I was abducted by overweight aliens.



I was beamed up into a spaceship and probed by alien hands. The aliens started this examination by first probing my eye with what looked and felt like an over ripe banana. After they seemed satisfied that they had examined my eye thoroughly, they then then moved on to my feet. Upon smothering my feet with a Raspberry jam like substance they proceeded to take numerous photographs from various angles of my left foot. I tried to help them out by pointing my toes this way and that, they seemed pleased and ommited gurgling sounds periodically . Just then, I heard a huge crashing sound and as I turned to look behind me I saw various Orgers had burst through the door armed with catapults and plastic cutlery. After a lengthy stand off (of about 6 hours) by which time I was so hungry my feet had started to look like freshly made toast, I was whisked away by the victorious Orgers who had overcome the aliens with brute force and heavy breathing. I was taken to a room where I was greeted by more Orgers, there seemed to be a fancy dress party taking place. Over in the corner, wearing a Toga and sandals, and clutching a plate of quiche and bean sprouts, stood...

Continue the story...

...an enormous Chicken, but with the face of HandsClaps. Well, that just freaked me out, i can tell you. Especially since she was clutching beansprouts - i thought everybody hated those horrible pulses. Just as I was about to ask her about the quiche, a booming voice said, "Prepare the victim for analysis by Quiche." I struggled and screamed and begged not to be affronted by the cheese and egg mixture. Just then...

Cloudbuster teleported in, drooling al over the floor, screaming : What are you listening to?, before he teleported his ass right outta the spaceship. Meanwhile...

That ripe banana Lleena felt was the detached tongue of the overweight alien queen. That jelly like substance was actual jelly. The queen, angry that her fresh human dinner had been whisked away stuffed her tongue back in her mouth so she could scream her orders. Her warriors left to find the succulent Lleena....

...who was still trying to avoid the ensuing Quiche. "Let me go and i'll pay you thruppence!" i screamed at the warriors who closed in, murmuring in unison, "Lleena - your name will be "Quicheena" once we're through with you." Like rainfall on a summer's day, my saviour came in the form of a tiny Frog wearing a black hat. He hopped onto the Quiche and began singing an aria from La Traviata. Alas, he was squashed in an instant by a piece of ham falling from the Quiche.

What could I do? Well, what happened then was to change my life forever....

One of the warriors was clutching a tome to his bosom and refused to part with it even though I threatened him with a hedgehog that I had found lurking in Alfomelmak's underwear drawer. A struggle ensued, and I managed to wrestle the book from him, at which point the warrior ran southward to get help. I opened the book and on the first page was a clue to the whereabouts of the golden Quiche, It said " la la la he he he, " what could this possibly mean I asked myself?" Suddenly, Supa and TheFrog appeared from around a corner, both looking respledndent in a pair of ripped jeans and a tight tshirt, "follow us, they said." We arrived a few minutes later and knocked on a door.....

F*ck off an uppity british voice shouted, "I'm piercing all cavities I can find !"
We knocked again.
No answer.
So... we knocked again.
Again, no answer.

Things started to look desperate, because the warrior had returned with laser-saber carrying buddies. I'll know what to do, said Supa, and he started to undress. Lleena averted her gaze, just in time to see...

that while Supa was undressing, the door had opened and as they entered the room, the stench of rotten cabbage and cheese hit us like Prince slapping himself on a lonely night. Sitting in a throne at the opposite end of the room was a guy wearing a crown - well I say guy, it was more of a newt, really. The smell was visibly emanating from his armpits - literally visibly in the manner of a yellow-green cloud.

"Who are you, and what do you have to do with the Quiche?" I asked.

"Lleena, all will be revealed shortly," said the smelly newt.

"Why are we both having to share this pair of ripped jeans and t-shirt?" said Supa. "Can you get me out - The Frog has a wind problem."

It was then that Smelly Newt removed his face and proved to be an ORGER. That Orger was...
[This message was edited Tue Apr 13 11:32:08 2004 by TheFrog]

ALTHOM ! WTF are you doing in a Smelly Newt suit. Oh and btw could you please refrain from allowing TMBGITW stinking up your armpits {shudder}. But now that you're here, do you and Stripped Supa know how to avert our wicked warriors ? Sure, Althom and Stripped Supa harmoniously agreed. Follow us to this trap-door where we...

...will descend to the Secret Chamber 'neath the Org proper. It is here where Quicheena will have her final undoing. It is here where all will be revealed. So the wet newt smell dissipated like sweat off Mayte, and the Frog's wind problem was finally no more, as suddenly from out the shadows emerged...

