Dear friends,

Today I have reached the lowest point of my life, I guess. My girlfriend told me this morning that our temporarily breakup that started about 6 weeks ago is final. One of the reasons (but certainly not the only one) is that she has met some other guy. The thing I feel most bad about is that we have a 3 year old daughter who is the joy of my life and who I want to grow up within a normal family structure.

First I’ll tell you my story: I met my girl almost 5 years ago and we fell in love completely. It was after a time that I had felt pretty bad about life and myself and felt kind of lost. I didn't know how to give my life direction. One night I went out and met Yvonne. Most of the nights I went out I was too drugged out to go after a girl, but that night I didn’t take any drugs. I felt like giving my life a new direction, I wanted to get rid of my loneliness and that empty feeling I had all the time. I had the guts to go after her and wasn’t even distracted by the fact that some other guy was trying to hit on her too. Anyway, at the end of the night we went to her place and our relation started.

The first few months were really heavy, we felt like we were two of a kind, had some mystical experiences an we bonded very strongly. When I was around 20 years old, I had been very interested in religion, philosophy, meditation and the faith of our planet and mankind, but I never found a way to give these things direction in my life. In fact, they kinda messed up my head and when I was around 25 years old, I unconciously chose to not think about these matters anymore, because it drove me crazy.

Yvonne was still very involved with all these thing I just mentioned and I hoped she would inspire me to once again get busy with them and give my life a positive direction. I thought maybe together we could make a difference. So we talked a lot about these matters and at the same time we worked on her anorexia/ boulymia, I tried my very best to get her back on the road. Especially when three months after we met it turned out that she was pregnant of me.

After one long night of talking we decided to keep the baby. Yvonne wanted to keep the baby anyway, with or without me, and I certainly didn’t want to force an abortion on her. I was very in love with Yvonne at that time and also the thought of forming a family was very attractive to me. I had grown tired of nightlife and drugs, and this pregnancy was an opportunity for me to get my life straight, find a decent job and settle down. I was hoping my spirit would find some rest this way. That night Yvonne glued a picture of herself in my organiser and wrote “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. If it’s not, it’s not…” underneath the picture.

I found a better job pretty soon and I came to live in her house. We were making things ready for the baby and we were working on Yvonne’s anorexia/ boulymia together with a therapist. After a few months things got better and better and the baby grew prosperously. We were still very happy at that period.

During the pregnancy I started to create some distance between me and my old druggie nightlife friends cause I didn’t want to do so much drugs anymore. The problem was that these friends were the only friends that I had, so not much people were left for me. After the baby was born they all paid me a visit but with most I noticed they didn’t know how to handle me in this new family situation. I also suspect that a lot of them didn’t like Yvonne, they thought she was suppressing me, which wasn’t true. She was very afraid that I would mess around with other girls, and that was another reason for me not to go out anymore. I just couldn’t enjoy it anymore, knowing that she would be crying at our house. Soon after the birth of my daughter I never heard again from almost all of my former friends. Once you don’t go out anymore on a regular basis you are soon forgotten…

About half a year after the baby was born Yvonne started complaining that she was missing something in our relationship: real contact. During the pregnancy I had subscribed to internet and pretty soon I was sitting behind my computer almost every night. I found out about Prince.org and my old love for his music (and other funk and soul music) was re-ignited after many years of just listening to dance music. If I wasn’t surfing or downloading, I was making music on the computer. Eventhough I seldom took any harddrugs anymore, I still smoked pot almost every night.

I was busy working daytime and Yvonne was busy with her study in the evenings. We didn’t spend a lot of time together. The times that we were meditating and talking about deep subjects became less and less frequent, we often were too tired and choose to just watch a video together or spend some time with our (her) friends. Yvonne tried to convince me to stop smoking pot, because she felt it made me unfocussed. In fact it did/does, because when I smoke I am perfectly happy with the situation I am in, I don’t have to talk to people anymore and I don’t feel like doing any housekeeping. Of course the latter became a great factor of irritation to Yvonne.

All this time Yvonne was having great problems with the relationship with her parents, and one day it all came out: she had been sexually abused by her father and mentally and physically by her mother. One night she called her parents to confront them and after that she fell into a psychose and was convinced her parents would kill us to cover things up, so we fled from our house which was the property of her parents.

