Just as well i know how to do it i'd be a basket case for sure now otherwise. Just to say i'm not gone yet, i will be now i've unhooked from here. The reason, i was quite happy to keep it like it is. Only i have this family i haven't met and then there is that and oh dear i feel uncertain and disconcerted everyday. The silence is filled with the sound of the fridge and the occassional car swishing by. If i didn't make the effort i wouldn't speak to or see anyone from one fortnights end to the next. It's not like i'm leaving a great life behind here. It's been a waste of 48 years to be honest from my Spirits point of view. I mean really God is this all there is. Check me out now i've had it. I haven't made any of the running but i seem to have made all the running. I'm just a keen observor and i've seen enough. I don't like the idea of being homeless but i don't like the idea of being in the care of those that don't have any emotional investment in my happiness either. The forms for the citizenship came back i had printed and paid for the wrong forms to be printed. So happy to have paid more into the government/council coffers. So sorry to not have happier news. Whilst i have learnt to b grateful for all i have and i don't expect anything i'm trying to just be optimistic. It wears thin every August 1st. The anniversary of my son's death. I don't like to mark it but i go into a real downer about now and all through August because both sons were born in August and one of them is dead. I'd like to be happy but i didn't save my son's life so i somehow don't feel entitled to be happy. Never mind that it's fatal i didn't save him. That's all. So every tear that falls is just one more i shed for the loss. Phone still engaged. I pick the wrong time to phone. I'm so wary of adding anyone to my life i don't want to phone anyone else to ask for the number either. I've got one number, i just don't want to talk to anyone else. I feel like some loopy fan but not. I don't have any social skills to speak of. I'm clever in some things and oh for God's sake, i can't be bothered in others. Social life what's that? Get real, too much effort for very little pleasure. I don't know what a life is i've never indulged in one, too busy learning to think 21st century. I'm bored in social gatherings after about 5 minutes, 10 if i'm lucky.So nothing has changed, there it went again, shape shifting, keep moving this page. U know i don't want to be here i want to be there. I just have to take the long way round or i might die. Tell him to stop putting me off me smoko too. I'll take a sleeping pill see how he likes that. Can't get in then aye?! The hands are the give away. I know when he's come into my body my hands feel extremely let's just say, electric. Stop it. He's naughty. Ok maybe that's just with me. Stop it, i can't type if i'm cracking up. Ah well, who said i had to share this. Why is it i can break down at the drop of a hat these days, happy or sad, just leaks anytime they want they does. I mean i don't mind the feeling of utter abject misery but hey God, ease up old Thing, it dehydrates me. Oh i like that one. I'm hooked on the twittersphere now it's more immediate gratification. Ok well, more immediate. He gives me a hard time. I like it. Shut up don't tell him. It's much better for us. It's direct and i like it. Beside noone else gets a look in. This i will come back to when it's limited in it's distribution. I like looking at everything from many perspectives and short texts do that, sharpens the view point. So now to u all in deep gratitude for this grant Infinite and eternal Peace, Joy and Love, take care, God Bless and Be Well.xxxxx