2the9s carrying a bowl of fruit. "Would you like an apple Lleena?" he asked in his dulcet tones. I viewed his attire suspiciously, "that looks like my dress you have on, is it?." 2the9s blushed and changed the subject. The group of orgers continued down the tunnel...

with 2the9s, by now dressed as a pregnant Pineapple. Suddenly the lights dimmed and all exits from the room they were in shut. Turning to me (Lleena, that is), 2the9s said, "Fool!! Bwah, hah, hah!!! It was me all along, Lleena. I arranged for your abduction, as you well know."

"I couldn't care less who abducted me, I just want to get back to the probing," I said (I being Lleena, that is) as I licked my lips.

"That cannot be," said 2the9s in a voice which sounded uncannily like Barbara Streisand. "For first, I must explain to you what, "La la la, hee hee hee" means.

"Get on with it then!" I exclaimed.

At that point 2the9s went over to the piano and, opening its lid, revealed another Orger, who went, "Ta-da!!!!" in a really annoying way. That Orger was, of course...

[This message was edited Tue Apr 13 13:31:00 2004 by TheFrog]

...bkw who was under there drinking like a fish and hoping to catch a glance up Quicheena's dress. So they rolled him out, sobered him up and allowed him to join their merry band. As the ever growing group of Orgers proceeded down the tunnel, it began to get dark and damp, like the inside of...

this is supposed to come after TheFrog's post:

.....minneapolisgenius who is holding a tray of fresh pooptoast because she is expecting Cloudbuster over for lunch that day. She made it special, just for him.

*ding-dong* echoed the doorbell from the end of the long corridor. MinnieG scrambles out of the piano and bolts for the door, almost losing her grip on the tray because her Smart Wool socks are dangerously slippery on the marble floor.

She slides by the front door, skidding to a perfect halt and throws the door open in joyous anticipation of Cloudy's arrival. She has waited months for this moment, but her face falls when she sees that he has brought Marrk along.

"Hey Minnie, sorry I'm late." says Cloudbuster coolly as he breezes past her with Marrk in tow. "Say, I hope you don't mind, but I already had plans with Marrk and I really couldn't cancel." he says, and she sees a secret, meaningful glance pass between the two men.

"Anyway" he continues, "I just wanted to stop by and say a quick 'hello' before we go. I, uh, have the car running so I really can't stay.....you know how it is....." he trails off.

Marrk hums "Billie Jean" softly to himself, with a sort of sweet, maniacal smile on his face the whole while. Minnie flicks her eyes quickly out the window at Cloudy's car and suddenly everything becomes clear to her. She feels as though she has been kicked by a horse, and the onset of a panic attack threatens. That momentary glance into his car revealed just what she had feared: Marrk's Michael Jackson blow-up doll propped up in the back seat. It appeared that he had invited Cloudbuster to one of his infamous Marrk and MJ orgies.

"Look, I'll catch ya later Minnie." he says quickly as he gives her a hasty peck on the cheek, but as he turns to go, his elbow hits her tray of pooptoast sending the freshy made delicacies scattering everywhere, finally landing face-down on the cold floor.

"Oh, man....hey I'm sorry about that. Did you make those for me? Thanks. Anyway, we gotta jet." he says and Marrk says nothing because he has moved on to mumbling "Man in the Mirror" as they make their way out the door.

Minneapolisgenius is left staring dumbly after them as a tear slips down her cheek. "Who gives a shit!" she thinks, trying to convince herself that it doesn't bother her. She runs to the kitchen and starts frantically searching for her address book in the telephone drawer. She finds it and thumbs through the pages, finally settling on the number she's looking for: EllisDee #867-5309.....

Her fingers punch in the numbers, as she tries to compose herself.....

Her fingers punch in the numbers, as she tries to compose herself she changes her mind and starts wanking a dog off instead. Suddenly...



.
[This message was edited Tue Apr 13 14:25:28 2004 by Cloudbuster]

She realises that the dog is in fact Cloudbuster. Horrified, she grabs a bottle of whisky and announces, "I'm not sure what this has got to do with Lleena being abducted by aliens, but that's no excuse for this outrage, Cloudy!"

Slapping Cloudbuster across the face with the bottle, she runs for the nearest...

.
[This message was edited Tue Apr 13 14:32:22 2004 by TheFrog]

for the nearest plastic surgeon where she plans to have.....

