Pe-nuptial agreement



I, ___, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree on ___
(date) that..

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an 0rgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five whole minutes,
wheezing like an old fella with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like
"So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat
that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.02 I will never ask for more foreplay.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship
is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the loo or your footie
team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation
incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I
will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak,
and an elephant would be green with jealousy about your genitalia.
Section 3.01 I shall frequently mention your prowess and longevity in the
bedroom.
Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After shagging (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I
will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor
will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your wi1ly a "cute" nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel shagging
position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just
lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and
inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-s*xual tendencies. Then
I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to
stay.
Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order
to keep my body voluptuously desirable to you, even though your intake of
pints may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a
baby's backside and/or a honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04 I promise to shave every possible inch of my body, and will
always love your weekend stubble...

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends
or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And
if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have
"ruined me for other men".
Section 6.01 I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer
games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I
will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in
charge of anything mechanical.
Section 6.02 With the exception of the following household items: iron,
washing machine and dryer, oven, fridge, any rubbish disposal devices,
bins, vacuum cleaner, nappies and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract

Signed,

___

wow, that just really depressed me.

That's phucked-up :LOL: not all women are like that.

Paisley said:

Some are...

Chico319 said:

Then I recommend that YOU really try to change your ways.

Paisley said:

:DISBELIEF: Another 4 year old joke of yours!

Chico319 said:

It wasn't a joke.

Paisley said:

I thought it said more about some men's expectations, actually.

AnotherLoverToo said:

it is...

funny stuff

MrBliss said:

Is that what you're gonna have your fiancee sign, Bliss?

AnotherLoverToo said:

ummm... somehow i don't think she'd go for it

I am going through a divorce and am being shafted because of that, that, that Pre Nup...NEVER will I ever sign one again...