I'm a highschool student and I'm planning on submitting a set of poems based off/inspired by Prince songs/lyrics to my school's newspaper under *just so the other potential Prince nerds like me can have a good laugh* the alias Tora Tora. I was wondering if someone would be willing to read what I have so far and give me some feedback, though I'd appreciate if you weren't rude about it. I was thinking that I would make the poems have a loose plot that is resolved by the final issue of the paper *its published once a week so I'll keep submitting one poem a week until the plot is resolved*.

At any rate, I'd love the feedback!

Rave Until Your Joy's Fantastic:

Throw your arms into the fire

and Rave Until Your Joy's Fantastic.

Cut the situations red wire

and stop acting oh so bombastic.

Let's make our world have no more liars,

human nature is quite elastic.

Let's just have fun and act like minors,

let's Rave Until Our Joy's Fantastic.

So in this next one I don't know if I wanna split it into two seperate poems but the way I originally wrote it in a class one day was one stanza has one structure and talks about the subject positively then the next stanza has a different structure and is more paranoid or negative. It's just an idea I was throwing around when I was board in class.

Dream Factory:

Don't get too serious,

Live out all your dreams.

Don't get delerious,

You love our scheme of things.

Factory keeps their grip

They make dreams to puzzle

Lifes numbers on a list

Their dreams cause trouble

real life is in a crypt

Don't get too furious

there's no cause to scream

don't go live fearing us

we make life far from mean

They make you wanna hit

doubters in a huddle

don't let them make a fist

and make the truth muffled.

they control you from the mist

This is your life made in the Dream Factory.

I'm pretty bad when it comes to writing, and I think it shows but this is something I wanna try out so I'd love feedback.

Nivivrus said:

I'm a highschool student and I'm planning on submitting a set of poems based off/inspired by Prince songs/lyrics to my school's newspaper under *just so the other potential Prince nerds like me can have a good laugh* the alias Tora Tora. I was wondering if someone would be willing to read what I have so far and give me some feedback, though I'd appreciate if you weren't rude about it. I was thinking that I would make the poems have a loose plot that is resolved by the final issue of the paper *its published once a week so I'll keep submitting one poem a week until the plot is resolved*.

At any rate, I'd love the feedback!

Rave Until Your Joy's Fantastic:

Throw your arms into the fire

and Rave Until Your Joy's Fantastic.

Cut the situations red wire

and stop acting oh so bombastic.

Let's make our world have no more liars,

human nature is quite elastic.

Let's just have fun and act like minors,

let's Rave Until Our Joy's Fantastic.

So in this next one I don't know if I wanna split it into two seperate poems but the way I originally wrote it in a class one day was one stanza has one structure and talks about the subject positively then the next stanza has a different structure and is more paranoid or negative. It's just an idea I was throwing around when I was board in class.

Dream Factory:

Don't get too serious,

Live out all your dreams.

Don't get delerious,

You love our scheme of things.

Factory keeps their grip

They make dreams to puzzle

Lifes numbers on a list

Their dreams cause trouble

real life is in a crypt

Don't get too furious

there's no cause to scream

don't go live fearing us

we make life far from mean

They make you wanna hit

doubters in a huddle

don't let them make a fist

and make the truth muffled.

they control you from the mist

This is your life made in the Dream Factory.

I'm pretty bad when it comes to writing, and I think it shows but this is something I wanna try out so I'd love feedback.

Hey, more power to you! I used to write poetry and short stories for my highs chool lit magazine and I'm glad to know some schools still have a creative outlet. I even still put out poetry on this forum once in a while, whether it is good or bad. LOL

I think your first poem works better than the second one.

In the second one--these notes:

Dream Factory:

Don't get too serious,

Live out all your dreams.

Don't get delerious,--too delirious

You love our scheme of things.

Factory keeps their grip --Maybe this: Factory keeps its grip

They make dreams to puzzle--Makes dreams like a puzzle

Lifes numbers on a list--Life's numbers on a list

Their dreams cause trouble--Its dreams cause trouble

real life is in a crypt--Real life is in a cyrpt (Be consistent--if you start out capitalizing the first word keep doing it.)

Don't get too furious

there's no cause to scream

don't go live fearing us--Maybe? Don't live life fearing us

we make life far from mean

They make you wanna hit--Specify who "they" is

doubters in a huddle

don't let them make a fist

and make the truth muffled. --no period here

they control you from the mist--maybe, those who control you from the mist

This is your life made in the Dream Factory.--maybe, This is your life manufactured in the Dream Factory

Just a couple of suggestions! But, your poem is your own! Good luck, and keep writing!

purplethunder3121 said:

Nivivrus said:

I'm a highschool student and I'm planning on submitting a set of poems based off/inspired by Prince songs/lyrics to my school's newspaper under *just so the other potential Prince nerds like me can have a good laugh* the alias Tora Tora. I was wondering if someone would be willing to read what I have so far and give me some feedback, though I'd appreciate if you weren't rude about it. I was thinking that I would make the poems have a loose plot that is resolved by the final issue of the paper *its published once a week so I'll keep submitting one poem a week until the plot is resolved*.

