I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I don't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, and hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

lawd!

bloody great !

I love it !

thanks for the early christmas presemnt

Y'know Spike, I think that time as an incorporeal being really affected your head!

Great story! I recommend only buying one monkey at a time, however. If it dies, then you have much less mess. Either that, or get yourself a Mogwai. They're much more intelligent, and friendly. Just don't expose them to bright light, get them wet, or feed them after midnight and you'll be okay.

JediMaster said:

thanks for the advice, i will try and be more careful next time and not be so greedy.

Manda2003 said:

No problem. Glad to help. Hey! Are you calling me a geek? (Oh well, I am)

JediMaster said:

Nah im only messing I just tend to take the piss out of any Star Wars fan. Sorry

Manda2003 said:

No offense taken. I'm an all around geek though, not just Star Wars. (LOTR, Trek, Super-heroes, Buffy, Aliens etc, etc)

JediMaster said:

OMG im a total Buffy and Angel maniac!!!

Thanks for the advice. I've been thinking about picking up some cheap monkeys. Now I know better.

Manda2003 said:

Really? I couldn't tell from your avatar!! I love it as well!!! I can't get enough of that whole universe! Did you read Fray by any chance? If not, you've gotta check it out!!