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Reply #30 posted 02/20/20 12:34pm

PeggyO

I think when children are young, the mother should only speak in a neutral tone to protect them from all the gory details. It does not serve the children at that age.

Perhaps when they are older 15+, they can know more.

My father was also gone and he was worthless, though he was a physician and should have known better. My brother was the one that really suffered not having a dad around.

I did too, but I think it was worse for him.

Pokeno4Money said:


Branching out the subject of fathers and parenting in the other thread, how much of an impact does a father have when he leaves his children and how should the situation be explained to the children left behind?

First and foremost, when somebody voluntarily decides to leave it's THEIR CHOICE to do so. What they are saying is those left behind aren't that important to them, obviously. They'd rather have the freedom to do whatever the hell they want instead of stay with those they decided to leave behind.

Should the children left behind be told this? Yes, I think so. We hear all the time the sob story excuses given for those that leave. They try to gather sympathy by making themselves out to be some kind of victim. "Oh the pressure was too much, the stress, the responsibility" blah blah blah.

Fact is, their CHOICE to leave was an immature response to a situation they didn't like because they could no longer get their way and do whatever the hell they wanted to do. Did they think about how their life would change with the added responsibilities of fatherhood when they conceived the kids? Nope. But again, you either man up and accept the hand you've been dealt or you make an immature childish decision to leave because having your own way and being able to do whatever the hell you want is more important than the people you left behind.

I think children need to be told this, they need to understand Daddy isn't the good guy they thought he was. So hopefully the children won't grow up and make the same selfish immature decision their Daddy made.

Thoughts?

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Reply #31 posted 02/20/20 3:45pm

Pokeno4Money

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PeggyO said:

I think when children are young, the mother should only speak in a neutral tone to protect them from all the gory details. It does not serve the children at that age.

Perhaps when they are older 15+, they can know more.

My father was also gone and he was worthless, though he was a physician and should have known better. My brother was the one that really suffered not having a dad around.

I did too, but I think it was worse for him.


Sorry to hear, Peg.

Yes I agree the gory details should be kept away from the little ones. The overall picture can be conveyed without them.

"Never let nasty stalkers disrespect you. They start shit, you finish it. Go down to their level, that's the only way they'll understand. You have to handle things yourself."
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Reply #32 posted 02/29/20 12:09pm

RJOrion

leave my children?...i dont even like to go to the store or run errands without my sons...i even miss them while im at work and theyre at school...outside of death, leaving is not an option
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Reply #33 posted 02/29/20 3:23pm

Pokeno4Money

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RJOrion said:

leave my children?...i dont even like to go to the store or run errands without my sons...i even miss them while im at work and theyre at school...outside of death, leaving is not an option


You're a good man, my friend.

"Never let nasty stalkers disrespect you. They start shit, you finish it. Go down to their level, that's the only way they'll understand. You have to handle things yourself."
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Reply #34 posted 02/29/20 3:54pm

uPtoWnNY

guitarslinger44 said:

uPtoWnNY said:

Unfortunately, there's nothing to prevent folks who shouldn't be parents from having kids.

I realised a long time ago that lifestyle (marriage & fatherhood) wasn't for me....too much work/responsibility & too expensive. My maternal grandmother would say, what's wrong with you? biggrin


It's some communist shit, but I think people should have to have a license to have kids. You need a license, to drive, get married, go fishing, but having kids is arguably more important than all of those things.

The only thing I never really worked out a solution to was if people had an accident. In China they would demolish your house if you had more than 1 child, but that's not a real solution.

I think it's pretty big of you to be honest enough with yourself that you arent interested in being married or a father. Most people don't have the balls, good on you.

Thanks, but I don't think it's that big a deal - is it that hard for folks to be brutally honest with themselves? Life is too short, so I'm going to do what makes me happy. I've lost a girlfriend with my way of thinking, but she knew the deal going in.....she thought she could change me.

I just want to work out, play videogames, watch classic cartoons, sci-fi, NFL & NBA, read comics and visit family. The idea of busting my ass 24-7, 365, to raise a family is not my idea of fun. Besides, my brother has three kids so the family name will go on.

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Reply #35 posted 02/29/20 4:57pm

OnlyNDaUsa

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2freaky4church1 said:

Blame the Republicans who went after child care experts like Benjamin Spock.

is there a DIRECT connection between him being an expert baby sitter and what they did to him?


