Two guys go camping in the mountains for a few days, and after a while they start fighting all the time which makes the trip not so fun. So they decide to split up for a day and meet again in the evening.
The evening comes and they meet again. One asks "so how was your day?"
"Oh, it was fantastic. I went down a canyon, and saw this beautiful medow, with lovely flowers, and butterflies all around. then I went to a small lake with cool crystal clear water and swam nude, and there was even a deer there drinking from the water. And how was your day?"
"Oh, it was lovely. I saw a railroad, followed it, suddenly I saw this woman tied to the roads. I untied her and then we had sex all day, every position possible, except for oral."

"Why not oral?"

"Well, because I couldn't find her head."
[This message was edited Sat Apr 24 7:34:03 2004 by MrSoundMan]

that's naaaasty.

A man and his wife are going on a trip. Suddenly the woman can't stand it anymore and says "that's it! I've decided to get a divorce!"
The man hears her and starts to speed up to 90.
The woman says "and I'll take the house."
The man speeds up to 100.
"Oh, and I'm going to take all the furniture, too"
The man speeds up to 110.
"Actually, I'll take everything you own!"
The man speeds up to 120, still not saying a word.

The woman asks "Don't you have anything to say about it?"

He answers "No, I have all I need."

She asks "But I'm gonna take everything away from you, so what do you have?"

He answers "Air bags."

A man goes to the final football game of the season, and he sees that all the seats are already taken.
He looks at his tickets and he realizes that his seat is way back in some dark corner.
Suddenly he spots an empty space close to the field. he goes there and asks the man who seats next to it "is this seat taken?"
The man answers "No, you can have it. Actually it's mine, I was planning to bring my wife to the game, but she died."
"Wow, sorry to hear that. but couldn't you find anyone else in the family to come here with you?"

The man answers "I tried, but they're all at the funeral."
[This message was edited Sat Apr 24 6:33:37 2004 by MrSoundMan]

An Israeli, an English man and an African American are on a plane. Suddenly the pilot come out to them and says "We've got a problem, we are too heavy and one of you has to jump.
Everybody's poiting to the African American.
The pilot says "Shame on you! that's racism!!! Ok, I'm gonna ask each of you a question, and the person who will not answer right, will jump."
He goes to the English man and asks "Which Princess died not long ago?" The English man answers "Diana"
He goes to the Israeli "Who is your prime minister?" The Israeli answers "Ariel Sharon"
He goes to the African American and asks "how many people are in China?"
The man scratches his head and answers "2,384,548,345".
The pilot says "No, I want names!!!"

A teacher asks her students one day to ask their parent to tell them a story with a moral.
The next day they start telling the stories.
She turns to Sam and asks for a story. "One day we were on our way back from the market after buying eggs, suddenly the basket fell and all the eggs broke. and the moral is - never put all of your eggs in one basket."
"That is good Sam, well done" say the teacher.
The teacher turns to Judy for a story "We also went to the market with our chickens, and we had 10 eggs from them, but only 8 hatched. So the moral is - never count your chickens before they hatched."
"Great moral!" says the teacher.
She turns to Billy for a story "Well, my dad told me that Aunt Ruth was in the military, and went to the gulf war. One day her plane was hit and she only had on her a bottle of whiskey, and an uzi. So she jumped off her plane, drank all the whiskey so the bottle won't break in the fall, then landed around 100 enemies, killed 70 of them with the uzi and the rest she fought bare handed and killed them all."
The teacher is shocked! "what a horrible story. what kind of moral can this story have?!"

Billy answers "Dad says the moral of the story is - Stay away from Aunt Ruth when she's drunk."

A man walks in a bar and sees two familiar faces. he goes to the bartender and asks "aren't those Bush and Powell?" The bartender nods.
The man goes to them and says "Hey fellas, what are you up to?"
Bush answers "We're planning world war III"
The man is shocked. then asks "so what have you come up with so far?"
Bush answers "We're going to kill 140,000 Afgans and a bicycle rider."
The man is confused and asks "A bicycle rider?"
The bush turns to Powell and says "see? I Told you no one would care about the 140,000 Afgans!"

A CNN reporter went to Israel to find a good story.
She hears about a man who goes to the Western Wall of Herod's temple in Jerusalem twice a day to pray, and still does so even with everything that goes around.
She goes to the Western Wall and sees the man. She waits till he finishes his prayer then turns to him "Hi, I'm Rebecca from CNN, can I ask how long have you been praying?"
He answers "50 years, so far"
"And what are you praying for?"
"World peace, no more wars and only friendships between all."
"And what are you feeling after 50 years of prayers?"
"Feels like I'm talking to a brick wall."