It's funny, a few people like the things I write, and I thought this was one of the best poems I had done in recent times. However it hasn't elicited a response from even my closest friend.

Does it suck that bad? I mean, is it too cliche?


In my dreams you came to me
so wild and so tame.
We shared a taste of nothing real
In a place only I could feel.

In all honesty, I wished you away,
but I'll beckon if my mind does sway
In all modesty, you came to me
you and your lovely.

A dream depicts me more accurately
than every waking hour does currently.
If the moon can capture me
in it's blanket of ashen grey
Come and put me to bed
lips anointing my forehead.
May I have your hand
in this dance?


We shared a taste for the cold and black
Still cannot see how I could've related, looking back
You were a gateway standing in the doorway
A loving girl is honey, you left me with the taste of ipecac.

And still, this quiet afternoon by the fountain
I watch you
A lowered toe into the cool sends circles 'cross the blue
Here I watch you.
If only this spite inside could be bottled
and cast aside as was your pride
I could embrace you.
But the East will never know West
just as Eve could never undress,
and I implore you-
Were you to step out of this dream
I would lay you down with me
and explore you

If this were not but ghosts and memories
I would circumnavigate you like the sea
If you could just believe in me
To this bed in which I scream,
I would take you.

If you could just believe in me,
in this bed of ecstasy
I would take you.

Both of you.

You're over writing, and tending to repeat yourself alot.
If you cut this bad boy up, focusing on most you're great lines and mend them together, It could be amazing...
You also have alot cliche lines, which might be alright if you're writing a song, But in poetry just looks bad.
Additionally, establishing a certain type of rhyme schemewould help so it doesn't seem so muddled at times

i'll give you some quick notes.

The second verse is utterly pointless, you don't need it in my opinion.

The first part of the 3rd verse is a tad cliche, but you could tie it in with the first verse by saying "The dream" instead of "A dream"
if you wan't to use "A" than you should change depicts, to depicting.
The last part of the verse is money, the ashen grey line is killer, i'd keep it
but the hand in this dance is excess cause it isn't consistent
i'd stick with the dream and sleeping imagery...

The fourth verse is kinda weird, and the rhymes are a little forced,
The wording is weird and jumbled, the main idea of the verse isn't really well thought out and kinda abruptly messes with the flow
i'd consider revising it, or cutting it,
i do like the opener though "We shared a taste for the cold and black"
i would just start over from there, stemming from the meaning of that phrase...

Verse 5, this verse establishes a new setting, by a fountain which kinda messes with the sleepy dreamy imagery
If i were you, i'd make this into the first setting, IE first verse, and than segueway into the dream setting, its an easier transition
You gotta cut it alot of the cliche and uneccessary lines because they obsucre the really good ones

The last two lines can be combined, but you're changing settings again to past tense now. which contradicts the whole poem.

But enough of that, it's promising, but you need to heavily edit it out
But i might be wrong get someone elses's opinion. I've been writing for sometime now and you're work looks much like how mines looked when i first began...
Full of great lines but lacking structure...
Structure makes everything
The sweetest juice is useless without the simplest glass

Good though, i'd like to read more.
[Edited 7/29/07 22:51pm]

Thank you so much for your input!

It was easy for me to see all of your points. I guess I didn't sit on this long enough. The first half I wrote at 3 AM after a second-size-up-from-the-smallest bottle of Southern Comfort, so when I woke up in the morning, I had forgotten what I had even written.

It was like Christmas for me to open it up and check it out, and I completed it on the spot. That approach was so fun for me, I immediately considered it finished.

Shows me.

Your advice was so helpful, I can't help but wonder what you think of this one;





My friend, I know the wick has ended
or I would pass hand over your flame
And time has torn our tapestry
but still I weave your name.

A rival for all time
a brother just the same
a lover in another time
and still I speak your name.

We were so pretty,
and petty
I never wanted you to leave.
Those nights I'm not forgetting.
A martini,
La Flor de Caney.

So with every story, I stray
and change them a little every day.
Tiny violins play
for I feel I'll never see the day
When I find you
and you find me
and banish ten thousand nights of lonely.
We'll close Vivo, or at least it's shadow
And drown in our lovely horrid city.

We're on a wire here, please realize.
Until I see the glow
of your cigarette, and blue eyes
this time without you has been
how you say, shameful.
A waste of Pinot, and utterly painful.

David, I say we try.
I say we clock out, dress to the nines, and find
our old, dusty places at each other's side
and leave all these boring cunts behind.

This one is more thoughtout and ha smore structure than the first one.
But i still think you're overwriting. You got alot of alcohol imagery in heere which is nice but a tad bit repetitive...
Its a tad pretentious like T.S. Eliots work, especially the La Flor de Caney line...
But it works, plus i like T.S. Eliot anyway

Quick notes:
fourth verse is entirely too long, has alot of useless sentences
but you also have alot of great ones too
But all in all, this one is alot better than your first
needs work, but it shows that you have the talent.
You just need to edit yourself, thats it

Keep postin, and i'll keep reading

EcstaticFanatic said:

I liked this.
sometimes when the words are written down as they flow is nice.
It has that feeling.