to realize that I saw her as much, much more than "this girl I talk to online" as well...even without meeting, or touching, or sharing physical space, Elisa and I had, in reality, become as close as two people could hope to come...and I was overwhelmed with the realization of this fact...and it hit me hard...real hard...

I spent a year and a half telling myself that this friendship Elisa and I shared wasn't a "real" friendship...that it was an "online thing"...that I couldn't possibly hold as much importance in her eyes as I would have if we had met...and that she really didn't hold that importance in my eyes for the same reason...and I was wrong.

When Elisa passed away, I only told one other person about all this at the time...it's one of the reasons I consider AzureStar my best friend...and I recently told another person this story as well, although for different reasons... And I guess I decided to post it here...because after reading the views that "Teacher" and "FunkyStrange" were voicing to CarrieLee on her "orgNotes" thread...how they both felt the need to find fault with how anyone decides to interact with anyone else...I just found myself tiring of the attitude often expressed that "this is just the internet", and that nothing "real" can be formed or gained from it...

I no longer underestimated the power of words, whether typed, spoken on the phone, or spoken face to face--or thru orgNotes...of how they can and do effect us, how they hold so much importance, no matter how they're delivered to us...that it's the time we freely and willingly give each other as people which is the most important thing we can give to one another, no matter how it is we share and give that time...that the respect, honesty, and concern we share with others comes thru loud and clear, even if they aren't able to hear our voices and see our faces...That what made Elisa a true, close, amazing friend to me was found in the fact that we shared all of these things...that they weren't contained to the physical...that our not meeting that one weekend while in San Francisco in reality did not matter one iota...I didn't even have the chance to talk to her on the phone because of her voice being taken away from her attacker's knife to her throat...everything I shared with her, was in written words and written words alone...

Just try and remember this...the next time you feel the need to diminish the ways in which people choose to talk to, and connect with, one another...and the next time you feel the need to "ridicule" someone because of it...

That's like the saddest story I ever read and I think it was cool of you to share it. It maybe opened my eyes a little bit and I'll leave it at that.

BTW how long did it take you to type out that post?

Thank you for sharing that with us. I read every word.

I just spent about 5 minutes contemplating what I wanted to say here, but I think your post explains itself. I am speechless. I guess, all I can say is that I hope this post gets the attention it deserves, because I think it's a lot more important that people read this, than some post about Prince's underwear.

Thankyou for sharing a beautiful and heartfelt story, I don't know how hard it would have been to relive it, but friends are very important and by the sound of it, you were a very special friend to Elisa and she truly felt your love for her.
Hopefully everyone can find a friend that they can share their thoughts and feelings honestly and without ridicule.
Thankyou again for sharing.

Wellbeyond, u are a beautiful man. Thank u so much for sharing that story. I too, believe that any form of interaction is just that, interaction, sharing.

I am very moved and I think you are a wonderful person.

Reading that made me cry
Thank you Wellbeyond, that was beautifully written. And so true every word.

oh man wellbeyond...kinda tugs at the heartstrings...very beautiful story...

I feel like I have stolen a part of your private life, like I´m not worth to know it.

Anyway, it is well written, and it´s something valuable nowadays, the days of don´t-care-about-words.

Thank you, Wellbeyond.

Thank you for sharing this experience wellbeyond!

Sad story...true, it's difficult to know where you stand sometimes with people online - & in your case, I'm sure it was frustrating knowing that you cared for this woman & could do nothing & that you found out that she cared for you too late.

Still, the idea that you would peep in the window at your little sister...

wow

The truth is internet friendships/relationships can be just as significant or more significant than relationships offline, depending on the circumstances and the people involved.

When people are real about themselves online, how can anyone infer or assume that the friendships they form are anything less than real and significant just because they are online... anyone who does just hasn't experienced the impact that these kind of friendships can have... as you said, the bonds people form online should not be underestimated, or deemed illusory and synthetic. Naturally some friendships online can be trivial and light hearted. but isn't that true of friendships offline aswell?

Internet friendships like friendships in the "real world" are of course not perfect, they can be flawed, and they have their limitations... but it is narrowminded to think just because the friendship may not be based on face to face interactions that it is any less valuable and worthy...
nothing could be further from the truth, as your experience so eloquently demonstrates...