The bad thing was that she felt like I didn’t understand what was going on inside of her and she couldn’t really talk to me about these matters. Instead she chose to talk to her lady friend and an old male friend she had known for a long time and who had major issues with his parents too. I felt really bad about that, because I wanted to be there for here, but she couldn’t open up to me. The problem for me was I didn’t really know how to help her. So I just let her go visit her friends to talk about her situationand stayed home looking after our child, smoking ever more pot and hoping that we would grow together again.

After a while it turned out that she had fallen in love with this old friend of hers. But this guy (whom I had known for a long time too) was decent enough to not grab his chances and told her that she was just messed up at that time and that starting a relation with him wouldn’t do her any good. I am still very grateful for his wise decision not to come in between of us. Later Yvonne came to the conclusion the guy was right and was happy that nothing ever happened.

Shortly after we bought a house and spend the first few weeks decorating the house and stuff. I was hoping we could make a new start. Yvonne still wasn’t satisfied with our relation and said to me again that she misses real contact. I knew she was right and off and on I quit smoking pot in an effort to be more aware of her and her needs but every time I started smoking again. In the meantime she started to see a spiritual therapist and started reading all kind of mystic selfhelp books, and stimulating me to do the same. But I just couldn’t…

Instead I fled into making even more music and do more web surfing, to the great displeasure of Yvonne. Every now and then during the last two years she said to me I had to change, otherwise our relation would come to an end. And actually six weeks ago she decided to break up our relation for a year so we could both get our stuff together and see if we could make the change. We kept on living in the same house because of money matters, our child and the hope we still had that everything would turn out fine in the end.

Last week she went to a spiritual weekend that made a big impression on her. She also met this goodlooking guy there who is into the same spiritual stuff like Yvonne. At the end of the weekend they came to our house together and this guy slept in our house for one night. Yvonne told me over and over again there was no sexual tension between them and that they were only good friends.

I had promised to clean up the house during the weekend she went away but I didn’t do my job properly. That was a big point to her, as she pointed out to me that this year of having no relation was the last chance for me get my things together and prove that I am a good man for her. So she took it as a big insult that once again I hadn’t taken my responsabilities and was really fed up with me.

Yesterday this guy from the spiritual weekend came over again and cooked dinner for us. Yvonne really wanted me to leave the house so they could meditate and she said she wouldn’t feel free with me being around. I went out of the house for a couple of hours, but I couldn’t reach any friends to go out with. I also wasn’t very in the mood and already afraid that this goodlooking spiritual guy would win Yvonne’s heart. So I went home and went to the sleeping room to make music and smoke pot.

This morning I woke up and when I went to get some coffee Yvonne came to me (while this guy was still in the living room) and said our relation has now officially ended and that I have messed up all the opportunities she gave me to change direction. Of course I asked her if “mr. goodlooking spiritual” has anything to do with this and guess what: it turns out that she has warm feelings for him.

After that she left with the guy and our daughter to go to the woods and asked me if I could please go away for the night because she can’t stand being around me at the moment, she is too pissed at me.

The bad thing is I still love her but I am not able to express it to her. I really want us to stay together and be a nice warm family for the benefit of our sweet daughter. But I am really afraid that it is too late now, especially since she met this guy who is totally on the same level as her. I WANT to change and give my life a better direction, but it seems I’m SO STUCK in my old patterns that I cannot break out. At this moment I feel totally lost, I don’t know who to turn to or what to do. The only thing I could come up with is write all this stuff down and ask you for some kind words and advice. Please tell me what to do to win Yvonne’s heart and my family back, I feel I will be lost if this doesn’t happen…

PS: this is no bad joke but a serious question!

I'm too young to know what love really means, all i can do is leave you a hug and tell you that things will end up good, maybe not like you want, but everything will be fine.

I sent you and orgnote, G.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Don't let the girl screw up your head. She's wonderful, but there's a million of them out there. You'll find one that smokes pot and doesn't force beliefs on you. They exist. I think there's one in California by the name of Vina. She's taken, but I bet she's got some hotttie friends.

I kid.

