Message From: HR1916
Time Received: Mon Jan 19 2004 2:35 PM
Message To: CG2574

Message:
New HR Policies

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor as proof of sickness. I f you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breech of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days per year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
The vacation days are as follows: Jan 1, July 4, and Dec 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for you dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough

OUT DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future we will follow the process of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with “A” will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with “B” will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors, in writing, must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes and alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain the average figure
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast™ and take a diet pill

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350.00 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600.00 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise


Thank you for all your loyalty. As always, I am here to provide a positive employment experience. See someone else with respect to all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, and consternations.

Thank you,

HR1916



I think I'm gonna quit

Are you serious??

If you are, then you should quit immediately, and go kick whoever wrote this nonsense's ass!
[This message was edited Wed Jan 21 23:33:14 PST 2004 by kiss85]

JanfriendToTheMax said:

Excuse my French, but what the fuck?!!?!?!?

'Dear Sir,

Please may I be excused for 1st February 2004 as I think I'm going to die. As such, I have recently been training my pet lizard, 'Eddie' to take over my position on my time of death.

Yours Sincerely

JD

Damn, I would not get a raise in a milion years !

i love HR departments with a good sense of humour.

obviously this is a joke memo

very funny...however it does sound vaguely familiar to my possibly soon to be ex-job.

i am 30 years old and i have to bring in a doctor note everytime i am sick yet i don't get paid for my sick time. i also have to write down when i use the washroom because i have to be able to account for every minute i am away from my desk. anything more than 10minutes extra a day (above and beyond my break times) is excess.
maybe a lay-off won't be too bad!!!


[This message was edited Fri Jan 23 5:27:52 PST 2004 by lillith]
[This message was edited Fri Jan 23 5:28:30 PST 2004 by lillith]

You're joking right? Maybe it is time to rethink a new job or career

This was a joke memo, not sent by my HR department, but passed around from coworker to coworker. I was laughing so hard, I got teary-eyed