Thank you Wellbeyond for sharing your story... I'm sure many people can relate to it in one way or another, through experiences of their own... the support and encouragement you evidently provided Elisa through such a difficult time in her life cannot be underestimated, and the impact of her life on yours was clearly profound.


People online and people offline can present themselves in many ways, some honest, and some false... but in the end it really does come down to the fact that many people do form extremely strong bonds with others online that are based on real emotions and feelings ... and to dimiss these bonds flippantly as if they are meaningless and neglible is simply ignorant... hopefully your story will bring the message home to those who are more skeptical about such friendships and relationships...

Thnxxx again Wellbeyond... I'm sure that is a part of your life you will never forget... and it is a story I won't soon be forgetting either... I suspect that is true of many who will read it.

(((Wellbeyond)))

I agree with you Diva.

I doubted at first that I could have real emotions about a person that I've never met, however, it comes down to trust for me.
[This message was edited Tue Aug 6 12:13:57 PDT 2002 by Therapy]

Thank you for sharing this. Your words really triggered some warm memories.

Thank you.

Thanks for sharing a very moving story Wellbeyond.

Diva, as always, wonderful.

Thanks for sharing that, Wellbeyond, sir.

I'd never really thought of the significance of chatting.

Sorry about your friend. Cancer sucks. My mother died of cancer in '97.

Thanks for sharing my eyes are red

Good Morning, Wellbeyond.

Nice to see you "sharing" such a profound and personal experience. Many can emotionally prosper from such a valuable mention. I honestly did, actually I am still in the process. (smile)

My recent sense of "connection" has changed my personal views and I profoundly value/appreciate each shed of new beautiful light and revelation that opens my heart even more.

You are beautiful, Wellbeyond.

Beautiful Day, always to you.

Thank you for sharing such a touching experience in life.
It just goes to show that we never know the power our words can have on others, good or bad. It's amazing to know one person can have a positive effect on another's life without ever meeting. And I'm glad you have plenty of good memories to reflect on when you think of your lil sis.

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond... ...and Diva, I agree with you...completely...

And good morning, Freespirit......I'm glad I was able to tell you about this before...and that you still can read it and find value in it... ...that means a lot to me...

beautiful post, wb. thank you for sharing it.

Diva said:

sang it, sister!

Wow! thankyou for sharing that.

Damn.

Man, I don't think I've ever read anything like that before. Thank you Wellbeyond for sharing that with us. We can never underestimate the power of friendship whether in person, on the phone or online. Thank you for showing me that. God Bless you.

Yeah made me think! Thanks for sharing dude!

wellbeyond said:

WOW!

Thanks for sharing your story with us Wellbeyond...Of all the orgers you are the one that truly comes to mind when ever I try to explain to friends why it's so fun and interesting to be a part of the Prince online community...friends don't understand that we talk about things beyond Prince...but anyway, thanks again for you story...

I thank you, too Wellbeyond.
I have also learned the power of the
written word thru the internet. I have
received much help and comfort here, yes
and even enduring friendships.
I also found a helper/friend/brother
whom I have grown to truly love.
My life has been touched in a positive way
by about 6 people I would not have known had it
not been for Prince.Org. They know who they are,
They are REAL to me and I am REAL to them,
...especially my coach.
Thank you all so much for being here when I need
you. You turn my to .

Sincerely,
SensualMelody

WOW WB thanks for sharing

Your story reminds me of a time when I had a crank caller I dubbed R.U. Horny.

He'd whisper "Are you horny?" instead of "hello".

I knew he was calling for phone sex but I would always make him tell me how he was and sometimes we'd just talk about his day or mine. Mostly I told him bedtime stories.

One time he whispered "What makes you think I'm sad?"
and I told him "Why else would you be talking to me?"
"You're beautiful," he replied.
"What good is beauty if it doesn't bring you what you want?"

I told him that he was the closes thing I had to a boyfriend and I didn't know if that was pathetic or peaceful. He told me I was the first person he'd think of when he was lost. And we had the most intimate conversation we'd ever had (and it was not about sex, really). I honestly can't say more because (it's private) I simply wanted to say that...

Sometimes the most unassuming relationships are the most intimate. Like talking to someone over the Internet you've never met, that veil of anonimity, it's the stuff of dreams.

And sometimes you hate that you ever woke up.
[This message was edited Sun Aug 4 15:36:25 PDT 2002 by dragonique]