Here're thangs I just recieved in my e-mail that u guys may like:

Who is Jack Schitt? Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
After you read this, you will be able to handle this situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt . Awe Schitt is The fertilizer magnate who married O Schitt , the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack married Noe Schitt . They were both deeply religious. They produced six children:

Holie Schitt
Fulla Schitt
Giva Schitt
Bull Schitt
Deep and
Dip Schitt.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids lived with them, she wanted to keep the previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt Sherlock .

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt , and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt .

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable during childhood, so they married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are:

Dawg
Byrd and
Horse.
Bull Schitt, the last of Jack's kids, left home to tour the world. He recently Returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt .
Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

--

Signs of Wear

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

--

Some New Things To Ponder

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

How can you say "The same difference" when, if they have the same differences, then they must be the same - not different?

Why is it called Greenland if it's all ice? Why is it called Iceland if it's all green?

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done

--

25 Signs That You're All Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

--

Warning Signs of a Bad Day

**You wake up face down on the pavement.

**You put your bra on backward and it fits better.

**You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

**You see the Roger Cook news team waiting in your office.

**Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

**Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

**You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.

**You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

**Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

**You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

**Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the motorway.

**Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

**Your boss tells you not to bother removing your coat.

**The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

**You wake up and your braces are locked together.

**You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

**You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

**Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

**Your income tax check bounces.

**You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

**Your pet rock snaps at you.

**Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

--

Top Ten: He Said - She Said

10. He said, "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it." She said, "You wear briefs, don't you?"

(9) She said, "What do you mean by coming home half drunk?" He said, "It's not my fault. I ran out of money."

(8) He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way." She said, "Well, you succeeded."

(7) He said, "Two inches more, and I would be king." She said, "Two inches less, and you'd be queen."

(6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere". Written just below it: "I do not".

(5) He said, "Shall we try switching positions tonight?" She said, "That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

(4) A Priest said, "I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband. She said, "Who's gonna look?"

(3) He said, "What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?" She said, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror."

(2) He said, "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." She said, "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

AND THE NUMBER 1 He said - She said: (1) He said, "Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?" She said, "I would, but you're never there."

--

How To Annoy People

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and cc: them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. don t use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your yard pointing a hair drier at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

This has MADE my Whole day. Thankxxx. LMAO STILL!!!

pippet said:

i agree pip...that shit was GREAT !!!

thanks for the laugh

You're very welcome