Go read the org note and take care of yourself and the baby.

funk, I feel for you, man - I really do. The last two months have sucked for me as well (work, music partnership, etc.), but I suggest you use this as motivation. I felt so shitty that I wanted to crawl into a hole. I went to work, came home and layed around. However, once I wrote a letter to myself and my woman I started to feel better. I also started about four songs (for the first time since...), maybe more, and had ideas for a new job and a movie script. (I hope nobody is laughing at me) And I agree with Otan - you guys seemed like you were doomed from the start and the only thing that held you together was the kid. There's ladies out there that will encourage your creativity (weed smoking, too, I guess) and treat you right. You could probably just order one from the Phillipines - that's a joke for ya, laugh! Let this experience enhance your creativity and motivate you - let her go into her wigwam or wherever. Good luck, dude.

man my friend, i am gona print this and read and let ya know! Keep your head up! Much Love

Man, Im sorry to hear about this.I have smoked alot & lately I have pretty much quit.I have been use to driving around & sitting at home for a year.
Now Im walking alot & smoking maybe once a week.All the walking is getting alot of oxygen to my brain & Its like im on a natural high.My advice to you is get out & walk/network everyday.Get involved with some street promotions & hit the streets.Its a great way to meet people.
As far as getting back together with her, forget about it.Just keep a close relationship with your kid.Thats all thats important.

Geoffrey!

I'm going to have to write a long email to you but let me just say this: She isn't perfect, ok? She isn't being fair to you. She has problems (anorexia, bulemia, sexual abuse, etc) and you did your best to help her through that. How could she NOT love you for that? That is a beautiful and amazing thing. You are a beautiful and amazing person. Please don't forget that, ok?

I really wish I could come over and give you a big hug.

VinaBlue said:

Thanks Vina for including the positive in all this. I'm reading all the guys commments - "she's not for you... blah blah" but you're absolutely right - Funky you are a wonderful person for doing everything you did for her. Try not to beat yourself up over this.

Hey funky i sent you a few orgnotes but make whatever you will of them...no matter how firmly I believe my philosophies work for everybody we all have our own way of dealing with things. The common ground though tends to be positive, forward propulsion...

Many great points expressed here that I totally agree with. You have written to us with strength, sincerity, and from the heart, and just from that fact I reckon you have what it'll take to get through this.

My friend,look inside your own heart and realize that this is your moment to focus on the things that make you truly happy.Now u can write the best hitmaking music of your life. 'I'm never gonna make u hate myself again' is a classic and profound statement that Beau has made with your music. Use that as your mantra 2 be a better man and not allow anyone 2 mess up your flow. Shake it off...all of the drama. That story sounds like a Lifetime movie. She needs time to find out who she is and 2 battle all of her childhood demons. Those demons in your lives could easily cause mass destruction in both of your lives. Get centered with your positive energies inside off u and take care off your child. Do not let anyone separate u from that little precious one. Hang in there my funky friend.

Ahhh my darlin Funkboy...LIFE is tough motoring for one, nevermind two or three. LOVE NEVER FAILS; we always take something + away from it. As they say...no pain / no gain. It's OK to ALLOW yourself to FEEL IT. Shows U how much alive U really are...doesn't it? Shows U the heart's requirement of Love and the heart's requirement to Love.

And when the other half points out shortcomings, be vulnerable, NOT insulted, for those comments too are coming from honest hurt; and not always caused by U. U already know WHY it didn't work. Life lesson. And U received one of Love's most precious gifts. A beautiful daughter, who is no doubt, feeling her own pain thru this; children are sponges for our emotions and sometimes we forget this. NOW is the time to TEACH her your lesson of LOVE and show your undying love for her - no matter what.

Fucked up life? No! Setback maybe...but not necessarily so. Put it into perspective and use it as a pathway to rejuvenation. Tal's right. Take that hurt and all your LOVE and make something out of it. Many a masterpiece has come from hurt. Maybe take that gorgeous child of yours into your studio, share the pain, share the love. Record something...really funky - for posterity.

FUNKBABY - compose the pieces of your life, and make them flow as harmoniously as your music.

