ok so this is my first time posting here in this particular forum...i'm kind of a poet...i was, and i had a really bad dry spell where i couldn't write anything, on top of being so damn busy anytime i'd get an idea i'd lose it before i had the chance 2 write it down....so a few nights ago these few verses came 2 me in my sleep...and i woke up and wrote them down...i think im going 2 be ok now, maybe my writing will continue:

the shades of blue
u cast upon the souls of the world are many
we are kin by nature
4 i canvas these blues 2
whether dark or light; value is great...

my tears roll
like the tides u control
i cry 2 u because u know the sorrow that was
that is and that is 2 be
my emotional zodiac...

breathe in2 me
what the cool night air breathes in2 u
such passionate pain
brush strokes & pen blots do no justice
2 this beautiful mess...



ok so it's not done yet, i havent had time (once again) 2 rework it, i think i might leave it like that and just add on 2 it....

Its good but it does need to be reworked,
Some verses seem like run-on sentences and it really takes away from the peace
Your really good with imagery, which is always a good talent too have so since the title is called "Reflection of the moon" add some more moon imagery

Another problem is its mixed free verse and rhyme
thats always a problem with poems
you need to either develop a nice Rhyme scheme or keep it free verse

i suggest keep it free verse since its only the second verse that rhymes


these are just critiques cause i've been down this road before
My Poems where trainwrecks because of not structuring them correctly,
So i believe Structure is a good thing that never takes away from a poem
but remember
Its your poem, do what you see fit!

Im just a reader,
[Edited 3/1/05 14:05pm]

thanks hun @least u, unlike other ppl ive shared it with in the past, are nice about it lol

i unno, i kinda like the way its so sparatic, you dont know what to expect when u read it...i'll take ure suggestions in2 consideration tho...thanks

Critics are harsh, I try to be as delicate as possible cause i understand that this is your baby,
I wouldn't want some jerk telling me all the problems with a poem of mines, being an ass,

You can take my advice, or not, its your work
Maybe it works for your Style
And Style is always something important

I like the un-structured verse. It gives it a style all it's own. It adds a flavor to the writing and it also shows how it came to u as a flood in a dream. A dream would not have poetic structure, would it? Nice work. Continue to flow with your work. Don't worry about structure.

talmuzic said:

thank u