I'm gonna go for my first locked thread ever!

Ahem:

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town...
"Where's the god dam, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking, dingo-titted, arse wipe?" he politely inquires to one of the waiters.
The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".
"I want to see the cunt, and I want to see the cunt now!", replies the man, staring wildly at the waiter.
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the fucking tossy manager of this twat-hole joint?".
"Yes sir, I am", replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private and exclusive restaurant".
"Fuck off, quim-face ", replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon ?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well, are you? You little piece of snivelling shit, show us your pissing piano or I'll fucking twat you."
"Ahhhh !" replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano.
"Can you play any blues?".
"Of course I can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy blues that the manager has ever heard.
"That's superb. What's it called?"
"I want to fuck your wife on the sofa, but the springs keep sticking in me knob," replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.
The bloke proceeds, playing the most rhythmically complex jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent !" cries the manager "What's it called?"
"I tried to wank over the washing' machine but my testicles got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads,
The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody that brings a tear to his eye and a lump into his throat. "That's beautiful, what's that called?" asks the manager.
"As I bonk you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece" replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language, but his music is so good he offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night the bloke is playing his piano and sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her breasts are falling out the top of her tight lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is showing clearly through the tight material over her pert bottom.
She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the pianist and he stops playing and runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.
He's pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice: "Where's that bloody pianist gone?".
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.
The blonde gets up off her bar-stool and walks seductively over to the piano, leans over in front of him and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping cum onto your shoes?".
The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it!".

Ya chickens!:

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue, and shit on the carpet."

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!

Two dyslexics are standing in the kitchen. one says to the other

"can u smell gas?"

the other one replies

"no way, i cant even smell my name."

lalala

A teacher was talking to her class and she asks them if anyone knows what Contagious meant, immediatley Roland the class swot gets up and says,

" last year i got measles and my mum said it was contagious"

"well done" says the teacher "can anyone else try"

little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent

" Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious"

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

JDINTERACTIVE said:

Hooray!

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive???

Popeye beat the shit out of him!

One for the UK'ers:

An Italian, a Frenchman and a Yorkshireman in a bar,
the Italian says: “When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa SIX inches abova da bed in ecstasy”.

The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats TWELVE inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.

The Yorkshireman says, "That's nowt'. When 've finished shaggin' me bird, I get out ta bed, walk over t'window and wipe me knob on the curtains. She hits the fuckin' roof".