two women that your family wants you to start dating for marriage. Both are nice, very smart and have very good jobs. One is a doctor and the other is involved in medical research. The problem is I'm not really into either of the these women. They both have qualities that I like but there are things about them that I don't care for. I just can't place it.
Who should I chose? Should I chose the one who has the least amount of things I don't like?
Recently another women was brought into the picture and I think she is really nice. My family on both sides don't care for her at all. She doesn't have a good job at all, she has a child from a prior man and she has SO MUCH BAGGAGE from problems with her childhood to her recent failure with her past relationship. Her family background isn't within the standard of what both sides of my family are used to so that doesn't help either. I'm not even sure how she feels about me. Most likely she is could be interested but regardless of this she has to go through with it.
My family is so used to all marriages coming from the areas where the two women that are ok are from. To go in the other direction with the third women would go against all tradition. If I was to chose this lady it would be considered a waste by both sides of the family because she has no chance of getting acceptance from the majority of the family. (I have a very large family, I'm Indian and with this goes the fact that everyone has something to say) Everyone in my family agrees that it would be a waste if I started to date this women and everyone in the family agree that I should chose between the other two. I could learn to enjoy either of the women that my family wants me to be with and it would make eveyone happy including the women. What do you think the right choice is?

mrbungle said:

Only 1 thing i can say mrbungle:
follow ur heart and 4get abt the 2 women ur family wants u 2 b with

and good luck

The answer isn't in anything you have written above! Though I suspect you already know that. Ask yourself... Do you wish your life to be yours or to end up feeling like you are serving a Life sentence?


There is a solution hold out for it..... settling won't produce a life you can stand. ( That is clear in what you have written..)

Personally, I would choose whomever I fell in love with and could see myself having a future with. If that happened to be none of the three mentioned then so be it.

.
[This message was edited Fri Mar 12 8:48:47 2004 by shausler]

I say screw the family, find your own woman.

That's very difficult, Mr Bungle. I know where you're coming from and i know the enormous pressures you'll be under if you did simply do what you wanted to do.

I guess it all comes down to whether you genuinely have feelings for this new woman, and how relaxed your parents and aunties etc. are (or would be, once reality had sunken in). Breaking the mold ain't always a bad thing, and people can come round to your way of thinking but it may take time. Is there a sense of urgency here?

But one thing i would say is don't let something special escape, buddy.

TheFrog said:

I'm not really sure if something is special. I really don't know any of them that well. I could learn to be happy with the two my family likes but if I go the other direction it would be considered a waste considering no one likes her.

mrbungle said:

i think you'll know if something is special.

You probably could learn to be happy with the other two - worked for millions in the past after all, but on the other hand you may not end up happy, and end up resenting the decision you felt you had to make. That's just a risk you have to decide whether you're willing to take. Truth is though, if there's no urgency then i'd chill. You may fall in love tomorrow. Is there some serious pressure to get moving now?

I also think the new lady's wishes need to be considered. If she's into you enough to say, "Fuck all the grief which might come our way", then that should give you some strength, you know?

TheFrog said:

I feel she is down for the cause and that she wants whats best for all.

Let me give you a little advice from someone whose been serving a 15 years sentence...Don't EVER EVER settle. Follow your heart.. Your family is not the ones who will be with this person day in and day out..IF you find some one who makes you truly happy then that is who you should be with.. If I had just listened to friends I would not be in the mess I am in now. So don't be like me( a fool) do what you want not what everyone expects. And in the long run if your family sees you're happy then they also will be happy for you!

eversolesa said:

What if you know you could learn to like/love either of the 2 my family wants and with this I know it won't be considered a waste? Even with this I would think the other women would be in the back of my mind.
[This message was edited Fri Mar 12 9:06:38 2004 by mrbungle]

bungle touchy
[This message was edited Sat Mar 13 7:52:49 2004 by IAmTheTouch]

That's easy. Marry a man.

mrbungle said:

Sweetie you just answered your question.lol She would still be in the back of your mind. All I can say is don't settle. It's not worth it. And if you don't already like/love this person ,learning or Forcing yourself to feel something you don't will only make you misarable.Trust me I know lol

okay, for what it's worth, i'm going to be totally honest here.

i've been in a serious relationship with an Anglo-Indian for over 5 years now, and the amount of grief that person has had from their family has been enormous (obviously i'm white so that spunked in their coffee from the get-go). This person's family are hardcore - and i mean hard-fucking-core about tradition and all. But slowly - and i mean re-he-heeal slowly, they're coming round.

But if you feel something is right, i think you have to go for it or you'll regret it. You may learn to love one of the other two but it may be a wholly different type of love. If you prioritise your family's wishes over your instincts, then that's fine, and in a way it's very commendable. But unless there's a real pressure, don't rush into making a decision. It must be a terrible situation to be in, and i don't envy you one bit - Lord knows it's been hard for my partner (and from my perspective i can tell you that it kinda grates knowing that you're disapproved off the whole time). On the other hand, one of my closest friends here in London is a wonderful girl who has decided that she wants to follow a traditional path, which is cool and we're all delighted for her. But then she has never really been "in love", whatever that is.

I really feel for you, man. I really do. Hope things turn out well - i'm sure they will.

I'd say, get to know all three of them before you diside anything and ofcouse be honest to all of them. Hope that helps

mrbungle said:

If you don't know any of them that well, you shouldn't be planning on "spending your life" with any of them!

hey bro...parents trying to get you hitched? i know the feeling

You don't chose to marry someone you can learn to like or love.....you marry someone you already love. Parents may not agree with the choice you make.....but if they love you and support you then it will all be good. Only you can make the final choice.....be that what it is.....as long as you are happy then that is truly all that matters.

This isn't a thread about women it's about Geroge Bush, John Kerry and Ralph Nader

Why do you have to choose?

Do you not control your life? Take your time. One day you will meet someone special and you will get married when you are ready. Don't get married coz others want you to or the marriage will not work.

mrbungle said:

LOL!!

Well if that's the case, I think U should vote 4 the Marijuana party candidate!

If U're kidding, I say, get to know the first two better. The one with the baggage...I would say stay away from her. I know that women like taht can be REALLY hard to live with. From experience. And hey, if none of this works for your family, you can always use those words that will get you out of ANY situation: "I AM GAY!"

mrbungle said:

LMAO

mrbungle said:

Once you decide wether you want to choose then you have chosen. Once you have chosen then you are a chooser. If your choice chews their food as a horse would chew cashews, then the one you chose has chosen to be a loser.