independent and unofficial
Prince fan community site
Fri 24th Jan 2020 2:48pm
Welcome! Sign up or enter username and password to remember me
Forum jump
Forums > Politics & Religion > let's put a personal face on abortion, shall we?
« Previous topic  Next topic »
Page 1 of 9 123456789>
  New topic   Printable     (Log in to 'subscribe' to this topic)
Author

Tweet     Share

Message
Thread started 05/17/05 7:14am

CarrieMpls

Ex-Moderator

avatar

let's put a personal face on abortion, shall we?

I had an abortion.
I was 17.
We did not use protection.

I was an honor student, was identified "high potential" with a rather high IQ at about age 7 and was in advanced classes and whatnot my whole life. I'm not saying this to brag or anything, I'm saying this to give context. Sure, I had a bit of a troubled life (my dad was an alcoholic, blah, blah, blah) but I also basically took care of myself from about age 15 or so on, working jobs to pay for my own clothes, all the while getting the fabulous grades in school, taking advanced placement and college courses while I was still in high school, member of the national honor society, etc. I was the last person I knew, or who anyone knew, to be expected to become a teen pregnancy statistic. I was intelligent, well-educated, from a middle class background and yes, I should have known better.

Bascially - I fell in love and did something stupid. I knew, and my boyfriend knew, that what we were doing was careless. But we did it anyway. It happens. The smartest, most well-intentioned of people make mistakes. And it was a mistake, to be sure.

But as far as I'm concerned, I took care of and learned from my mistake. And you know what? To this day, I do not regret my decision. Sure, there's always the "what-if" floating around out there. But I know that I made the best decision for myself at that time in my life. Whether I chose to keep the baby for myself or give it up for adoption, my life would have gone a completely different direction. I wouldn't have finished high school (at least not on time), I wouldn't have moved out from living with my parents at age 18 (a necessary thing for me to learn to be healthy away from my toxic father), I wouldn't be where I am today.

Because of the laws in my state, being that I was a minor my parents had to be "notified" before they could perform the procedure. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking notification is any different than "consent" laws, as if either of my parents refused to provide proof they'd been "notified" I wouldn't have been able to get it done. In Minnesota at that time, I would have had the option to see a judge to explain why I couldn't notify my parents and gain approval that way, but I had already told my mother as we were somewhat close and she couldn't deal with it all alone and had to tell my dad anyway.

As far as what happened when I went to Planned Parenthood, well, I can't imagine why anyone thinks we need the 24 hour waiting period law either. You're already there for several hours before anything takes place. I saw a counselor to talk about if I had any moral problems with what I was doing, we watched a video of what would happen, talked about how I would feel after, what some women go through, they educated me on contraception (which, of course, was all stuff I already knew) and they ensured everyone who left was on some form or another. At any time I could have walked out and not looked back. But I didn't.

As for the procedure itself, well, it wasn't so bad. It was painful to be sure, but I think most women are built with a rather high pain tolerance. It wasn't worse than some of the worst menstrual cramps I'd experienced up to that point. I was the first to go in that day and as I walked out of recovery there were women who had been with me all day waiting to see how I was doing. I shared my experience with those who asked, assured them it wasn't as bad as any of us were dreading and my mom and I went home.

Some of my friends knew. Some didn't. Some who found out were appalled, but I was never called a "baby killer" or any such nonsense. My closest girlfriends were mostly just curious, and I shared with them what they wanted to know.
Now, so many years later, I'm still content with my decision. And I'm finding out regularly that my story is not unique, nor uncommon. Nearly everyone I know knows someone with a very similar story.

I still to this day don't wish anyone to find themselves in the situation I was in. But reality shows young women (and men for that matter) will continue to find themselves in this situation. If I found myself there, it really could happen to anyone. Some may not choose what I chose, and that's fine for them, but the option still needs to be there.

