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When people close to u mess up their lives... ...do u let them or do u make them snap out of it even though they might get pissed off?
I'm leaning towards Good riddance 
Input please? | |
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I don't think anyone can "make" anyone else do anything. If you say "good riddance" to the friendship, you need to make sure it's because that's what's best for YOU, not just to hurt the other person or try to passive-aggressively change them.
And starting threads about them, in order to try to get others to reinforce what you believe with their comments, is probably not the best way to go. This person probably will not be converted, this person will probably just be embarrassed and resentful. Just my opinion--though, I do speak from personal experience and learning the above the hard way.  Teacher, I hope things work out for you and your friends.[This message was edited Sun Aug 10 9:01:42 PDT 2003 by AnotherLoverToo] | |
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AnotherLoverToo said: I don't think anyone can "make" anyone else do anything. If you say "good riddance" to the friendship, you need to make sure it's because that's what's best for YOU, not just to hurt the other person or try to passive-aggressively change them.
And starting threads about them, in order to try to get others to reinforce what you believe with their comments, is probably not the best way to go. This person probably will not be converted, this person will probably just be embarrassed and resentful. Just my opinion--though, I do speak from personal experience and learning the above the hard way. U assume...that makes an ass out of u and me both... that it's a person on the Org...it's not, it's a family member. | |
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Teacher said: AnotherLoverToo said: I don't think anyone can "make" anyone else do anything. If you say "good riddance" to the friendship, you need to make sure it's because that's what's best for YOU, not just to hurt the other person or try to passive-aggressively change them.
And starting threads about them, in order to try to get others to reinforce what you believe with their comments, is probably not the best way to go. This person probably will not be converted, this person will probably just be embarrassed and resentful. Just my opinion--though, I do speak from personal experience and learning the above the hard way. U assume...that makes an ass out of u and me both... that it's a person on the Org...it's not, it's a family member. After what you wrote to/about Ardeo on his thread, you came directly here. So, yes, I suppose I did assume--and I apologize if you truly were talking about a family member. But it was quite a coincidence. 
But all of what I wrote above still applies. You can't make anyone do anything, and if you end the relationship it should be because it's what's best for you--not to try to force them to change their behavior. And I still wish you the best with your circumstances. | |
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AnotherLoverToo said: Teacher said: AnotherLoverToo said: I don't think anyone can "make" anyone else do anything. If you say "good riddance" to the friendship, you need to make sure it's because that's what's best for YOU, not just to hurt the other person or try to passive-aggressively change them.
And starting threads about them, in order to try to get others to reinforce what you believe with their comments, is probably not the best way to go. This person probably will not be converted, this person will probably just be embarrassed and resentful. Just my opinion--though, I do speak from personal experience and learning the above the hard way. U assume...that makes an ass out of u and me both... that it's a person on the Org...it's not, it's a family member. After what you wrote to/about Ardeo on his thread, you came directly here. So, yes, I suppose I did assume--and I apologize if you truly were talking about a family member. But it was quite a coincidence.
But all of what I wrote above still applies. You can't make anyone do anything, and if you end the relationship it should be because it's what's best for you--not to try to force them to change their behavior. And I still wish you the best with your circumstances. It's something I've been thinking about ever since Friday, when I for the umpteenth month in a row got a reminder for this family member to pay the mortgage on the loan I'm a bondswoman for...decided that I can't make up my mind on my own, so I posted a thread to get some help. | |
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i agree with what AnotherLover said, orger or non-orger.
there's a way of supporting a person through a difficult situation without enabling their destructive behavior or becoming a martyr and hurting yourself. finding that exact point can be difficult, so i don't envy your position. just understand that people who tend to be self-destructive act that way because they have not felt supported, understood or valued. that may give you the strength to be there for them as a true friend. | |
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irresistibleb1tch said: i agree with what AnotherLover said, orger or non-orger.
there's a way of supporting a person through a difficult situation without enabling their destructive behavior or becoming a martyr and hurting yourself. finding that exact point can be difficult, so i don't envy your position. just understand that people who tend to be self-destructive act that way because they have not felt supported, understood or valued. that may give you the strength to be there for them as a true friend. This has nothing to do with being self-destructive I'm afraid, this person just shows an extraordinary disdain for other people's feeling and will also not consider the consequences of any actions. | |
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Teacher said: irresistibleb1tch said: i agree with what AnotherLover said, orger or non-orger.
