... when you have no experience of the situation yourself?

How do you find the right words, especially if you're far away and can't be there physically?

I have a friend who's in pain and I don't know how to help.

Don't find the words, listen to their words...

2the9s said:

i agree with Albert. when people need help, they generally need to be heard and sympathized with rather than offered lots of advice.

AaronMaximus said:

I think that's where I'm going wrong ... I seem to be making things worse whenever I open my mouth

AaronMaximus said:

Shut it.

And I also agree with 9s and Aaron...

2the9s said:

2the9s said:

I agree with you for once.

I agree with 2the9s and Aaron. I have a friend who lost her mother from MS several years ago, and she would call me up talking about her mom and crying about it. She took it quite hard, since she and her mother were close. I did not say very much, but did a lot of listening and putting myself in her place.

I remember talking about it to another friend of mine and saying how I felt bad because I didn't know what to say. My friend told me that people who are going through a tough time sometimes just need someone to listen to them, and not necessarily to solve their problems, but to be there for them. I hope this helps.
[This message was edited Mon Oct 6 16:49:17 PDT 2003 by psychodelicide]

Lleena said:

Spread 'em. I'm going to rumble you.

2the9s said:

that doesn't sound very nice...

2the9s said:

That sounds rude. Are you being rude 2the9s?

quit jacking...

psychodelicide said:

Thanks psy ... it does

I just have to put it into practice now ... I'm finding it difficult to keep quiet because, to me, she's looking at things in a very one-dimensional way right now. I know that's how people cope with grief and it's a healthy process, but it's so tough to see someone in pain and not say anything. I want her to see sunshine again but I'm not sure that will happen for quite a time yet. I really just want to stop saying the wrong things, and I think you're all right - I probably need to stop saying anything at all.

Thanks Aaron

Sorry Raspberry

awww ... don't worry girl

Also, try not to become part of her grief, if you know what I mean. Don't indulge the way she is seeing the world, but don't diminish it either.

That's what I mean by listening.

I've been through it. sigh

Sometimes I too get so eager to help that I talk instead of listening. Sometimes, not saying anything is really hard. But I am working on learning to restrain myself. Even though I mean well, I also know that what is really needed is for them to have someone to just listen and not really say anything - except maybe the occasional "uhuh" to let them know that you ARE paying attention.

2the9s - I think you do understand totally

... I can't explain the situation fully, but I think at times she's irrational, but then I'm looking at it from my experiences, not from her perspective. In reality, everything she feels is totally natural and is how I'd feel it, given the same situation. But when I try to empathise I also try to get her to see the bigger picture. That's where I fail.

I think that when she can see things as they really are, she will start to work through it. But you're all totally right. I shouldn't push that. I need to find a way of empathising but remaining detached ...


I'll work on it .. thank you 's to all who've contributed.

xxx

2the9s said:

well said.

scifi ... in some way, your and my energies cross. We're very similar.

x

2the9s said:

That was perfect!

Sweeny79 said:

I'm gonna copyright that shit.

I think the suggestions given here are really good (ie. shut up and listen), and as a horridly hopeless advice-giver, I sympathize with you. It's not as easy as it sounds.

2the9s said:

You should

It's just best to listen...and BE THERE. Encourage them to take care of themselves no matter what their facing. A lot of times when people go through tragedy they neglect even their basic needs (eating, sleeping, showering, etc.) and it's important to gently remind them of these things.

I hope your friend heals quickly