And that's all I really have to say about it. I expect some of you will pray for me, and that's great, but not necessary. I expect others of you will judge and condemn me, and that's fine too. I'm the one who has to live with my decision. I don't expect this will change anyone's mind on abortion. Just, you know, helping you see another side of it all.

This is also the first time I've written about it since it happened, so it was interesting for me to reflect back a little...
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #1 posted 05/17/05 8:01am

MisterMan38

congrats - well put - well written ... it is the MAIN reason i am not a huge anti abortion person ... because intelligent thinking people sometimes do something ... oops ... confused --- very heartfelt ... thanks for posting this ...
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #2 posted 05/17/05 8:12am

Anxiety

very brave of you to write, carrie. rose
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #3 posted 05/17/05 8:29am

Heiress

What I hate in abortion debates (and the reason I generally avoid talking about this stuff) is that everything always seems to fall on the shoulders of the women... not irresponsible boys having sex w/out protection, or fathers who should be looking after their daughters, but don't bother...

I'm sorry, but I don't think that practically raising yourself from the age of 15 and having an alcoholic dad is a lot of banal la-dee-da. Bravo on getting through those tough times. clapping

I haven't been in your shoes so you won't see me judging you anytime soon. I'm glad you're a happy person today.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #4 posted 05/17/05 8:50am

CarrieMpls

Ex-Moderator

avatar

Heiress said:

What I hate in abortion debates (and the reason I generally avoid talking about this stuff) is that everything always seems to fall on the shoulders of the women... not irresponsible boys having sex w/out protection, or fathers who should be looking after their daughters, but don't bother...

I'm sorry, but I don't think that practically raising yourself from the age of 15 and having an alcoholic dad is a lot of banal la-dee-da. Bravo on getting through those tough times. clapping

I haven't been in your shoes so you won't see me judging you anytime soon. I'm glad you're a happy person today.


Thanks, and I agree what I went through is probably not a lot of banal la-dee-da, but I wanted to highlight the fact that even as a teen I was educated, mature beyond most kids my age (holding down jobs with school, making my own way in the world a bit) and knew what I should have done, but somehow still made a mistake.
Surely my life wasn't ideal. But in explaining where I was coming from, I don't know what more could have been done to prevent me from making the mistake I made. I don't think this is only a case of kids will be kids, but in a way, it is. Sex is such a powerful urge/instinct/what-have-you that the fallout (pregnancy, STDs, etc) will always be around.
I think the key will alaways be education, not to mention ensuring our young people are growing up with the highest of self-esteem, but damn!! Those are nearly insurmountable tasks. And we're not there yet. And even if all the pieces are there, accidents happen.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #5 posted 05/17/05 9:08am

kisscamille

  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #6 posted 05/17/05 9:09am

kisscamille

Your honesty is amazing. Isn't it fortunate that we have the choice.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #7 posted 05/17/05 9:18am

Heiress

CarrieMpls said:

Heiress said:

What I hate in abortion debates (and the reason I generally avoid talking about this stuff) is that everything always seems to fall on the shoulders of the women... not irresponsible boys having sex w/out protection, or fathers who should be looking after their daughters, but don't bother...

I'm sorry, but I don't think that practically raising yourself from the age of 15 and having an alcoholic dad is a lot of banal la-dee-da. Bravo on getting through those tough times. clapping

I haven't been in your shoes so you won't see me judging you anytime soon. I'm glad you're a happy person today.


Thanks, and I agree what I went through is probably not a lot of banal la-dee-da, but I wanted to highlight the fact that even as a teen I was educated, mature beyond most kids my age (holding down jobs with school, making my own way in the world a bit) and knew what I should have done, but somehow still made a mistake.
Surely my life wasn't ideal. But in explaining where I was coming from, I don't know what more could have been done to prevent me from making the mistake I made. I don't think this is only a case of kids will be kids, but in a way, it is. Sex is such a powerful urge/instinct/what-have-you that the fallout (pregnancy, STDs, etc) will always be around.
I think the key will alaways be education, not to mention ensuring our young people are growing up with the highest of self-esteem, but damn!! Those are nearly insurmountable tasks. And we're not there yet. And even if all the pieces are there, accidents happen.