UBOK
xx

.
[This message was edited Tue Dec 16 3:24:17 PST 2003 by hectim]

Geoffrey, I have known you on here for a little while, and from all that I know, you are a good guy. I went through a similar situation with my ex-wife when we split up. I wasn't smoking pot, but I was busy thinking in my own head and being too self oriented. Although, my ex-wife was not doing her part in the marriage either. My ex also led me to believe in the late stages of our relationship that we would be better, then she dropped a bombshell and said that she didn't want to be together. So, she played my mind like a roller coaster. Plus, me and my ex have a child together, which made matters even harder for me, because I love him so much.

All I can tell you is that if you really want to try to get her to rethink her decision, stop doing everything that she is upset with you about, and see if she wants to go into relationship counselling together with you. If she accepts, then she is willing. If not, I would keep trying, and whether you pray or meditate, I would pray to your God every time you get the chance, and ask that God's will be done in your life. If I had agreed to counselling earlier in my first marriage, we might have stayed together. But, just 8 months after my first marriage ended, I had met a very wonderful woman that I am very happy with and now married to and have a beautiful child with.

You will find love again, and I hope that you and your girlfriend can stay together- especially for your daughter. But, if not, just be sure to always be in communication with your daughter. I promise, love will always be with you, and I will pray for you and your family. You can call me on the phone if you need to talk, I am always here for you. 618-924-2834 (United States)


Your friend,
Jason

First of all: thanks people for all your kind words and understanding, this makes me feel so much better!

Some of you have been very worried about me because the lack of replies but that is because yesterday I didn't have time to answer them, I could only read them quickly before moving to my father's place where I will be living for a while. Unfortunately he doesn't have a PC nor internet connection, so I can't be online as much as I used to. The coming period I will only have internet access at work, and of course over there I cannot spend too much time surfing the internet. Maybe this is for the better, because my computer habits were a little too much anyway!

I don't have much time to answer you all personally at this moment because I have been absent from work for almost two weeks and work has piled up. Whenever I get the time and the chance I will share my thoughts on all the comments you've made.

There is one thing that I want to say right now anyway: I want you all to know that my ex-girlfriend certainly is not a bad or twisted person, she just had a lot of problems and she is really working hard to solve them. She is certainly not a bitch or a cold person, I am very sure that she has had all the best intentions with me, but she couldn't get through to me anymore. And now she is tired of me like I got tired of her earlier.

All 'n' all we are both good people with the best intentions but we seem to have lost connection somehow. I was strong when she was weak and now she is strong and I am weak. I just find it terribly difficult to accept that two people who could have had everything just couldn't make it together. It will be very hard for me to accept that but that's just the way thing have gone.

I wish I would have woken up earlier, so all this could be undone. But as Yvonne told me yesterday: my happiness is totally depending on myself. What I'm gonna do is try to face the pain and fears that live within me and that I have ignored for too long a time while drugging my mind with pot, excessive internetting and music. The time has come for me to fight these negative powers and become a really strong person: MY TRUE SELF.

Thanks for all your advice and kind words, I'll get back to you as soon as possible. I love you all, you are a wonderful group of people!!!

U guys seemed like u were married! If she goes off in2 the distance now w/ this "guy" of hers, she will be RUNNIN back with excuses as to why she left and the best thing 4 u 2 do is shoew her that u got your act together the most, and that's when u'll be hearing the phone calls of how much she loves u and how much she cares about u. Like u said, get ur self up, and she'll b stalkin yas.

Funk,

I'm a little late to this (I've not been around) but from what I've gathered, here are a couple of immediate thoughts for you.

Communication is the staple of every healthy relationship. While it sounds cliche, it's just a fact. Any time you go into your music/pot mode, you shut her out. Women need to talk and sometimes it takes effort to get them to open up but make the effort.

If she just wants to jump to someone else without putting in the work on your relationship then she's setting herself up for disappointment. All relationships have hurdles and require work, your relationship has a little more reason (your daughter).

You both sound like people I would surround myself with, just don't forget you need to work on making a relationship work. Sometimes, it takes more work than other times but it taks WORK. Everyone has issues and everyone goes through bad moods, communicate and understand when it's not a good time to talk.

I seriously hope both of you work it out, if not for each other, at least your daughter.