...a poo. Only Pej's exploding head could rectify the situation but he was...

breaking down a door, behind which were a bunch of confused orgers. "What the fuck are you doing here?" asked 2the9s, who was leading the rabid pack. "We're trying to find the damn meaning behind Quiche."

"Aaah, said Pej, well Lleena must listen to this, and listen well. The..."

"Orger Cloudbuster is embroiled in a tussle with Christopher over the plate of fries that MinneG had made." The Orgers pondered this and gathered in a group, they decided it was time to arm themselves with weapons. I volunteered to lead the party to find some, but TheFRog objected, stating that I had a funny accent and that nobody would understand a word I said. I shot him a filthy look, which he seemed to like. Eventually it was decided that nobody should lead. We continued on our way to find some weapons and who should we bump into, but...

hilary clinton! attired in her reddest of power suits she wanted to swap dresses with 2the9s, a proposition to which he readily agreed. but by then the dress was hopelessly stretched to a mannish size and drooped where it ought not to have, exposing the former first lady in ways unmentionable. ms. clinton was hideously embarrassed* and screamed that she wanted her power suit back. but 2the9s was nowhere to be seen. and ms. clinton swore she would avenge herself by . ..


*get it? em bar assed?
[This message was edited Tue Apr 13 15:58:41 2004 by XxAxX]

teaming up with the obese Alien queen. Nobody defiles the communist queen's reddest power outfit. Nobody. Hilary used her congressional powers to draft a law right there on the spot making 9s the #1 enemy of the United World of the Obese Alien Queen and authorized a reward of 1,000,000 steaming quiches, fresh from the underams of the smelly newt. Just as Hilary marked the bill with her signature of approval....

A scantily clad orger (bkw) entered the room. He had been sent on a mission by his fellow Orgers to snare the alien queen and Hilary in a trap. "Hello ladies," he growled, and walked across the room to them in a manly fashion. "Why hello, tiger," replied Hilary, who undid the top button of her blouse and hitched up her skirt in a manner more befitting of althom, than a former first lady. The Queen looked on with an air if cynicism, she had seen bkw in his tiger skin thong before. "WE know you have been sent by your fellow Orgers to trap us," spitted the queen, "the thong trick isn't going to work anymore," she hissed. Bkw turned on his heels and darted out of the door, "Oh shit, now what?" he muttered to himself. Just then althom appeared clad in a Gold bikini, "not you too?" asked bkw, "yes, I have come to trick the ladies into handing over the key to the room that holds the mighty golden Quiche," replied althom, "oh lord, you're really gonna impress them looking like that," bkw laughed. As they turned to head back to their fellow orgers, Pej appeared. I know where the key is, follow me, he said. They followed him..

...when they disappeared around the corner Pej took the opportunity to slip his hands inside althom's thong... the front of althom's thong. Wide-eyed, althom said "What on earth are you doing, Pej??" Pej winked and said "I'm looking for the Quiche thing heh heh" Pej kept fishing around for an uncomfortably long time, then said "Hmmm, not only can't I find the Quiche thing, but I can't find...

.....Into a dark room, the door closed behind them, they couldn't see anything, all of a sudden, blue and pink lights stuck, a disco ball come out of the sealing, music hit with the Village people "YMCA" these man in hotpants came running at them , Pej turned 2 look at them, with a a cocktail in he's hand, and said " Welcome boys 2 club Tropicana ".....

2the9s said:

damn i wanted 2 go there

andykeen said:

want to have a hot oil wrestling contest?

not only can't I find the Quiche thing, but I can't find anything related to gonadal luggage. I'm an aussie Pej, yelled althom, after a couple of coldies an hour every day, all we got hanging in the front of a thong is as gut as big as the room Byron keeps his photos in; and you can feel around all you like but I ain't cracking a fat. So stop fiddling around and tell us where we're going.
Okay, Pej sighed with a shiver of disappointment in his voice, we're heading to...

...the pub.

Now that pej and althom had stopped their incessant fondling of each other, attention turned to more important matters; namely, what the fuck this story is all about.

"It's about me," I said (I being Lleena again). "It's about me and my quest to find a Quiche, kill the obese Queen and get back to some hardcore probing."

The troupe of Orgers made their way to the pub, but unfortunately found it closed. On the heavy wooden door hung a sign saying, "Closed due to toilet flooding".

"Damn," I said. "AlfofMelmak must have been here already - always leaves a trail of enormous faece-induced flooded toilets."

Having given up on a drink, the abominable troupe of smelly orgers made their way back towards the spaceship, determined finally to complete their quest.

Just then...

this is a mess of a story!!

THE END