[Edited 5/30/10 16:04pm]

[Edited 6/1/10 13:02pm]

why are you making it so difficult.

http://www.dreamfirstborn...agt2-1.mp3

http://www.dreamfirstborn...drive2.mp3

what next?

-Madison,

within this loveletter

ANDROGYNINE Says i can't go back in to the play room unless i write a paper on what it is like to be hungry in Minneapolis...

so here Androgynine here is your paper.... Now Give me back the KEYS, because i am hungry!

Hungry In Minneapolis

A couple of weeks ago, after not eating anything of real substance for about a week, I had begun to feel the need to heed the advice given to me by a few friends. They each had told me to go down to the welfare department and apply for food stamps. My first response was, NO WAY. I am a young man who is healthy and strong. There is no reason why I can’t go out, find a job and take care of myself, the way I always have. While in New York City I had developed great survival skills.

So from there, I went out every day for 2-3 weeks, eager to take on a part-time job with anyone who would offer on to me. After those 2-3 weeks of looking and not being able to find a job, I stopped looking. It wasn’t because I was lazy or giving up, it was because I began noticing how all the rejection I was getting was having an effect on my studies. It’s hard to be very creative when you feel like a loser. Let me tell you, the depression from not getting a job at Applebee’s as a server, knowing good and well that I am probably one of the best servers to ever walk into that place, can make a person go on a downward spiral. I have been on the ride before and at that moment that is one scenic route I was out to avoid. I would concentrate solely on my studies.

After a few more days of sparse eating go by, I started to realize how serious not eating at least one proper meal a day was becoming the dominate influence on my daily rituals. Not only did it dawn on me that I was starting to feel physically weak, I also started to feel the effects on my mental and emotional stability. I couldn’t concentrate on what I was doing. I found myself just sitting in front of the computer, staring at the monitor for long periods of time, not thinking of anything. It was kind of like being in a trance. I would snap out of it every so often only to remember just how hungry I was. I tried to shake it off and return back to my studies, but this would only last a few minutes and I would repeat the cycle over and over again until I just gave up and went home.

While in class I would find myself thinking about food, not the food I was going to eat when I got home, because there wasn’t any, I was thinking about the various foods I had eaten in the past. I fantasized about the Pork on Fire dish I enjoyed at my favorite Thai restaurant, Rhong Tiam. It was in my computer applications class where I would think about how the diced pieces of pork was prepared in an authentic wok, cooked until it was oh so crispy on the outside, while tender and juicy on the inside. I thought about how the fresh garden vegetables, the basil leaves, the sesame seeds, the spices and the hot peppers were all tossed in at the right time. Nothing was neither over cook nor under cooked. Everything was prepared just right. I remembered how those red chilli peppers that were so hot that with every bite, beads of sweat would ooze from my forehead just to bring my temperature down. I was hallucinating and this it startled me, snapping me out of the trance soaking wet in an air conditioned room, to embarrass to participate in the class activities all because my weakness was now exposed for everyone to witness. This made me angry, not because I was vulnerable in front of my peers, but because, I was hungry and what little energy I had left was now about gone, burnt up while day dreaming of something I had eaten 2 ½ months ago. What a waste.

I soon felt those invisible walls, that I surround myself with for protection, begin to come crashing down. I had to think fast and outside of the box. At this point I was becoming delirious and now involved in a full two way conversation consisting of me and the voice of myself. After a few moments of listening to me wine about how hungry I was, how much I hated school, how nobody loved me, and how the world was coming to an end, I had hit bottom as I started rambling on about what Prince was eating then at that very moment and how I would be so blessed, just to eat his table scraps.

The voice of myself had had enough and stopped me dead in my tracks saying, “dude take a breath and calm down”

I stopped talking and started to listen.

The voice of myself continued, “there is no reason for you to suffer like this. You are making yourself insane. If you keep this up you are going to scare the others, and for what? Your pride?”

I stood there listening to my voice of reason, both socked and hurt by this. I was the one allowing myself to suffer this way. I was the one who was jeopardizing the investment I made into myself coming here to A.I. Yes it was because of pride, a storm that was created to wreak havoc on my physical, emotional, and mental state of well being.

