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'Nanas Open-Mic Comedy Revue Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted. A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my underpants." Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doctor. The Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well...It's not unusual..." Stay with me folks - they get progressively worse... 
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!" Anyone getting Deja Moo here? The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before?
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy" Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom boom! Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high." My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms" I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week ... and pulled a mussel. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove." Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. Thanku very much ladies & gentlemen, u have been a wonderful audience! 
Next up ladies and gentlemen, we have... | |
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Was that all just one joke or lots of little ones? It was very confusing  | |
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Take my wife... Please! | |
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Haystack said: Take my life... Please!
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bananacologne said: Haystack said: Take my life... Please!
Thats benny youngman,king of the one liners. | |
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