there's a way of supporting a person through a difficult situation without enabling their destructive behavior or becoming a martyr and hurting yourself. finding that exact point can be difficult, so i don't envy your position. just understand that people who tend to be self-destructive act that way because they have not felt supported, understood or valued. that may give you the strength to be there for them as a true friend. This has nothing to do with being self-destructive I'm afraid, this person just shows an extraordinary disdain for other people's feeling and will also not consider the consequences of any actions. but after reading the background information you gave, it seems that ultimately, the person is hurting himself/herself. | |
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irresistibleb1tch said: Teacher said: irresistibleb1tch said: i agree with what AnotherLover said, orger or non-orger.
there's a way of supporting a person through a difficult situation without enabling their destructive behavior or becoming a martyr and hurting yourself. finding that exact point can be difficult, so i don't envy your position. just understand that people who tend to be self-destructive act that way because they have not felt supported, understood or valued. that may give you the strength to be there for them as a true friend. This has nothing to do with being self-destructive I'm afraid, this person just shows an extraordinary disdain for other people's feeling and will also not consider the consequences of any actions. but after reading the background information you gave, it seems that ultimately, the person is hurting himself/herself. Of course, that will be the end result, but the person doesn't believe it when I say it. I will remove my bondsmanship on the bankloan next week, which means that it will be needed to be paid all at once. IT's all I can do, because I cannot in my current situation afford to be stuck with it. | |
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Teacher said: AnotherLoverToo said: Teacher said: AnotherLoverToo said: I don't think anyone can "make" anyone else do anything. If you say "good riddance" to the friendship, you need to make sure it's because that's what's best for YOU, not just to hurt the other person or try to passive-aggressively change them.
And starting threads about them, in order to try to get others to reinforce what you believe with their comments, is probably not the best way to go. This person probably will not be converted, this person will probably just be embarrassed and resentful. Just my opinion--though, I do speak from personal experience and learning the above the hard way. U assume...that makes an ass out of u and me both... that it's a person on the Org...it's not, it's a family member. After what you wrote to/about Ardeo on his thread, you came directly here. So, yes, I suppose I did assume--and I apologize if you truly were talking about a family member. But it was quite a coincidence.
But all of what I wrote above still applies. You can't make anyone do anything, and if you end the relationship it should be because it's what's best for you--not to try to force them to change their behavior. And I still wish you the best with your circumstances. It's something I've been thinking about ever since Friday, when I for the umpteenth month in a row got a reminder for this family member to pay the mortgage on the loan I'm a bondswoman for...decided that I can't make up my mind on my own, so I posted a thread to get some help. Yikes! Money seems to complicate friendship, love and the human condition even moreso... 
I used to work in the substance abuse field quite some time ago, and I have a parent who has been sober and going to AA meetings for 26 yrs now. So I truly do understand what you mean about walking a fine line between enabling a person and loving/supporting them. I think you need to set firm guidelines and consequences with this person. You need to say, "if (such and such inappropriate behavior) happens again, then (such and such consequence) will occur". That way, they can't say they weren't warned and they only have themselves to blame. It's basic stuff--in fact, it's the way parents typically teach their kids to understand that negative behaviors have consequences. The only thing is that you have to be consistent and actually follow through on the consequence, which can be difficult. | |
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AnotherLoverToo said: Teacher said: AnotherLoverToo said: Teacher said: AnotherLoverToo said: I don't think anyone can "make" anyone else do anything. If you say "good riddance" to the friendship, you need to make sure it's because that's what's best for YOU, not just to hurt the other person or try to passive-aggressively change them.
And starting threads about them, in order to try to get others to reinforce what you believe with their comments, is probably not the best way to go. This person probably will not be converted, this person will probably just be embarrassed and resentful. Just my opinion--though, I do speak from personal experience and learning the above the hard way. U assume...that makes an ass out of u and me both... that it's a person on the Org...it's not, it's a family member. After what you wrote to/about Ardeo on his thread, you came directly here. So, yes, I suppose I did assume--and I apologize if you truly were talking about a family member. But it was quite a coincidence.
