- The hero can never be touched (unless they're showing him before he trains really hard)

- With regards to the size of their Kung Fu, each successive opponent must have increasingly sad abilities

- There should be some guy with long white hair who's just too sad--you don't mess with him

- If the hero has a master, the master should treat him really badly, to harden him up

- The Kung Fu should defy the laws of physics a little, but not too much

- It needs to be dubbed badly, with exaggerated sound-effects

- Keep swordplay to a minimum...more hand-to-hand, please

- It has to be filmed in Hong Kong

Any other ideas? One of the best I've seen is Shaolin vs. Llama

Oh...and it needs to be in the General Discussion forum

Teller! YOU of all people! Wrong forum and all.

wax on, wax off.

There should ba at least one beautiful woman whose fighting abilities surpass just about everyone else's in the film -- bar none, but whose gender alone renders her somehow helpless and dependent upon our hero for rescue.

Ah, we've finally arrived in the GD forum!

Now this thread can die a proper death. :LOL:

1 big guy with an afro who is the hero's buddy.

teller said:

Yep.

this is optional of course, but there's gotta be at least one goofy/dim-witted character in the film who tries his hand at fighting...with comical results. also, you can't have a kung fu flick without at least a scene or two where a guy gets kicked and fake blood comes spurtin outta his mouth. i wonder what they used for fake blood, anyway...

this reminds me: here in mpls on channel 45 (it's like an indie station that shows nothin but vintage shows and syndicated programs) they used to have this show called kung-fu theater that came on every saturday at like 4 p.m. or so. they'd have all these old-skool kung fu movies, it wuz so awesome!

unfortunately it don't come on no mo'. friggin channel 45 programmers!

teller said:

really long hair and eyebrows!

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

He usually wears a dressing gown and a little fez hat.

Handclapsfingasnapz said:

Yeah!

Ya know what else...there has to be a restaurant, and the waiter is this really weak wimpy guy who just says "ah...customers...come in" in a really squeaky voice.

Wives never call their husbands by name...it's always just "husband!"

"Please, husband, don't go!"

teller said:

i wuz just about to mention the restaurant scenes!!

ok, should i whip my hair into a pony Tail and get into my Kung Fu Uniform from School?... yes im a student

oh man! and you cannot have a kung fu flick without one scene where somebody jumps out of a tree...or, jumping into a tree--y'know, they reverse the footage to give the illusion the character somehow magically jumps up into the tree away from their attacker(s)...

teller said:

that, and there's gotta be one scene where the villain says sumfin like, "i shall have your wife/girlfriend/lover!"

OH--I almost forgot! They demonstrate their different styles! The crane! The snake! The chicken!

And one fighter mocks the other: "Do you know any other styles?"

teller said:

actually the 5 Animals

Tiger
Dragon
Snake
Crane
Monkey

all are the 5 Animals of Shaolin me i study Tiger Claw. studied it for 9 years and still study it

Finess said:

Does it make the cool sound effects when you do it?

LOL,the sleeves on my Uniform do, what i practice forms, wind ya know?

Too bad Bruce Lee ain't here.

Finess said:

I know this is a dumb question coming from a non-kung-fu-knowing person, but...with those skills, don't you just want to go kick somebody's ass?

:LOL:

teller said:

lol ive only had to use it twice,