No one is coming for your abortion: they just want common-sense abortion regulations: background checks, waiting periods, lifetime limits, take a class, and a small tax.
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Reply #36 posted 03/03/20 6:40am

OldFriends4Sal
e

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moderator

what about fathers (and mothers) who are mentally ill? They should leave

#IDEFINEME #ALBUMSSTILLMATTER

A Liar Shall Not Tarry In My Presence
I will make you cyber shit in your pants!
What's the matter with your life
Is poverty bringing U down?
Is the mailman jerking U 'round?
Did he put your million dollar check
In
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Reply #37 posted 03/03/20 7:47am

2freaky4church
1

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A sitter? lol

All you others say Hell Yea!! woot!
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Reply #38 posted 03/03/20 5:49pm

Pokeno4Money

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OldFriends4Sale said:

what about fathers (and mothers) who are mentally ill? They should leave


You mean if they pose a danger to the children? Then they should give them up for adoption.

"Never let nasty stalkers disrespect you. They start shit, you finish it. Go down to their level, that's the only way they'll understand. You have to handle things yourself."
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Reply #39 posted 03/04/20 5:28pm

onlyforaminute

Are the percentages high that children aren't told the truth? I guess there are some cases where some flowery story is made up but for the most part children tend to be told and it hasn't changed the statistical probability so far. Seems to all come down to the individual. My dad's dad bounced never to be seen again, My Dad stayed in a very unusual circumstance for a man to be in his generation because that's who he was as a person. Many dump first families and give their all in all to the second family, while others just bail every single time they have a child somewhere. Wish I knew the magic formula.
Life is to be lived, not controlled, and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.

-Ralph Ellison
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Reply #40 posted 03/12/20 6:58pm

domainator2010

I've often wondered why there were so many TV shows like "Home Improvement"... - there must be a need for these things?

Unfortunately one of them was...The Cosby Show sad (which I've almost never seen, btw).

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Reply #41 posted 03/15/20 8:00am

alphastreet

Thank you for making this topic. 20 years ago, my dad cheated on my mom and took off several times to other countries to meet her. My mom felt he left us rather than just her and always made it that narrative. I don’t have a relationship with my dad though when I tried to several times it was one sided. He lives with the woman and they work together and have nothing more to life other than visiting my grandparents, and he truly played the victim story when it first happened and acted like he fell for her after leaving my mom though that’s a big lie . He even had the best interests kids the same age as me and my sister, and the same race as that other woman, as though we were never good enough. He didn’t know how to be a dad even if I have several fun memories at most, and he was a bully. Sometimes I still wonder if he didn’t accept the way I was and the way my mom and sister were


Sometimes I wonder if he wanted sons, and though I don’t let it affect me, at times I feel like I have a bit of his impulsive nature though I don’t really act on it, and worry that I’ll attract an emotionally unavailable partner cause I have no idea what it’s like to have a dad and it’s not the same as losing one to death or disease though my mom has compared it to that and it’s not the same. At least those ones know what it’s like to be loved by him and I didn’t know.

Kudos to those of you who are dads and never gave up on their children
[Edited 3/15/20 8:02am]
[Edited 3/15/20 8:21am]
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Reply #42 posted 03/15/20 9:09am

IfItAintToy

alphastreet said:

Thank you for making this topic. 20 years ago, my dad cheated on my mom and took off several times to other countries to meet her. My mom felt he left us rather than just her and always made it that narrative. I don’t have a relationship with my dad though when I tried to several times it was one sided. He lives with the woman and they work together and have nothing more to life other than visiting my grandparents, and he truly played the victim story when it first happened and acted like he fell for her after leaving my mom though that’s a big lie . He even had the best interests kids the same age as me and my sister, and the same race as that other woman, as though we were never good enough. He didn’t know how to be a dad even if I have several fun memories at most, and he was a bully. Sometimes I still wonder if he didn’t accept the way I was and the way my mom and sister were Sometimes I wonder if he wanted sons, and though I don’t let it affect me, at times I feel like I have a bit of his impulsive nature though I don’t really act on it, and worry that I’ll attract an emotionally unavailable partner cause I have no idea what it’s like to have a dad and it’s not the same as losing one to death or disease though my mom has compared it to that and it’s not the same. At least those ones know what it’s like to be loved by him and I didn’t know. Kudos to those of you who are dads and never gave up on their children [Edited 3/15/20 8:02am] [Edited 3/15/20 8:21am]