The voice of myself offering up a final solution to the situation, finally said, “just take a shot of the good stuff from the top shelf. Trust me man, the chaser will be well worth the burn.” Then the voice was gone. I stood there for a moment contemplating and then I was fully awaken by the burning sensation caused by the amount of pride it took, to slid down my throat down into the pits of my stomach. Chalk one up for the kid.

It’s funny how clear you think when you accept certain truths about yourself. From that moment on I knew exactly what to do. I pulled out my trusty dream machine, a cell phone to others, and I did a google search on how to get food stamps in Minneapolis. I found the number and called it. Thelma, the county clerk’s phone receptionist, told me where the county office was and told me to bring the proper identification. She also suggested to me that I get there before noon; otherwise I might have to wait until after the weekend.

I didn’t have everything that was required. I needed proof of my social security number and proof of my living address. I was too far away from home to go and retrieve it so I went up stairs to the registration office here at ANDROGYNINE'S LAIR. I asked the receptionist if it was possible for me to get a copy of my financial aid and a list of the classes I was currently enrolled in, on the school stationary. She said that it was something she could get me and it only took a few minutes for her to return with what I needed. Now with all my proper documentation in hand, I was on my way.

I didn’t realize how far it was from the school’s location, not really that far, but because it was so hot that day, the distance seemed to be twice as far as I expected. It was so hot, with the sun was baking down on me, I felt as if I were a turkey, roasting in an oven. It was so intense that whatever boost of energy I had was fading fast. I started sweating and by the time I had reached the final 4 blocks to my destination I began to feel light headed. I was not going to pass out right then and there on the street. I was starting to panic so, I took a moment to balance myself out, then continued on to finish the final four blocks of my journey.

Once I got to the county office, the first thing I did was find the restroom. I went inside to clean myself up and cool off. At the sink I splashed water on my face and tried to rinse off as much of the street grim and sweat as I possibly could. Then I made a cup with my hands and drank enough water until my stomach was full enough to be satisfied for the time being. As I stood there looking at myself in the mirror, I could feel the hunger pains coming back, and I thought about all the parts of me I was having to give up just to be a student at A.I. and this experience was definitely heading straight to the top of that list, and I wondered, was it worth it?. I took a few more minutes to get my composure together and I was ready to take on this challenge.

As I came out of the restroom I took a quick glance over the lobby. I was looking for someone who could point me in the right direction. Everyone seemed to be busy with one thing or another, assisting clients, answering phones, filing papers, basically just doing their jobs. I saw a woman hang up her phone and I made a bee line straight for her. As she saw me coming in her direction, she looked away fast. She wasn’t getting away that easy, I thought to myself. I walked right up to her window and with the most polite voice I could muster up I said to her, “excuse me ma’am, can you please tell me where I have to go in order to apply for food stamps?” She looked as if she was annoyed by my intrusion, the kind of look that people give beggars on the street when they don’t want to be bothered. She didn’t even look me in the face. She just spoke under her breath saying “go to the 3^rd floor and follow the hall with the green walls.” I said thank you to her and followed her directions. The further away from her I got the more I could feel my teeth biting down on my tongue. I was thinking to myself, “I didn’t swallow all my damn pride, acknowledge me woman.” I was getting irritated and distracted from my mission and I had to let go of being uncomfortable with her reaction to my very brief moment in her life. Just get to the elevator and this scene will be over, I thought. And that’s exactly what I did.

On my way up to the third floor my thoughts began to change. I began to think about all of the food I was going to buy. I began envisioning myself at Lund’s walking through the isle’s reading the labels on can goods, looking at the different kinds of yogurts in the dairy section, all the while pushing a very full basket of groceries. I began to make a list of all the different foods I was going to buy. Nothing but healthiest of foods, lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, fresh baked bread with nuts and grains, milk, deli meats, cheese, avocados, pasta and fresh squeezed orange juice. I was so into it I began to plan out menus for the next week. Yummy, this part was very exciting to me.