At any rate, I'd love the feedback!

Rave Until Your Joy's Fantastic:

Throw your arms into the fire

and Rave Until Your Joy's Fantastic.

Cut the situations red wire

and stop acting oh so bombastic.

Let's make our world have no more liars,

human nature is quite elastic.

Let's just have fun and act like minors,

let's Rave Until Our Joy's Fantastic.

So in this next one I don't know if I wanna split it into two seperate poems but the way I originally wrote it in a class one day was one stanza has one structure and talks about the subject positively then the next stanza has a different structure and is more paranoid or negative. It's just an idea I was throwing around when I was board in class.

Dream Factory:

Don't get too serious,

Live out all your dreams.

Don't get delerious,

You love our scheme of things.

Factory keeps their grip

They make dreams to puzzle

Lifes numbers on a list

Their dreams cause trouble

real life is in a crypt

Don't get too furious

there's no cause to scream

don't go live fearing us

we make life far from mean

They make you wanna hit

doubters in a huddle

don't let them make a fist

and make the truth muffled.

they control you from the mist

This is your life made in the Dream Factory.

I'm pretty bad when it comes to writing, and I think it shows but this is something I wanna try out so I'd love feedback.

Hey, more power to you! I used to write poetry and short stories for my highs chool lit magazine and I'm glad to know some schools still have a creative outlet. I even still put out poetry on this forum once in a while, whether it is good or bad. LOL

I think your first poem works better than the second one.

In the second one--these notes:

Dream Factory:

Don't get too serious,

Live out all your dreams.

Don't get delerious,--too delirious

You love our scheme of things.

Factory keeps their grip --Maybe this: Factory keeps its grip

They make dreams to puzzle--Makes dreams like a puzzle

Lifes numbers on a list--Life's numbers on a list

Their dreams cause trouble--Its dreams cause trouble

real life is in a crypt--Real life is in a cyrpt (Be consistent--if you start out capitalizing the first word keep doing it.)

Don't get too furious

there's no cause to scream

don't go live fearing us--Maybe? Don't live life fearing us

we make life far from mean

They make you wanna hit--Specify who "they" is

doubters in a huddle

don't let them make a fist

and make the truth muffled. --no period here

they control you from the mist--maybe, those who control you from the mist

This is your life made in the Dream Factory.--maybe, This is your life manufactured in the Dream Factory

Just a couple of suggestions! But, your poem is your own! Good luck, and keep writing!

Thanks for the feedback! The main reason the second one didn't really make that much sense from a literary stand point is I tried to maintain 6 syllables per line but I think I'm going to take your advice on it. I'd love to read some of your stuff if you'll post it

Nivivrus said:

purplethunder3121 said:

Hey, more power to you! I used to write poetry and short stories for my highs chool lit magazine and I'm glad to know some schools still have a creative outlet. I even still put out poetry on this forum once in a while, whether it is good or bad. LOL

I think your first poem works better than the second one.

In the second one--these notes:

Dream Factory:

Don't get too serious,

Live out all your dreams.

Don't get delerious,--too delirious

You love our scheme of things.

Factory keeps their grip --Maybe this: Factory keeps its grip

They make dreams to puzzle--Makes dreams like a puzzle

Lifes numbers on a list--Life's numbers on a list

Their dreams cause trouble--Its dreams cause trouble

real life is in a crypt--Real life is in a cyrpt (Be consistent--if you start out capitalizing the first word keep doing it.)

Don't get too furious

there's no cause to scream

don't go live fearing us--Maybe? Don't live life fearing us

we make life far from mean

They make you wanna hit--Specify who "they" is

doubters in a huddle

don't let them make a fist

and make the truth muffled. --no period here

they control you from the mist--maybe, those who control you from the mist

This is your life made in the Dream Factory.--maybe, This is your life manufactured in the Dream Factory

Just a couple of suggestions! But, your poem is your own! Good luck, and keep writing!

Thanks for the feedback! The main reason the second one didn't really make that much sense from a literary stand point is I tried to maintain 6 syllables per line but I think I'm going to take your advice on it. I'd love to read some of your stuff if you'll post it

You are welcome, if any of my suggestions helped. As far as my stuff goes--I still see one on here called "Inner Man" at the bottom of this forum. Catch it before it disappears!