Ya know, there's no substitute for a strong father figure. I'd say that was a major thing you were missing (whether it would have prevented you getting into the abortion situation, I guess we don't know, do we?)... Girls need their fathers more than people think. I have seen so many friends going through such emotional struggles at least partially due to having lousy fathers.

That's another place where women get blamed - all too often, it's "what did your mother do to you?" Men need to take on some parenting responsibility, not merely create offspring.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #8 posted 05/17/05 9:33am

SupaFunkyOrgan
grinderSexy

avatar

Carrie, thank you thank you thank you for being open enough to discuss this ultra personal issue. Putting a real face on the issue will go a long way in helping people to deal with it. There will be those who will never accept the decision you made and that is fine. But there are others who will be able to better deal with their own decision, either past or future.

It's very important to discuss the matter of teenage pregnancy. So many girls are roped into a life of doom. Make no mistake, children are blessings. But for young girls, and boys, they can be a curse and an anchor. My best friend's ex girlfriend grew up in East LA, in gangland. Her surroundings were rough, but she was gifted. She was a bright girl. She excelled in class and eventually was accepted at a School of Arts. That was her ticket out of the ghetto.

Like many girls from the ghetto, she came from a broken home. Her dad murdered in gang violence. Her mother, an emotional wreck. She was basically on her own. Like many girls in that situation, she fell prey to a grown man who gave her the attention she wanted and at 15 she got pregnant. She went to her mother and told her that she wanted an abortion. That she couldn't have a kid because she would not be able to go to the arts school and her mother told her that she had to have the baby to please God.

So she was left to deal with this all alone. Despite her mother's religious objections she did not want to have the baby. She became desperate and tried to induce a miscarriage. She told me how she slammed her pregnant stomach into the end of a table and one time even threw herself down a flight of stairs. It did not work. On top of all this, her boyfriend was an abuser and was someone she could not get away from when she wanted to break up. He stalked her and beat her up and there she was with a mother that was not being a mother, carrying a child she did not want, chained to an abusive man, watching her future go down the drain.

She had the baby and kept it. Let's be honest here. People always advocate "adoption", but it's not an easy choice for girls or women to make. And people don't always bond and feel happy feelings. Her family wanted the child to stay with her and she felt like she had to keep it. She knew adoption was available but she felt like she would be abandoning it.

Well she resented that kid. And she abused him. She took out all her anger and frustration over the situation on the kid. And people will say, well she should have directed it somewhere else and yes she should have, but she didn't. Reality folks. She did what people often do. She was only projected into a more unhealthy life. Yes the kid was also living, but what kind of life? I was there one time when she beat him. And it frightened me. Some of you know about my abusive relationship. Well this woman was an abuser as well.

She grew up being abused and carried the cycle forward. That time she beat the kid, it started out as a whipping, which I'm not really against but there is a limit. And she would get so flipped out that she was uncontrollable. She beat that kid from one end of the house to the other. It was a brawl. Not just a whipping, but a beating. At first I stayed out of it because it's not my kid to decide the discipline but when I saw and heard that it was going to far I stepped in and told her it was enough. She pulled a knife on me. She did not use it but had she been a little more tipped over she might have gone off the edge.

The last time I saw them, the kid was a young man. 15 himself. And he was angry. A product of his environment. The thing that everyone always loses sight of is that innocent babies don't stay innocent babies forever. In this case the kid was ruined and God only knows how he will deal with his manhood. How will he deal with his insecurities and fears. He's still in the ghetto. But those people are usually not real people to those who oppose abortion. They are statistics. Someone they see being arrested on the nightly news.

In my opinion, this woman should not have had that kid because kids are not for ruining. The act of abortion or the act of giving the kid a life of hell. If someone want's to prevent that kind of suffering, some see that as much as a moral choice.