Love stinks. Hope things go well for you. Someting buetiful did come of your relationship w/ her, and like she said, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, if it isn't, it isn't. My advice, be yourself. You seem like a smart dude, and you'll figure out what you need to do. Your music rocks, stay strong, keep writing.

zach
burly
www.soundclick.com/burlyus
www.mp3.com/burlyhq

You won't want to hear this, but stop smoking pot, for good, first of all. It's obviously not working for you.

There are a billion reasons for this, but mainly, it is an addictive substance that will not help you in any way shape or form deal with your problems. Only complete good health will do that.

Seek professional help from a psychologist or therapist. You say she fell into a "psychoses"...I assume you mean psychosis. Well how can you be sure of that? If it is true, she definitely needed/needs to see a psychiatrist or psychologist. I can speak from experience. Psychosis is a serious health issue and may have been a main factor in your break up. Also in some individuals, pot can trigger schizoaffective disorders (psychosis). Again, I speak from experience. I smoked pot and cigarettes and did all mannner of other drugs from the age of 14 to 21. It did me no good and I can see that it is not helping you at all.

Other than that, good luck...the above is the best advice I can give you from what I've read of your problems. If you want this girl's respect, you need to clean yourself up a bit. You'll respect yourself a lot too and you might even find that your playing and music gets better (not that it's bad or anything now - I haven't heard it anyway).

She left you because you neglected the time you could be spending with her as a result of your addictions. It seems these were the internet and pot. Addiction is a killer of relationships, because it puts a barrier between yourself and others until you neglect them and everything else in favour of your habits. Not to mention the fact that pot is a killer from a carcinogenic pespective if you're smoking it (more tar than cigarettes).

Bottom line is, your true self and well-being is being dulled and inhibited by your addictions, therefore you will never have the power to tackle these things easily while you're still addicted.

Orgnote me if you want any further explantions/help. Good luck, buddy.



.
[This message was edited Mon Oct 13 19:38:00 PDT 2003 by mrdespues]

mrdespues said:

i agree 100%

i'd give N.A a shot... people can relate
good luck


.
[This message was edited Tue Oct 14 3:28:08 PDT 2003 by MrBliss]

mrdespues said:

Thats bullshit!

funkaholic1972 said:

Funk, I hope things turn out alright for you.

cloud9mission said:

like i said, it's not what an advocate of pot wants to hear, but it IS terribly addictive. I have had many friends who have become addicted and still can't get off the stuff...I was such a person myself for many years.

It took me a long time to realise how addictive it can be.

Now I write a newsletter for a hospital and there is a lot of research that has concluded its addictive and destructive qualities. So argue with that. I can provide you with documentation if you need it.

It's not addictive! I been smoking it for years. I ain't hooked.

ha. I kid.

Pot is destructive - two of my best friends from childhood have pissed their life away on the kind bud. They're still great friends, but I just wonder what they would do if they smoked it HALF as much.

It removes your drive - your motivation. I would DEFINITELY recommend that you recognize weed as a recreation, and not a requirement, in life.

everything in moderation I always say. Now, where'd I put my paint thinner...

It's not physically addictive, it's psychologically addictive. I was smoking everyday for about 3 weeks, then I got sick with a bronchial infection and guess what? I haven't smoked since! On the other hand, my father has diabetes and has been instructed to stop drinking alcohol and take his medication... guess what? Everyday he makes a decision, should I take my medication or have a drink? Usually he goes for the drink. Hmmm.

Anywho, I agree with moderation. But if someone is "addicted" to pot, they have other issues they need to deal with, emotional/mental ones. I'm not saying Geoffrey is addicted, but smoking everyday could mean that you are avoiding something...

For me, it's bad to smoke it everyday for more than a week. It's just as bad as caffeine and sugar for me. I have to cut down otherwise I get really tired all the time and emotional.