When I reached the receptions desk there was a very jolly old lady sitting behind it. She was looking down at a crossword puzzled, with a look of confusion across her face. I stood there for a second not wanting to interrupt her. I heard her saying “I know this… I know this.” I think I startled her because she slightly jumped in her seat when she noticed I was standing there. I told her I was sorry and I didn’t mean to scare her. She returned, “no problem honey, how can I help you?”

I told her that I was there to apply for food stamps and she said that I came to the right place. She was very nice and very welcoming. She handed me a blue piece of paper and an application form to fill out. She then told me to take a number, to go have a seat at one of the tables and to fill out my forms completely. I took a number from the dispenser, #A599, and asked her how long the process would take. She smiled and said it would take anywhere between 1 ½ hours to 2 hours. She asked me if I had the time to wait or if I wanted to make an appointment for a later time.

I jokingly replied back to her, “if I leave now I might not make it back.”

She laughed and said, “I hear ya.” She gave me a pen and said that If I needed any help to let her know. She was a nice lady.

After the first ½ hour of waiting I completed filling out my paper work. Number A491 window 10, came out from the loud speaker. It was a computerized voice that sounded so calm and peaceful, yet there was something sinister about it. A500 window 5, the numbers were getting closer and closer to mine. Soon I thought how this suffering would end and the cure for my decease would be made available to me in the form of good solid healthy FOOD. After another 20-30 minutes passed by A599 window 14 was called out. For a second I felt as if I had won the lottery and in my hand was the winning ticket. I got up and headed to the window.

When I got to the window there sat a woman wearing glasses that were hooked to a chain that went around her neck. When spoke to me she sounded almost as computerized as the voice over the loud speaker. She asked me for my paperwork and asked if I already had an existing case or if this was the first time I had ever applied for food stamps. I told her it was my first time. She looked over my paperwork, checking to make sure it was all completely filled out. Then she entered something into her computer. After this she wrote a case number on my application form and told me to go, have a seat, and wait for my number to be called again. The whole time, she didn’t look at me as well. I didn’t care though, not this time. I gathered up my paperwork and went back to my seat and waited.

As I sat there waiting, I began to look around at all the different people in the room. All of them were just like me in one way. They needed food stamps. I noticed the woman sitting across from me with a little girl still nestled in her car seat. She was sound asleep. I wanted to be like her, far away from this situation, in a dream. I sat there looking at her, taking in all the peacefulness in her face. Then I noticed how her mother had this blank stare across her face as she sat there looking at the t.v. screen, which was tuned into a special report on hunger in America, on CNN. How ironic I thought. For the next several minutes I just looked at her wondering; what she was thinking? Why was she there? Was she married? Did she have a boyfriend? I wanted to know something more about her, but her face gave me nothing else. It was as if she wasn’t even there. This got me curious. I wanted to see what the other faces in the room had to offer. I looked around the room and saw a woman sitting with her husband. Her face was sunken in and she was missing three of her front teeth. Had her husband hit her and knocked them out? Her eyes where dark brown and had dark circles around them. Her face was full of lines, each one telling a different story. The lines over her forehead said that she worried too much. The lines going down both sides of her face from her nose down to her chin said she used to smile a lot. She wasn’t smiling that day and finally the lines around her lips told me that she smoked a lot. She and her husband both were wearing clothes that appeared to have come from the bottom of their laundry pile. They were arguing over who was going to go downstairs and put quarters in the parking meter. The man’s excuse was he didn’t have any changes and in the woman’s defense she was using her change to call someone at home and let them know when they would be returning.

Meanwhile as they sat there going back and forth with their banter I noticed the little girl with them. She was sitting right next to them. She too had the blank stare across her face as she seemed to be just looking off out into nowhere. I thought, what is going on with this little girl? Why wasn’t she in school? Then the craziest thing happened. Right as that thought finish in my head she looked right over at me as if she were saying to me, “I don’t know.” The scary part of this was though she was looking at me it was as if she was looking right through me. It was an eerie feeling that took me off guard. I got up from my seat and changed my location in the room. This time I sat in a corner and tried not to make eye contact with anyone else. Still, I wanted to know what else was going on.