Again, thank you Carrie for putting a real face to the issue. Other women can know they aren't alone hug
2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #9 posted 05/17/05 9:47am

lilgish

avatar

I have nothing to add on this subject, great thread, this is the reason why the org is amazing.

Every anti-womens rights orger should read this.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #10 posted 05/17/05 9:55am

DuckPurple

avatar

clappingclapping

You can change the world with honest communication.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #11 posted 05/17/05 10:01am

butterfli25

avatar

thanks for sharing Carrie hug That took guts to share. I appreciate it.
butterfly
We all should know that diversity makes for a rich tapestry, and we must understand that all the threads of the tapestry are equal in value no matter what their color.
Maya Angelou
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #12 posted 05/17/05 10:22am

TheResistor

avatar

Wow Carrie! Thank you so much for your courage and honesty in telling your story. You know, I drove a good friend of mine to the clinic years ago, walked passed hateful protesters, and just supported her through her ordeal (the boyfriend had skipped town at this point) drove her back home and just stayed with her and held her the entire night, until she cried herself to sleep. She also came from a middle class family, a college senior, very very intelligent and yes she made a mistake. I miss her sad
rainbow

"...literal people are scary, man
literal people scare me
out there trying to rid the world of its poetry
while getting it wrong fundamentally
down at the church of "look, it says right here, see!" - ani difranco
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #13 posted 05/17/05 10:35am

shanti0608

Thank you for sharing your story.
The only reason that my life story did not end up exactly same as your is due to luck!
I was a lot like you in many ways, abusive hurtful father figure until I was 12. My mom & I left and ran away to Florida, after that I had no father figure and a very emotionally broken mother to raise me.
I did things as I became 17 yrs old that could have caused me to end up pregnant. Hormones kicked in and took over as they did for most of my friends, even the ones from great families.I know 100% that I would have had an abortion if I had ended up in your situation.
I am so glad to hear your story and know that you are still alright with your decision.
Reading your story reminded me of something I have heard from many women. When I talk to women that had children when they were very young, they all say the same thing to me: "I love my kids but sometimes I wish I had done things differently, but I had no choice due to my parents and the shame of abortions back then". When I tell ppl that I do not want children, never have and I am almost 34 yrs old, many mothers say, "good for you, at least you are smart enough not to have any". What I am saying is that I have met women who love their children but many times feel like they made the wrong decision.
The Pro-Lifers often say that if you have an abortion that you will regret it later.
The facts that I have seen do not show that to be true.
I feel women should always have the choice!
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #14 posted 05/17/05 10:43am

SupaFunkyOrgan
grinderSexy

avatar

shanti0608 said:

The Pro-Lifers often say that if you have an abortion that you will regret it later.


And many times people regret later that they did have the kid. Having children is a life altering course. You have to be ready or as ready as you can get. Cuz once they're here, there's no going back. My sister has 3 kids and she has said the same thing to me. She wanted an abortion but my mother worked on her from the religious angle and my sister felt guilty like she was going to go to hell if she did it. She now says she should have just done whatever it took to have one because she has only struggled in her life for the past 13 years. Hopefully things will eventually get better for her but the childrens father is in jail.....again. neutral
2010: Healing the Wounds of the Past.... http://prince.org/msg/8/325740
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #15 posted 05/17/05 11:37am

Rhondab

Well, I've had an abortion and I did regret it later. But in most situations, when there is a stressful decision that has to be made, its interesting how "clear" we think later. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say.


I will go on record with saying that I am a pro-lifer who believes in choice. I believe in choice because the pro-life community, rhetoric, and beliefs do not take into account the mother's mental well-being. I"m not saying that women are crazy when they make the decision to abort BUT what I am saying is that women, sometimes under stress feel that this is the best decision for them, at the time. I was in an abusive relationship and I didn't see how I could bring a child into the situation. Hindsight, well yes, I could have fiqured out a way to have my child and leave the relationship safely. At the time, I didn't see it that way. I almost felt like i was protecting my child from the drama.

