I don't know what the fuck to do!

We've been together 5 years, engaged for 3 and bought a house just over a year ago but now she wants out.

We've always been happy and she was always the loving and affectionate one and doted on me up until a couple of months ago, when she said she felt a bit depressed with her job and life in general.

Then sex was off the agenda but also no hugs/kisses - she's just totally changed in the space of a couple of months - how the fuck can that happen?

I've tried talking to her, telling I'll give her time and space and help her if she's fed up but she left last night to go to her mothers.

I'm happy in the house but I guess we'll have to sell it now and I'll have to go back to a box room in my mothers.

I'd appreciate any advice as I don't really want to tell my family at the moment as my mothers not too well and it'll cause more worry/upset

I don't know what to say.

I'm really sorry, dodger

Of course, there are always two sides of every story and there might be some extenuating circumstances to what you've described. But based on what you've told us, she sounds like she may have (psychologically) "hit a wall", and might be depressed.

From a place of gentleness and love--not from anger, control or desperation--I recommend that you suggest that she see her regular doctor, someone she trusts, who can evaluate her and refer her to a mental health person if necessary. It's important that it not be said in a way that implies that there's something "wrong" with her, so much as phrasing it in terms of concern for her sudden unhappiness/life stress.

Perhaps seeing a therapist (or some neutral third party who can facilitate communication between you two) together for a few sessions might also do some good. This way, you can explore what (if anything) was problematic between the two of you while you were living together, and what needs to change (if anything) to be able to be together again.

Just a few suggestions...I hope you find peace of mind

Sometimes for whatever reason people just grow apart...Maybe your lady is going through some tough stuff that you are unaware of. Maybe for some reason she does not want to tell you about it...why I would not know...but women have done stranger things. If I were you I would stop and think is this something that I want to fight for or do I just want to give up. If you want to make it work you must keep after her, if not well then just let her go. Give her time maybe she will come around, if not then for whatever reason it was not meant to be. Fate works in funny ways sometimes and what we think is supposed to happen is the total opposite of what really does happen. All I can tell you is that there is a reason for every occurance in our lives, people come and go from out lives for various reasons. Sometimes we know the purpose sometimes we don't. But there is a reason for everything, it just sometimes takes awhile to figure out the what the reason is. I say just keep working at her. Patience is a virture, everything will work out for the best in the end I can promise you that. Peace and Love.

great words, mbgitw.

dodger i wish you well with whatever happens. much love, peace and clarity is sent your way.

Thanks guys

MBGITW - We had a chat a couple of weeks ago and we decided we'd try and work it out and I still feel that way even tho it isn't a bed of roses now - but last night she said she still felt the same and its not working

It was only last year we bought the house and she was pressing me on marriage and suggesting we have a baby in a year or 2 and I was happy with that as I'd love to be a father, and I know it sounds cheesy but we were like soul mates.

I just don't understand how you can go from loving and doting on someone but then a couple of months later wanting to be on your own and not be with your fiance??

Maybe she is a bit depressed but I don't know what to do for the best - she doesn't even want me to hug her

A married couple I know, friends of mine, are going through something similar. In this case, due to a serious accident the guy started questioning everything he was doing and did in the past; questioning the marriage, the house, being a father (although they already have a son). He even tests himself in what that is more "him". basically the wife feels like she's married to a stranger and having to deal with the house, the kid and a job for two years now.

It might all very wel end up perfect after some time but just be aware that it can be a bumpy ride. So maybe tell a close friend, someone you can rely on when things are at a lowpoint.

The two of them are both in counceling now, because the toll of having to take care of it all was getting to heavy. They have both separate as mixed counceling sessions. What I want to say is that it might be usefull for u to contact a therapist too because it's not an easy situation to deal with. If it really is a depression you might be confronted with statements and changes that you didn't see coming and and can be quite hurtfull.

I guess you can best pay attention to all the things she's strugling with because at the end, she might come out as a bit of a different person which changes the balance/chemistry of a relationship. Not that this is a bad thing but when you have known a person in a certain way it is very difficult to change the way you perceive them. The best you can do is still be there for here and give her the room to sort things out.

when shit falls apart as suddenly as this, i suspect adultery. but maybe i'm biased...thrice now i've been burned in this fashion. usually it was ME who was depressed, and since i wasn't all there to be the strong man, she found protection from another.

OMG, it sounds just like me!! Except I am the one feeling depressed, no hugs, questioning everything, off sex. Maybe I can relate. This is the conclusion I came to. I think there is a lot of this going around, people feeling inadequate with what they have achieved in life (no matter how successful). There is enormous pressure on people to "do well" and approaching 30 I just felt like life was passing me by. They apparently call it "third of life crisis". Rather than turning to your partner for help you blame them, “I felt like I was fine before she came along” (mid twenties, feeling success, money) but now I just have grief, just bought a house, marriage on the horizon, work hassles, money worry. I knew it was just life and I knew that I still loved her but I also knew it wasn’t working. I remember that there was a point when I could have left, and gone to a mates house, but I didn’t because I was already trying to solve the problem.

I don’t believe that people who are truly meant to be together (like it sounds you are) can just fall out of love. Relationships are animals they need looking after and feeding and taking for long walks. I took things back to when they were special, started doing the things I did when we first met, now I am happier and so is she. I think the problem you have is making her realise without causing more grief. Give her time, bags of room, but let her know you are still there for her. Do a few little things, stuff you used to do (without any pressure, or ulterior motive to them) she will realise in time and then you can start to work on things together. All the best, good luck.

Soapstone said:

Thanks Soapstone, your story does sound very similar to mine - hopefully it will have the same ending

I think I'll be down the pub myself later!

I am very sorry to hear that, dodger...

how sad

Sorry to hear about your troubles. For her own good, as well as, possibly yours, have her evaluated for depression. It's onset can be so subtle that it's unrecognizable, except by hindsight, but obviously very damaging. Many active people who suffer from it think that because they function well in the professional sphere, that they can't be depressed, and are in denial about it, but such people often use the security of a loving relationship for their "down-time". You may need to try several therapists to talk to (in my family, we've had 50% success between caring, competent ones and pill-pushing assholes). If depression (and possibly, your responses to it) turns out to be all or part of the problem, don't immediately rush to medicate, rather, go for weekly sessions with a good therapist.

Oh yeah, look into diet and exercise changes (make both of yourselves into endorphinmachines). Good luck.

Soapstone said:

I always wonder why people try to define themselves by this notion of "sucess"?
What is a sucessful life?, what and who defines this?...it seems to me that external pressures force these big questions on people.

Money, jb, house, car...does that equal sucess as a human being?

No doubt people have to be real and some of these things are nesscary in modern life to function, you need a car to go to work to make money so you can pay the mortgage on the house.

But when do the nesscary things start to reflect on you and your self worth as a human being?

To my mind being a sucess is being safe in the knowledge you never done harm to someone else and being welcomed with open arms into heaven.

The only thing I can say is give her time. I'm sorry to hear this