Posh Spice has had her own affair to get back at Beckham. She claims that last month she slept with Michael Jackson.

Jackson denies it saying he was in Brooklyn at the time!

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at
another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,
and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until
suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is
Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of
Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks,smiles over at the
three men, and drinks the pints slowly,one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for
the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
arthritis
I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the
Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes
widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is
completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefit."

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe
rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she
thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.

Police have the solved the mystery of the 19 Chinese cockle pickers who
drowned at Morecombe. The Chinese were told to stop picking when the
water reached knee High. Unfortunately Nee Hi was waiting in the van.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, he cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'. Roland the class swot gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's Contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our Next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush and My Dad says "It will take the contagious"

just heard this on radio 1. Whats E.T short for?

polkadotsuit said:

I dont know, what is ET short for?

Oh this is one from childhood:



Ask me if I'm a tree.

smoo said:

Coz he's got little legs!
[This message was edited Wed May 26 6:14:47 2004 by polkadotsuit]

mochalox said:

I know I'll probably regret it but.....





Are you a tree ?

A couple of years ago, George Bush and Dick Cheyney were in a bar talking about Iraq.

The bartender overheard them and asked them what they were planning to do there.

Being drunk, they were talkative and Cheyney said, "We're gonna invade Iraq, and kill one million Iraqis. We're also gonna kill a blond with big tits."

The bartender asked, "Why are you gonna kill the blond with big tits?".

"See George", said Cheyney, "no one gives a shit about the Iraqis!"

AsylumUtopia said:

nope.

mochalox said:

Ah, just as I thought.


Well, just for that I'm going to subject you to some of the lamest jokes ever told :


What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.


How do you make a dog do metalwork?
Give him a kick in the balls and he'll make a bolt for the door.


What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.


What's pink and fluffy ?
Pink fluff.


This guy goes into a bakery and asks for some bread.
"Brown, white or multigrain?" asks the assistant.
"Oh it doesn't matter" replies the guy, "I've got my motorbike outside".


What do you call a girl with one leg leaning against a wall?
Eileen.


What do you call a girl with no legs leaning against a wall?
Noleen.


How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish.


How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two - one to screw it in, and one to stand there looking bored.


... and finally .....


How many Orgers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
101 - One to hold the lightbulb and 100 to lift up the house and turn it around.

Why did the punk cross the road?

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-'cuz he was stapled to the chicken!

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?"

A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The priest says "waitaminnit! Is this a bloody joke??"

Jesus is out preaching to the multitudes when he stumbles across some folks about to stone a prostitute to death. He stops them, and says "let any among you who has never sinned cast the first stone". Suddenly, a woman steps out of the crowd, grabs a huge rock, and bashes the prostitute over the head with it. Jesus looks at her and says "y'know, sometimes you really piss me off mom!!!"

Knock knock.

EvilWhiteMale said:

Can't you see the no soliciting sign?? Now get off the lawn or I get the hose!!!

here's one....

WHAT HAS A TRUNK IN THE FRONT,A TRUNK IN THE MIDDLE AND A TRUNK IN THE BACK?


1(AN ELEPHANT)
2(A TREE)
3(A CAR)

or how about these..

YOUR FRIEND IS SO DUMB THAT WHEN THEY SAW THE MOVIE "JUICE" THEY BROUGHT A CUP!

I SAW SOMEBODY KICKING A CAN DOWN THE STREET. I ASKED WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND THEY SAID"MOVING"!