The pro-life movement needs to do a better job in advocating no only for the unborn but for the mother and not in a manner of guilt and lies and shame. Some women, who may want to have their child, need someone to help with see a way to have their child without the crap that ppl give you from receiving assistance.

You are made to feel like if you have the child and need public assistance that you are some horrible person but then if you abort, you're a horrible person. For some women, not all, this is the battle.

Thanks carrie for sharing!!! hug
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #16 posted 05/17/05 11:53am

CarrieMpls

Ex-Moderator

avatar

Rhondab said:

Well, I've had an abortion and I did regret it later. But in most situations, when there is a stressful decision that has to be made, its interesting how "clear" we think later. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say.


I will go on record with saying that I am a pro-lifer who believes in choice. I believe in choice because the pro-life community, rhetoric, and beliefs do not take into account the mother's mental well-being. I"m not saying that women are crazy when they make the decision to abort BUT what I am saying is that women, sometimes under stress feel that this is the best decision for them, at the time. I was in an abusive relationship and I didn't see how I could bring a child into the situation. Hindsight, well yes, I could have fiqured out a way to have my child and leave the relationship safely. At the time, I didn't see it that way. I almost felt like i was protecting my child from the drama.

The pro-life movement needs to do a better job in advocating no only for the unborn but for the mother and not in a manner of guilt and lies and shame. Some women, who may want to have their child, need someone to help with see a way to have their child without the crap that ppl give you from receiving assistance.

You are made to feel like if you have the child and need public assistance that you are some horrible person but then if you abort, you're a horrible person. For some women, not all, this is the battle.

Thanks carrie for sharing!!! hug


hug Thanks for sharing, too.

I agree, that public assistance for young/single/poor mothers should also somehow be taken into account in this whole debate. No woman should be made to feel any less of anything for needing help if she finds herself pregnant and now caring for more than herself.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #17 posted 05/17/05 12:00pm

sosgemini

avatar

hug

to all the woman within this thread (and in the world)....(to those who have choosen to have an abortion..and to those who havent)...


may you never ever have your rights taken away.....
Space for sale...
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #18 posted 05/17/05 12:17pm

Janfriend

Thank you for sharing your story Carrie. It did not change my stance against abortion, but made me see exactly why abortion needs to be regulated and why schools need to put a better emphasis on abstinence. I plan on starting a non-profit organization promoting abstinence. I knew girls in your situation from Jr. High and High School. Some had abortions, some kept their babies. I honestly don't know how something can be a mistake if you know ahead of time exactly what you are doing. I have real trouble with that.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #19 posted 05/17/05 12:35pm

XxAxX

avatar

sosgemini said:

hug

to all the woman within this thread (and in the world)....(to those who have choosen to have an abortion..and to those who havent)...


may you never ever have your rights taken away.....


to all the men who defend our right in this regard heart
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #20 posted 05/17/05 12:57pm

AnotherLoverTo
o

Not tryin' to speak for Carrie AT ALL, but based on the title of her thread, I don't think she's attempting to change anyone's mind on the issue of abortion. Seems to me, she just wants people to realize that when they call women who get an abortion "disgusting" or "irresponsible" or "lacking morals", they're saying this about someone's sister, mother, aunt, best friend, etc. They're saying it about women you meet everyday, women you really like as human beings, women you know and love.

Women like CarrieMpls, whom many of you have met in person.

Thanks, Carrie. hug

My mother had an abortion before she had me. She had the procedure done before it was legal, and without any painkiller other than alcohol. Luckily, her brother had a friend who was a medical student and he was able to safely perform the abortion so she didn't bleed to death or become infected.

