I don't like to feel dissapointed/let down/sad, cos people arrange a meeting with me and then don't bother to stick to their arrangement. It happened today with my son's grandparents.

I am really

I'm changing, I'm starting to stand up for myself and tell people I don't like this instead of being walked over.

Just thought I'd say...

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[This message was edited Sun Aug 17 5:01:40 PDT 2003 by JDINTERACTIVE]

Therapy said:

I think it´s really good that you´re standing up for yourself. Nobody should have to take the kind of everyday disrespect you´re talking about.

I´ll tell you this though: If you stick with your new attitude you´ll see that a lot of people will start to stay away from you. People nowadays can´t take any kind of pressure from anyone, no matter how small or justified it is. They´ll freak out if they just sense your feeling of disappointment, even if you haven´t expressed it with a single word.

And if you do express it with a few words you´re immediately in trouble. I´ve had friends who´ve felt incredibly uncomfortable just because I´ve asked them why they didn´t call me back when they said they would (and I mean uncomfortable to the point that they´re almost thinking about ending our friendship). And I can promise you that I only expect basic human respect from people. I´m not the kind of person who puts pressure on somebody just because their priorities or actions don´t suit me. It´s rather the other way around; I´m tolerating a lot since they´re my friends and I love them. And still I get this shit a lot.

I have no idea how to handle it.

Sorry to hear that honey I used to be the other pole I'm afraid, till I realised I hurt people

Now I try to keep to my word as best I can. Don't let people walk all over u please, cos they do just because they can then. Only one person ever walked all over me, my ex. I only "let" him because I was so damned afraid of losing him...whaddya know, I did anyway

Trt to change as u say, explain calmly and rationally to people why u get upset when they treat u like trash, then leave it and see if it gets better next time. If it doesn't u turn it up a notch and tell them again, this time using harsher words. Also, turn it back at them just once.

Good luck

Btw, u are missed in the chatroom

Teacher said:

I am missed? Really? I always used to think ppl couldn't wait to get me out of there. Hmmm. Or is it that you miss me in the chatroom?

I hear what you're saying and totally agree. I would actually feel more uncomfortable not saying anything now. Cos if I didn't say anything, I'd be letting myself down more and I feel less able to do that nowadays

You have grown!

You are a good person Therapy, and so deserve the same from others.

Vibrator,

I tell you what may be helpful - to know that there are always people to meet who can meet my needs and whose needs I can meet. It's like the notion that a person only has one possible love partner all their life, their soul mate. It is non sense. There are many possible loves, it is the one that we choose, no? Same with friendships. Growth has to be respected both ways. I know what you mean about people not liking it. My best friend was one of those people and it feels gutting. It was ok for her to lay down her new bounderies and have them respected by me. However, when I in turn lay down new bounderies myself, our relationship fails because she doesn't want to address the problem issues that I have raised. I did with her, she doesn't with me. According to my therapist, people unconsciously choose people who fit into familiar ways of 'being'. So when a person also changes in therapy as I have, I am a different person to the one who entered therapy. My needs have changed. The way I express myself has changed. Like I said, I feel like I am more authentic. I understand people won't like that if they are unable for what ever reason to face their own 'stuff'.



sag10 Thanx, you are lovely.

Therapy said:

Thank you for your thoughtful words. I too believe that people find it difficult to accept change in a person they so neatly had placed in a category that they were comfortable with. That, although it´s not exactly flexible, is somewhat understandable. But I still don´t think it justifies these people´s double standards. If they expect others to stand by their promises and make an effort to show respect (and they certainly do expect that), then it´s their duty to live up themselves to those same expectations. Hell, even if they didn´t expect that from others they should still act like adults. We´re not exactly talking hard work here, just simple nice behavior and respect.

As I understand it, your therapy has shown you a way to stand up for yourself and feel more "authentic" (I do understand what you mean by that). I think that is the only sensible way to grow. The people that will still stick around after your change will be your real friends, and that is a good thing to find out. I just hope that category of friends will be a big one. It hasn´t always been that for me.

Therapy said:

your sons grandparents...your in-laws?...or your own parents. sorry a little and off topic.

Therapy said:

Yeah, you go girl. I was very similar until a couple of years ago and then I thought 'Fuck it! I don't have to put up with this shit.' Once people know that they can get away with treating you like crap they start to take the piss.

Id meet ya, T.