VinaBlue said:

ADDICTION is ADDICTION. doesn't matter if its physical or otherwise...

my experience with pot was that the first couple of years doing it on and off were ok...but when it became habitual and i became reliant on it to get any pleasure out of things...it became evil.

too many people piss their life away on it cause they think its cool and harmless. it's neither, in my opinion and it often does lead to other harder drugs.

sure, some people handle it better, but they're kidding themselves if they think they're as healthy and sharp as a non-user. pot builds up fat in the brain over time and the signals take longer to transmit the longer you use it...hence many user's inability to hold down jobs and relationships, let alone interesting or intelligent conversations.

it also takes place of the brains natural reward system, which means, like any addiction, if you don't keep using it, you'll get depressed.

it's a load of crap in my book, but then I don't do any drugs now, except my prescription medication, coffee and the odd drink. I used to do everything a few years ago and I smoked like a chimney...I don't smoke either now, thank god. I guess it depends where you're at in life....

...they say that everyone is exactly where they need to be


...i think that's true.

.

.
[This message was edited Wed Oct 15 0:15:43 PDT 2003 by mrdespues]
[This message was edited Wed Oct 15 0:18:21 PDT 2003 by mrdespues]

cloud9mission said:

Hey Lewis, I'm not sure what you are saying is bullshit but I'm guessing it's about it being an addictive substance.

It is addictive for some people, whether that be for physical reasons or because they are self-medicating for other issues. I don't know funkaholic1972 and I'm not commenting on his situation. But I do know friends, one close one in particular who are addicted and have been for years. It's a really upsetting thing to know someone as a kid who has so much promise and then to know them later in life as someone who doesn't really do much other than smoke.

This guy started smoking with myself and others when we were teenagers. I feel really bad about this because if I had of understood the addictive possibilities and that I could be potentially introducing someone to years of problems I wouldn't have been part of it. And now there isn't much I can do to help the guy out until he actually wants to be helped.
[This message was edited Wed Oct 15 0:56:38 PDT 2003 by toccata]

In my opinion and experience, the REAL addiction is the addiction to ignoring what's going in your life and your mind. You can use pot, alcohol, cocaine, watching tv, work, some forms of meditation, pretty much anything to achieve that.
[This message was edited Wed Oct 15 1:09:42 PDT 2003 by hectim]

hectim said:

:CLAP:

mrdespues said:

Ok, this is getting too funny now.

Yes, cannabis (can only sometimes) be addictive (psychologically), no cannabis doesn't 'increase fat in the brain'. THC IS fat soluble so it tends to accumulate in fat (not indefinitely though). No, the accumulation itself has no effect whatsoever on neurotransmission...it's more the fact that THC binds (and activates) specific receptors in the brain... Yes, it involves the brains dopamine reward system, as does eating a burger, or squeezing a zit. But dependence seems to be directly linked to the environment rather than the brains chemical need. Get a bunch of monkeys, teach them to inject THC, their tolerance builds up (really quickly compared to other drugs)...they need more to get the same effect. Just like proper upright folks. Now remove their dose. Only very few examples have shown withdrawal symptoms, and that's likely linked to the fact that those monkeys were psychologically unfit enough to live in a tiny cage in the first place, with or without THC. Same is likely in us but there's always arguement because it's all subject, and as with monkeys, each folk is different. But both monkey injectors and neuropsychologists (I think) would agree that relationships between environmental pressures and preceding psychological factors are what lends towards the 'appearance' of addiction. Hence the term 'psychological' addiction, which by definition, is going to be different for each and everyone of us.

It's out of order to slam someone with accusations of 'addiction' with out proper examination, based on your own (again, subjective) experience. I also think it's not the best tactics in the world, when you lecture someone for something that they have already expressed in very clear personal text a complete awareness for, and not only that, are also totally aware of their own 'deep underlying' turmoils/problems/whatever that are the ultimate roots of the whole thing.


[This message was edited Wed Oct 15 4:23:23 PDT 2003 by MaggotBrain]

MaggotBrain said:

And just who do you think YOU are?

I never slammed anyone.

I make no accusations.

I made a reasonably informed presumption that he appears to be an addictive type.

That is all.

I slammed pot. That is all.

And really, however you'd like to go into detail about what it does to your brain, the bottom line is, it's fine for a little while, but in the long run, it depletes you mentally; like any psychedelic, in the short term it may enhance some things, but in the long run it just dissolves the mind.

yourself.

.
[This message was edited Wed Oct 15 5:41:37 PDT 2003 by mrdespues]