My mother is also the face of abortion. nod
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #21 posted 05/17/05 1:22pm

CarrieMpls

Ex-Moderator

avatar

AnotherLoverToo said:

Not tryin' to speak for Carrie AT ALL, but based on the title of her thread, I don't think she's attempting to change anyone's mind on the issue of abortion. Seems to me, she just wants people to realize that when they call women who get an abortion "disgusting" or "irresponsible" or "lacking morals", they're saying this about someone's sister, mother, aunt, best friend, etc. They're saying it about women you meet everyday, women you really like as human beings, women you know and love.

Women like CarrieMpls, whom many of you have met in person.

Thanks, Carrie. hug

My mother had an abortion before she had me. She had the procedure done before it was legal, and without any painkiller other than alcohol. Luckily, her brother had a friend who was a medical student and he was able to safely perform the abortion so she didn't bleed to death or become infected.

My mother is also the face of abortion. nod


Thanks, ALToo. hug

That was exactly my intention. Just to put it out there. To make it personal.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #22 posted 05/17/05 1:30pm

dawntreader

avatar

Carrie... thank you! hug
yes SIR!
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #23 posted 05/17/05 7:28pm

Mach

i too had an abortion ... after 3 so called male "friends" thought it would be funny to hold me down and take turns "doin" me

it was the best thing to do at that time ...

i have no regret and i am at peace with myself for my choice


rose thank you Carrie for this thread



peace
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #24 posted 05/17/05 7:35pm

CarrieMpls

Ex-Moderator

avatar

Mach said:

i too had an abortion ... after 3 so called male "friends" thought it would be funny to hold me down and take turns "doin" me

it was the best thing to do at that time ...

i have no regret and i am at peace with myself for my choice


rose thank you Carrie for this thread



peace


omfg

Mach!

hug

I am so, so sorry to hear you had to go through such a torturous experience.

Sad thing is, I also know many women with similar stories to yours. sad When will the abuse of women end?
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #25 posted 05/17/05 8:01pm

ReturnOfDOOK

I know several people who have had abortions - I know it's not an easy decision. hug
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #26 posted 05/18/05 6:49am

Mach

CarrieMpls said:


omfg

Mach!

hug

I am so, so sorry to hear you had to go through such a torturous experience.

Sad thing is, I also know many women with similar stories to yours. sad When will the abuse of women end?


hug
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #27 posted 05/18/05 9:30am

DuckPurple

avatar

Mach said:

i too had an abortion ... after 3 so called male "friends" thought it would be funny to hold me down and take turns "doin" me

it was the best thing to do at that time ...

i have no regret and i am at peace with myself for my choice


rose thank you Carrie for this thread



peace

Wow

I was just happily reading through this thread when I came across this.
Have to admit it took my breath away, and left a pit in my stomach.

It caught me by surprise.
And the more I think about it, the happier I am with concise directness of the comment. It maintains an edge that I may have otherwise glossed over.

Thanks for sharing
I feel badly that anyone has to go through that.
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #28 posted 05/18/05 9:32am

Cloudbuster

avatar

XxAxX said:

sosgemini said:

hug

to all the woman within this thread (and in the world)....(to those who have choosen to have an abortion..and to those who havent)...


may you never ever have your rights taken away.....


to all the men who defend our right in this regard heart


thumbs up!
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Reply #29 posted 05/18/05 9:51am

shanti0608

Mach said:

i too had an abortion ... after 3 so called male "friends" thought it would be funny to hold me down and take turns "doin" me

it was the best thing to do at that time ...

i have no regret and i am at peace with myself for my choice


rose thank you Carrie for this thread



peace



I am so sorry for your experience!
It is such a shame that any human being would have to endure what you did and then have to be the one to deal with the consequences.
I was raped twice by my x-husband, again, I was lucky and did not get pregnant.

hug to all women that have to go through such horrible crimes!
  - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator
Page 1 of 9 123456789>
  New topic   Printable     (Log in to 'subscribe' to this topic)
« Previous topic  Next topic »
Forums > Politics & Religion > let's put a personal face on abortion, shall we?