I know this is slightly off-topic since the discussion is about dads but my situation is similar to yours but pertaining to my mom. She always acted as though I was not good enough for her even when I was an innocent small child. Her and my brother were innately superior with me and my dad coming after, in a surely, solid below-level. She mistreated me until she realized she was stuck with me- that my brother went on with his life with little time for her and I was the one always there. She still resents that it's not the opposite, that it's not her beloved son having a close relationship with her but me, but she has mellowed and even roots for me, ie, wants the genuine best for me which she didn't before. She wanted me to go to low-paying jobs and, even though I was a pretty good student, moved heaven and earth for me to go to one of those technician jobs that exist in Europe for people who have trouble completing High School (nothing wrong with these or any job because EVERY profession is noble and needed, just highlighting the discrepancy between student merits and the jobs she aimed for me). She allowed my brother to abuse me emotionally, verbally and physically in a most cruel fashion and to this day refuses to acknowledge anything. Her blindness for him is so great, so mentally castrating, she saw and sees nothing minimally wrong with his behaviour even when it is slapping her in the face. The sensation of my not being good enough is always with me and interferes with everything I do including relationships.

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Reply #43 posted 03/15/20 9:54am

alphastreet

Sorry to hear that you had a hard time with your mom, that dynamic between her and your brother sounds difficult. I’m sure she loves you but may have a hard time showing it and appreciating your strengths. My mom and I have only become close in recent years, it wasn’t always like that and I used to feel she favoured my sister, but it’s gotten better and can only hope things improve for you

I really long to be in a relationship but am worried about the type of person o may attract and find comfort in knowing it’s not completely my fault for worrying and life did that and it is what it is
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Reply #44 posted 03/15/20 5:42pm

slyjackson

I don't miss my father which is in New York, naved had much of a relationship with him, and just the thought of havin one makes me a little bit sick. I don't care much for him, he used for a brief time, to hit my mother, my mother was no fool, she fought back but hadn't the strenght he had. I don't hate him, but I don't want him any near to me.

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Reply #45 posted 03/16/20 12:18pm

alphastreet

slyjackson said:

I don't miss my father which is in New York, naved had much of a relationship with him, and just the thought of havin one makes me a little bit sick. I don't care much for him, he used for a brief time, to hit my mother, my mother was no fool, she fought back but hadn't the strenght he had. I don't hate him, but I don't want him any near to me.



Sorry you went through that
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Reply #46 posted 03/16/20 1:52pm

slyjackson

alphastreet said:

slyjackson said:

I don't miss my father which is in New York, naved had much of a relationship with him, and just the thought of havin one makes me a little bit sick. I don't care much for him, he used for a brief time, to hit my mother, my mother was no fool, she fought back but hadn't the strenght he had. I don't hate him, but I don't want him any near to me.

Sorry you went through that

Thanks, it's a thing of the past now.

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Reply #47 posted 03/17/20 4:32pm

Pokeno4Money

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onlyforaminute said:

Are the percentages high that children aren't told the truth?


I don't think it's something that has ever been tracked, but I'm guessing yes with younger children and no for older children.

"Never let nasty stalkers disrespect you. They start shit, you finish it. Go down to their level, that's the only way they'll understand. You have to handle things yourself."
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Reply #48 posted 03/19/20 9:43pm

Dalia11

Yes children should know the truth.
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Reply #49 posted 03/24/20 7:44am

domainator2010

As far as Daddys leaving is concerned, I wish mine had lol

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Reply #50 posted 03/25/20 4:19pm

onlyforaminute

Pokeno4Money said:



onlyforaminute said:


Are the percentages high that children aren't told the truth?


I don't think it's something that has ever been tracked, but I'm guessing yes with younger children and no for older children.




I guess it depends on perspective. From experience anger, frustration many times has a dominant affect on behavior, meaning mothers left tend to express those feelings to their children even younger ones.
Life is to be lived, not controlled, and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.

-Ralph Ellison
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