it's because my dad is in hospital & i'm not quite sure what we r in for.

& just so no1 asks me & sends me msgs asking what's up,i'll just let it out now.


yesterday i woke up 2 the sound of dad coughing & hurling...

well 2 make a long LONG story very very short...
apparently he has had cancer but never told anyone...
& was in 2 much pain & tried 2 kill himself with a bottle of wine & pills.
i had2 call an emergency paramedic & police so that they couuld get him 2 hospital cuz he wouldnt get in the car so i could take him.
he just didnt wan2 go anywhere... just die.
he even wrote a 4page suicide note & left it in the car,each page ending with "i love you josh" & a few photos of the dog,me,& some elvis cd's which,if he was going 2 go...he would want2 listening 2 Elvis.

i talked 2 him on the fone earlier & soon im gonna c him at the hospital.

he sounded much better on the fone 2day so that is a good sign... & instead of talking & thinking in the same 'i dont wanna live anymore' direction of yesterday...
2day he asked me 2 bring him clothes & stuff... & said he is going 2 ask 4 his diabetes medication...
so atleast now he is thinking somewhat 2wards the future.

the thing that sucks tho is he doesnt wan2 see anyone besides mum & myself...
even tho one of his best mates is really worried about him (he is the only person besides mum & myself who knows about this) & he wants 2 talk 2 him & c him.

i spose he is just 2 ashamed & doesnt want anyone 2 see him in this condition...

after all thinking about it,he has been 2 proud of a man 2 even cry (only when our dog died when i was 6yo & when his sister died last year have i seen him cry)
he is under some kind of mental health act detention in the hospital,so he will b there for another couple of days & i am not sure when he will come out yet...
but dad isnt crazy.

things just got 2 much for him & he wanted the pain 2 end...
but we could have helped if he had just talked 2 us.
he signed his car over 2 my name 3 weeks ago but i had NO IDEA that this was the reason!
i asked him last nite & he told me that this was the reason.
he even moved my car 2 the back yard & his 2 the front the night b4 this happened...& i thought that was odd.
later yesterday mum found a hose leading from the front of the car 2 the backseat.

its still hard 2 believe he would even do this...
& if so,why choose a way that the dog would see (who he loves almost as much as ME!) ... & something i would wake up2!

his sister died last year of cancer... & since we both saw how she ended up in her dying days,maybe he just didnt want me2 see him like that...
or ANYONE 2 c him like that.
maybe he just wanted ppl 2 c him as a strong man who was always helping others instead of being looked at as a weak,dying man.

the drugs & booze he took yesterday r getting out of his system cuz he sounds better,& looked much better last nite...
but now it is just the mental side which he needs 2 sort out.
& he still wont tell the doctors at the hospital about the cancer.ifact he hasnt even directly told me!
he just said he is sick of the pain in his gut & bleeding thru his backside & i said "is it cancer?" & he wont directly answer me with that word,but i know it is...as he was checked out 4 it early last year.

i told the doctor yesterday that this is most probably the reason why all this happened,tho mum & dad r always fighting & yeah he has brought that up...
but that isn't the sole reason.

& i tried 2 xplain that 2 dad: that 1st he needs 2 tell the doctors there that he has this problem...(so 1st off they can realise he isnt a nutcase,but it is the pain that is 2 much 4 him) & then that will help his mind,& then things can b sorted out at home....

but try telling stubborn ole dad that he is wrong & his son is actually right!
hehe

i am just hoping he gets thru this & he lives longer.
even if he only has a few months 2 live with this cancer,
or if he could take some kind of treatment that would take some of the pain away (he says that there is nothing else they can do) so he can live in comfort & we can prepare mentally & in every way for when he does go.

all i want is dad back.

so please,just send good vibes,& im not a religious person,
but whatever gets u thru,... just send good vibes & i just hope we all get thru this.
dad's the best person in the world,& everyone who knows him,knows this.
i just wish he could understand this & use a bit more strength.


peace
love,
joshy

(ps: sorry if i was long,i just couldnt stop typing.but i am happy he sounds better 2day )


.
[This message was edited Wed Jun 11 1:21:17 PDT 2003 by Joshy]

All my prayers and love goin' your way Joshy... you're dealing with a lot... God Bless your dad... he needs it, as do you and your family.

I'm thinking of you...

Whoa...

