okay i finally bought a cellphone. i didn't think i would ever and i've been resisting but i did and now it's a fact. i hear it starts small like this. next thing you know i'll be all jacked up like johnny mnemonic or neo. .
it's mostly just for my car, so i don't get stuck somewhere without backup.

anyway i'm new at this whole thing and i admit i'm a little nervous. but i've been observing others who have cellphones and i think i've got the knack of it. perhaps with a little practice i too can be one of the cool people taking and making calls on the street, at the movies, libraries and in concerts.

all i have to do to fit right in is to 'shout' my words into the cellphone and be sure to discuss completely intimate topics no matter where i am or what's going on around me. i will try to remember always to use *both* hands to take incoming calls when i'm driving and steer with my knees meanwhile not slowing down a bit. oh~! and i must remember to program my non-stop ringtone to the 'barney song' or maybe to a classic like the theme from jeopardy.

how am i doing so far? does anyone have any other cell-phone tips for me??? appreciate any suggestions.

Make sure to leave it on while you're in the movies, no matter how many times you're warned to turn the thing off beforehand...that's always a winner in my book.

Blast the stereo in your car while talking, also don't forget to cut your friends off in mid sentence to answer a call, they'll love you for this.

You know, one thing that I hate about some mobile phone users is the way that they allow the caller on their phones to take priority.

I'm a mobile phone user, but it definitely takes second-place in my life. If somebody calls me whilst I'm doing something else; whether that be in a meeting or just at the checkout in a shop, I make damn sure that I cancel the call and then call them back later. It's just plain rude to take a call whilst you're interacting with somebody else.

Oh, and by the way, don't forget to lose interest in the english language when texting people.

Dat wont be poss 2morrow. Im C ing dave. Txt U soon. Luv Haystack.

When you're at a store ordering something or you're placing a food order at a restaurant, never forget: THE CASHIER COMES SECOND TO YOUR CELL PHONE CONVERSATION. Really, they don't mind. The fact that you're describing a Buffy rerun to your mom instead of treating the counterperson with common courtesy is a GOOD THING.

Anxiety said:

this is OBVIOUSLY good advice, as i am a buffy fan!!!

thanks you guys. this is all great advice and i know i'm gonne get the hang of it all. say, is it all right to point the cell phone at another person like it's a remote control and click it repeatedly while muttering 'why won't that damn thing turn off'??

Ooh, ooh, don't forget; when you get a new phone, find a public place where people can't escape (a train, a bus or a quiet restaurant) and play with your new ringtones on the loudest possible volume setting. Other people just love to hear muzak-esque versions of popular songs and sing-a-long classics.

Haystack said:

Really, you should never even be on your cell phone unless you're right next to someone else, preferably a stranger, and preferably on a train or in a bus, where they can't get away from you, as Haystack so astutely pointed out.

oops, sorry...my signal dropped out
[This message was edited Wed Feb 11 16:18:25 PST 2004 by Anxiety]

I'm still holding out. No cell phone for the lovemachine

Anxiety said:

it might not be a bad idea for me to involve as many people around me as i can in my conversations:

"hello?" i'm new at this, i've never used this phone before where's the volume on this thing? i need to turn it way up. does anyone here know how the volume on this thing works??
"i'm fine, yeah running a little late" i bet i'm not the only one running late cause this bus is moving really slow, hey mister? yeah you, you running late today too?"

lovemachine said:

I went on a date with someone recently who lectured me on my non-cell phone status - "in this day and age, HOW can you not own a cell phone? Did you think it was just a passing fad? How do people contact you when you're not at home or at work?"

Although I am *BEGRUDGINGLY* considering getting a cell phone this year, there will NOT be a second date with cell phone man.

Anxiety said:

He gave you an anxiety attack?

Still, I too held out for quite a few years on getting a cell phone because I was disgusted by people's bad manners in using them - and I still am, but my work kinda demands me having one, so... I finally had to give in and get one.

Don't forget that when you are on a bus or train, when somebodys phone goes off, to start rummaging through your bag, along with about 10 other people, and then suddenly remember thats not your ring tone!

!
[This message was edited Wed Feb 11 17:25:29 PST 2004 by Lleena]

When entering a nice restaurant, make sure to already be on the phone talking when you do...it will make you look cool and important, and everyone loves thinking that they're dining at the same restaurant as someone important!

Byron said:

Also, when your phone does ring, be sure to make hand gestures as if you are talking to them face to face!

Use the earpiece/microphone attachment, then stare at strangers as you talk to your friends on the phone...it'll make others think you're actually talking to them...everyone loves that..

scififilmnerd said:

Yeah, I was anxious to attack his obnoxious ass.

Byron said:

These are great accessories, because people can play that game where they guess whether you're a schizophrenic homeless person or just a dork on a cell phone mic.

Plus, nothing is sexier than someone talking into a piece of wire. I'm getting hot just thinking about it.

i highly recommend a NEXTEL. its two-way function ensures that the people at the next table during lunch don't have to just IMAGINE the other part of the conversation, they can hear your boss, in a very static-y tone, razz you about your lunch hour, choice of restaurant, meal selection, your work project status, the status of other colleagues in their quest for a mid-day meal, and ETA back at work. it's always such a joy to be privy to such important conversations!



grammar teacher edit
[This message was edited Wed Feb 11 17:43:25 PST 2004 by IAmTheTouch]

Make sure you have one of those annoying ring tones too!

If you have caller ID and it's althom, drop your phone on the ground immediately, stand well back, tell people not to approach it and call the police from a pay phone.



....
[This message was edited Wed Feb 11 17:49:31 PST 2004 by Lleena]

<-- calling Lleena

Why won't she pick up?

Where ringtones are concerned, might I suggest "Ode to Joy" or any tune used in a Mafia movie soundtrack?

Guaranteed KLASSY.

Anxiety said:

I kind of like "I Was Made For Loving You" by Kiss.

Anxiety said:

I did this last week to a cashier when buying a pair of shoes. I felt pretty crappy about it later. Oh well.

If you're in a restaurant or other closed-in public place, and nobody calls you, then you make sure to call someone!...Never pass up the opportunity to have a cell phone convo in public, even if you have to initiate it...waiting until a more appropriate time is unnecessary...most people love knowing you feel so comfortable around them.

Make sure that if you're dining at a restaurant with someone dear that you spend the whole evening sending text messages.

I didn't see this one mentioned - VOLUME. The ring tone and message tone must be set to the maximum volume. It's courteous to let everybody know you've got a call. Just in case they don't latch on make sure to wait ten or twenty seconds before picking up the call.

bkw said:

Jerk.

Byron said:

And if you run out of people to call, your antenna can double as a nipple - just suck on it until you feel sufficiently gratified.