There were these guys who were talking about how long they had been there. One was an older guy maybe in his mid 50’s, who looked as though he was the coolest dude in his prime but somewhere along the way he got lost and just gave up on himself. While the other two guys where in their mid-twenties. One of them was complaining that he had been there for 3 days in a row and still hadn’t received his stamps. The other guy tried weaving what he could in between the words of the guy who had been there for 3 days. He was telling him what to do the next timed he was called to the window. He told the man not to tell them we was working, and by no means don’t tell them that they lived together. It would change the outcome of the amount they each would receive. The older guy was talking to his girlfriend on the phone. He was telling her that after he left the welfare office he was going to go to this place that would buy his stamps for 70 cents on the dollar. I was a bit confused by this because I wondered how do you sell food stamps when it comes on a debit card type system?

Over in the other corner was a guy who looked as if he had been sleeping there for several hours. His head was tilted back over the chair, his feet were propped up on another chair and he was snoring. He looked as if he was in his living room and had fallen asleep in his reclining chair. His snoring wasn’t loud enough to disturb anyone but loud enough for me to notice. Finally A599 was called again.

I went to the new window that I was instructed to by the computerized voice. I sat down in front of my case worker. She was very pleasant and she looked at me straight in the eyes as we spoke. I liked her. I handed over my application and she asked me if I filled it out myself. I told her yes. She gave it a glance over and looked at her computer screen and said to me, “so this is your first time apply for food support, yes?” I told her that she was correct and she said great. She asked me if I was working and I told her no. She asked me if I was the only one in the house hold that would be eating the food they would assist me with. I answered yes. She then asked me if I was looking for work. I told her that I was a full time student and I was looking for part-time work. When I told her this she smiled at me and then had a look over my application.

Bringing her attention back to me she asked, “so your attending the ANDROGYNINE LIAR?" I told that I was. Then she asked me what I my major was. I told her I was in a Film studies program. Again she smiled. She reached into a drawer at the side of her desk and pulled out a white 3 ring binder. She asked me if I was receiving financial aid. I told her that I was but it only covered part of my tuition. She asked me how I was paying my rent and utility bills. I told her I was receiving unemployment and the only bill I had was my phone. She asked me how much my rent was and how much I was receiving from unemployment. I told her $80 a week for my rent and $114 dollars a week from unemployment.

She seemed surprised as she said, “wow your barely making it”

I laughed and told her, “yeah but I am making it happen.”

We both had a little giggle as she began looking through the 3 ring binder. She came to a page and a look of concern came over her face. She said to me that she had to check and see if Arts Institute International was considered a higher learning school. I wasn’t sure what she ment by that so I asked, what did she mean?

She flipped through the book some more and came to a page that had a list of school on it. The Art Institute International was on it. She took a deep breath and said, “ I am sorry but you are not eligible for food support.”

I asked her why and all she could say was, because the ANDROGYNINE'S LAIR was considered a higher learning school, it was placed on a list of schools that said if the applicant was attending one of these schools they are not eligible for food support. She then went on to tell me that if I was on a work study program I would qualify, or if I had 8 credits or less, I would qualify, and finally if I had a child I would qualify. I didn’t qualify.

ANDROGYNINE continues……

ANDROGYNINE said:

DreamFirstBorn, Jew there is a party going on tonite. U will meet someone who can keep a secret. Do you promise not to tell. Secrets can lead to ........ ANDROGYNINE Continues......

ANDROGYNINE Continues...

[Edited 6/8/10 1:15am]

i guess the secret is out... funny how it rains in exchanges.

ANDROGYNINE said:

Tonight i put him in a room wanted to see what he could do cleared his mind so he could be an underground groove just for me... http://www.dreamfirstborn...oove-2.mp3 ANDROGYNINE Continues..

Praise de Lort I cant wait to hear this!!!

I just read your essay ..DUDE!!! That is crazy..AI is considered "higher learning" so food stamps is not eligable?? Are you nuts...If you are single and your parents are not putting you through college I think most college who are trying to educate themselves should receive SOME type of assistance.

even when its light i can be dark

when every thing is alright

i can be wrong

there is something that i can't control

and it's coming.

it scares me

in 17 days, let the rain come down.

ANDROGYNINE Continues....

