Hi everybody, I'd really appreciate it if you could tell me what you think of the following stanza's. Thanks in advance


"She knows your place
She knows your style
Can’t stay the night
Wont go the mile

How is it she can play your game?
Luscious curves drive you insane

This girls so crazy, she must be mine
Do the deal and wait the nine

Anna Simmons got your place
Anna Simmons got your style
Let’s stay the night, go the mile"

Anybody?

yah the people on the site are Pretty cold

but i'll give you some critque
but first is this for a Song or poem?
if its for a song it needs a bit more lines
if its for a poem and needs more structure
depending on what you want to say
or if its free verse try to add more lines
cause its kinda vague on what it means
you don't have to get shakespearian
but try to say what trying to say
[Edited 12/12/04 9:08am]

Hi Luv4oneanotha,

Basically this was an early draft of a poem, I wanted to post this irst to see what people thought as I thought (in its early stages) it looked prety good.

Anyhow here is the final version which ties in with what you are saying:

"She knows your place
She knows your style
Can’t stay the night
Won’t go the mile

How is it she can play your game?
Luscious curves, drive men insane
Those come get me eyes
Pretty girl smile
Perfect hips and hair so wild

She drives me crazy, she must be mine
Gonna make the steal, gonna wait the nine

She has your place
She has your style
Let’s stay the night, go the mile"

Basically its about a girl who can play they guys at their own game, and this is attractive (to the narrator) and he wants her so bad, not just for a fling, but for life (i.e. wait the 9, 9 months for a baby)

Nice i like i like
Reminds me of High Steppin Lady from New Funk Order 2

get a nice groove and a chorus you might have something here

Thank You

This is too much fluff to be taken seriously as a poem. These would make fine song lyrics - send 'em to Bobby Brown!

not to mess with your stuff or anything, i know how writers can be touchy when it comes to their writings, (i know i am)

but this is like a rough draft of what i would do if i wanted it to be a song

She Knows Your place
She Likes your style
Can't stay the night
cause she won't go the mile

How is it that she can play your game
Luscious curves, drive you insane
Those "come and get me" eyes
And that smile that trancends time
Im hypnotized by her style
God this woman drives me wild

(chorus)
She Drives Me Crazy
She Must be mine
Suburban Daisy
Gonna wait the nine
She drives me Crazy
Im on cloud nine
Hypnotic Lady
YOU MUST BE MINE

She has your place
She has your style
Let’s stay the night, and go the mile
let me travel upon the lips of your kisses
you'll wake tommorow, and i'll grant your wishes

chorus repeated over and over etc...

thats what i would do
its sorta like a funk ballad
if you keep workin on the arrangement of the lyrics you'll have a hott song

Luv4oneanotha said:

I don't think it's about that at all.

If you notice, there are some hi-profile (in this section) individuals that never comment.
Do I consider that cold? No.
There are others that are very aggressive in wanting to have their posts reviewed.

You have to realize what this is. It's just a message board devoted to a particular artist that happens to have an "Artist Community" area. If you're serious about having something of yours reviewed, go to a site that's setup specifically for that purpose (i.e. Garageband).
It's like doing a gig in club out of town where none of your friends are there to give you any automatic support. If you get to that crowd, you know you've got something.

IMO, folks here do the best they can when they can and it shouldn't be taken personally.

I tend to comment when there's something productive I feel I can add to the discussion.
I don't comment when the subject matter is something I know very little about...like lyrics.

Now I did comment on your "The Change From Electric to acoustic Guitar" post.
Still haven't seen my...



...crisp hundy!

Need to setup a Paypal account?

tA

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...rmusic.htm
[Edited 12/12/04 12:43pm]

theAudience said:

lmao yes yes your advice did help
i'll thank you on my next audio release
lol
as for the benjamins
take it up with my acountant his name is "Fat Chance"

Luv4oneanotha said:

Oh, I don't think Mr. Chance wants to deal with my Collection Agency...



...

tA

Tribal Disorder

http://www.soundclick.com...rmusic.htm

theAudience said: