"See, the problem is that God gives men a
brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run
one at a time." - Robin Williams

"Instead of getting married again,
I'm going to find a woman I don't like and
just give her a house." - Rod Stewart

"Women need a reason to have sex. !
Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word
meaning to rip out a man's genitals through
his wallet." - Robin Williams

"Hockey is a sport for white men.
Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a
sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
- Tiger Woods

"There are a number of mechanical devices
which increase sexual arousal, particularly in
women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
- Lynn Lavner

"You know "that look" women get when they want
sex? Me neither." - Steve Martin

Got more? Add 'em here.

"Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize." Songwriter Tom Lehrer
[This message was edited Tue Jul 8 15:35:35 PDT 2003 by irresistibleb1tch]

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
---Robert Frost


It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
---Jerry Seinfeld

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
---Jean Cocturan


I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
---rodney dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
---rodney dangerfield

Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something."
-- Plato

brownie20 said:

That's one funny MoFo!!!

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.
---Seinfeld

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!
---Seinfeld

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
---dangerfield

"people suck"
-- me, 1996

"I'm fascinated by air. If you took the air out of the sky, all the birds would fall on the ground. And the planes too"
- Jean-Claude Van Damme


Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey


"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, 'Clueless Actress'
Like, yaaah...whatever!


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.


"They all want me: boys, girls, men, women, dogs, cats... they all want to have sex with Ricky"
- Ricky Martin say whaaat Ricky??? Well, THAT I'd pay 2 see

my fave asshole quote tho has 2 be:
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
- John Wayne, 'Actor'

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin

More from My man George:

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?


Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?


When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?


If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?


Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.


"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?


The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

bananacologne said:

!!!

Sweeny79 said:

George Carlin is simply brilliant!! thanks for posting these!

irresistibleb1tch said:

Your welcome