But all of what I wrote above still applies. You can't make anyone do anything, and if you end the relationship it should be because it's what's best for you--not to try to force them to change their behavior. And I still wish you the best with your circumstances. It's something I've been thinking about ever since Friday, when I for the umpteenth month in a row got a reminder for this family member to pay the mortgage on the loan I'm a bondswoman for...decided that I can't make up my mind on my own, so I posted a thread to get some help. Yikes! Money seems to complicate friendship, love and the human condition even moreso...
I used to work in the substance abuse field quite some time ago, and I have a parent who has been sober and going to AA meetings for 26 yrs now. So I truly do understand what you mean about walking a fine line between enabling a person and loving/supporting them. I think you need to set firm guidelines and consequences with this person. You need to say, "if (such and such inappropriate behavior) happens again, then (such and such consequence) will occur". That way, they can't say they weren't warned and they only have themselves to blame. It's basic stuff--in fact, it's the way parents typically teach their kids to understand that negative behaviors have consequences. The only thing is that you have to be consistent and actually follow through on the consequence, which can be difficult. That's what I'm doing now, with the loan thing  I'll lose a family member over this, but I have to come first in my life. Right? RIGHT?  | |
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Oops! Just read your latest post, Teacher, and it sounds like you're doing just that!
You know what to do (as I think most of us do, deep inside), it's just hard doing it and risking the loss of the relationships. | |
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Good riddance, is the only way. I've been down that road too many times before. Get away with your sanity before it's to late. In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. |
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Sweeny79 said: Good riddance, is the only way. I've been down that road too many times before. Get away with your sanity before it's to late.
Thank u Sweeny It's what I have to do I feel. I hate it but I have to, I'm in financial trouble as it is.  | |
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Teacher said: AnotherLoverToo said: Teacher said: AnotherLoverToo said: Teacher said: AnotherLoverToo said: I don't think anyone can "make" anyone else do anything. If you say "good riddance" to the friendship, you need to make sure it's because that's what's best for YOU, not just to hurt the other person or try to passive-aggressively change them.
And starting threads about them, in order to try to get others to reinforce what you believe with their comments, is probably not the best way to go. This person probably will not be converted, this person will probably just be embarrassed and resentful. Just my opinion--though, I do speak from personal experience and learning the above the hard way. U assume...that makes an ass out of u and me both... that it's a person on the Org...it's not, it's a family member. After what you wrote to/about Ardeo on his thread, you came directly here. So, yes, I suppose I did assume--and I apologize if you truly were talking about a family member. But it was quite a coincidence.
But all of what I wrote above still applies. You can't make anyone do anything, and if you end the relationship it should be because it's what's best for you--not to try to force them to change their behavior. And I still wish you the best with your circumstances. It's something I've been thinking about ever since Friday, when I for the umpteenth month in a row got a reminder for this family member to pay the mortgage on the loan I'm a bondswoman for...decided that I can't make up my mind on my own, so I posted a thread to get some help. Yikes! Money seems to complicate friendship, love and the human condition even moreso...
I used to work in the substance abuse field quite some time ago, and I have a parent who has been sober and going to AA meetings for 26 yrs now. So I truly do understand what you mean about walking a fine line between enabling a person and loving/supporting them. I think you need to set firm guidelines and consequences with this person. You need to say, "if (such and such inappropriate behavior) happens again, then (such and such consequence) will occur". That way, they can't say they weren't warned and they only have themselves to blame. It's basic stuff--in fact, it's the way parents typically teach their kids to understand that negative behaviors have consequences. The only thing is that you have to be consistent and actually follow through on the consequence, which can be difficult. That's what I'm doing now, with the loan thing I'll lose a family member over this, but I have to come first in my life. Right? RIGHT? Yes, you MUST come first, if you risk losing that person then that is how it is honey, but who knows..they may come back, once they have realised the strength you had to do such a big thing and commend you for it  | |
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there's been several members of my family who go and do sumfin stupid and fuck up their lives...all you can do is just stand back. some people just don't wanna be helped, so there ain't shit else you can do.
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TY both Red and Dansa, I have made my decision now...next month, if the loan mortgage is not paid on time, I will let the person know I will no longer take responsibility.
That's the only thing I can do. TY girls | |
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Teacher said: TY both Red and Dansa, I have made my decision now...next month, if the loan mortgage is not paid on time, I will let the person know I will no longer take responsibility.
That's the only thing I can do. TY girls no problem! | |
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