ANDROGYNINE said:

Tonight i put him in a room wanted to see what he could do cleared his mind so he could be an underground groove just for me... http://www.dreamfirstborn...oove-2.mp3 ANDROGYNINE Continues..

That phunki! All you need is a linn drum on top of that snare!

ANDROGYNINE said:

I found this while at The DownLoad Society http://www.dreamfirstborn...medown.mp3 ANDROGYNINE Continues....

"She let me down"

Explain the story on this!? The music is pretty spacey and funky. What is the theme?

paisleypark4 said:

ANDROGYNINE said:

I found this while at The DownLoad Society http://www.dreamfirstborn...medown.mp3 ANDROGYNINE Continues....

"She let me down"

Explain the story on this!? The music is pretty spacey and funky. What is the theme?

It was written while on the streets while i was sitting on the curb after my experience with DM. The song was recorded at The DownLoad Society in NYC during The X Project. ANDROGYNINE found it and did a final mix on it.

Also.... Members of The DownLoad Society have shot a video for this as a project for an ANDROGYNINE Assignment, He might talk about it soon. we are in the process of editing it right now...

it is different from what i have done before, because i am working with new members of The DownLoad Society, while at ANDROGYNINE'S LAIR.

thanks.

dreamfirstborn said:

paisleypark4 said:

"She let me down"

Explain the story on this!? The music is pretty spacey and funky. What is the theme?

It was written while on the streets while i was sitting on the curb after my experience with DM. The song was recorded at The DownLoad Society in NYC during The X Project. ANDROGYNINE found it and did a final mix on it.

Also.... Members of The DownLoad Society have shot a video for this as a project for an ANDROGYNINE Assignment, He might talk about it soon. we are in the process of editing it right now...

it is different from what i have done before, because i am working with new members of The DownLoad Society, while at ANDROGYNINE'S LAIR.

thanks.

www.dreamfirstborn.aisite...medown.mp3

She Let Me Down

Mixed By ANDROGYNINE.

I like this track because it was Honest.

DreamFirstBorn, Jew didn't want me to work on this but, We made a trade. I let him work with Maggie in exchange. He has a crush, i believe. What turns out of it we will have to see.

as for the mini beat.... prepare for the download.

DreamFirstBorn, Jew you should introduce the new members of The DownLoad Society.

Don't worry Minneapolis is not like New York City. We are

ANDROGYNINE Continues....

[Edited 6/10/10 18:07pm]

ANDROGYNINE said:

loveletter said:

ANDROGYNINE said:

www.dreamfirstborn.aisite...medown.mp3

She Let Me Down

Mixed By ANDROGYNINE.

I like this track because it was Honest.

DreamFirstBorn, Jew didn't want me to work on this but, We made a trade. I let him work with Maggie in exchange. He has a crush, i believe. What turns out of it we will have to see.

as for the mini beat.... prepare for the download.

DreamFirstBorn, Jew you should introduce the new members of The DownLoad Society.

Don't worry Minneapolis is not like New York City. We are

ANDROGYNINE Continues....

[Edited 6/10/10 18:07pm]

ANDROGYNINE that is the same mix. Come on now ... Madison, Within this loveletter

I must admit Madison you are on top of thing but i will warm you.... WATCH YOUR TONE GRACE. I still have your DreamFirstBorn in my possesion.

here you go. www.dreamfirstborn.aisites.com/sheletmedownmix.mp3

ANDROGYNINE Continues...

Interesting DreamFirstBorn, Jew.

What i want you to do know is write an Artist Statement on this piece.

use words that everyone can understand.

complete this by tomorrow morning.

ANDROGYNINE Continues...

remember an Artist Statement is all about You.

in the mean time.... PAPER CRAYONS has contributed something to this experience...

Inspired by:

She Let Me Down

Spring 2010 ANDROGYNINE Collection

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"I created these images using 3dmax. I was inspired by the song. It sounded as if his testimony was given in church. or something... - PaperCrayons"

ANDROGYNINE Continues...

[Edited 6/13/10 11:51am]

ANDROGYNINE I don't like writing artist statement....

can i give you something else instead?