Sorry to hear you're going through this, Joshy...

I wish nothing but the best for you and yer family...

Hope you feel better soon

thanx June.

is fuckin hard... & one moment i'll b fine watching reruns of fresh prince of bel-air,just laughing like heck,
then like this moring i just broke down in the shower.
it's times like these i wish i wasnt an only child.

...but like i said,right now im positive cuz he sounds straighter & more aware.



& im sorry if i cant say thank u 2 anyone who sends wishes & stuff...
but i may not be online much.

so thank u in advance

I've lost so many great relatives to cancer... I hate that fucking disease.

The most recent, my favorite uncle, on my mother's side died last March. It was the worst. I cried and cried. A year before that, my favorite uncle on my biological father's side... prior to that many others... it never ends.

I think you have a good grasp on what your dad's going through... he needs you like never before, he's just too proud to admit it... be there for him, you'll have no regrets... much love, Joshy...



(bad grammar edit)
[This message was edited Wed Jun 11 1:20:20 PDT 2003 by June7]

June7 said:

thanx again june & thanx nat.
my mum last nite was talking about her mother,who had cancer around the time i was born.
& she was EXACTLY the same as dad.
didnt wan2 go 2 the hospital,didnt have 2 see anyone coz she was fine...
& finally she did & my mum took that really hard cos she was xtremely close 2 her mother.
Mum is kind of being the strong one at the moment,
just beng mum

but my dad & i are like my mum & her mum were...
u just cant tear us apart.
it'd probably b the ultimate kick in the ass 2 get me 2 do something with my life...
but without dad,damn!

he's everything 2 me...
& being so upfront & saying u love eachother & all that kind of stuff has never been a big thing in our house...
tho we all know it,it just is hardly expressed.
it maybe a bit late,or just in time maybe...
but it's time 4 that 2 change.

Dear Josh,

Much strength to you and your dad and your entire family.

June is right; cancer is a rotten disease and nobody should suffer from it.

Just keep clear headed and take it day by day.

My thoughts are with you.

Jeremy.

Hi Joshy!!

I hope and Pray your dad pulls through!! He is very lucky 2 have someone like u as a son, 2 b there for him, as well as your mum!! U both must b very strong for him!!

I cant begin 2 imagine what its like 2 have someone really close to U going through the Hell that your dad is going through!!

Stay offline as long as u have 2!! There are times when there are far more important things in life to deal with!!

We will all b thinking of u!!

Much Love 2 U

Im thinking of you and your family Joshy

BIG

Much love Pochacco
[This message was edited Wed Jun 11 2:26:17 PDT 2003 by Pochacco]

Best wishes to your dad.

Cancer is fucking evil and no-one deserves it.

Be strong.

No words are enough to describe the feelings at a time like this. I just want you to know that there is someone on the other side of this planet thinking about you right now.

Try to support your mom as much as you can. She probably needs it more than ever and you could use something to focus on.

Also, try to take this opportunity to talk a lot to your dad. Not about death or the illness but about everything and nothing. Take your time and just let the discussions lead wherever. If he wants to talk about his life, then he will. If he wants to just spend time with you without dealing with the big issues, then that´s what´s going to happen. The point is that talking is the best thing you can do right now. That is something you would never regret having done.

Take care and try to stay as strong as you can.

Stay strong, good luck and peace to you both

poor joshy...i'm gonna try to call ya....you must be at the hopital no answer....be strong as you can joshy you know all you gotta do is call write or email if you need me
[This message was edited Wed Jun 11 4:32:58 PDT 2003 by AprilMichelle]

Joooshy


this painted cow is just for you and nobody else.




Delores

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I too have had relatives with cancer, and it's terrible. I hope things get better for you and your family.

Joshy and prayers to u and ur family, try and keep ur strength up

Were all around if and when u need us.

Much Love 2 U
from
Katt
XXX

I'm sorry to hear about this Joshy. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

thank u 4 the messages,for the orgnotes (u kno who u r)
& just letting me know im not the only one who has gone thru this kind of thing.

it means much (all b it online,it means much )

peace
love
&
thanks,
joshy

joshy bless you and your dad and family. cancer sucks. i lost my dad to cancer in 7/01. he was (lucky?) it went quickly, undetected until the very end.

i hope your dad can get the help he needs from the doctors on the cancer ward, they are very good at what they do. he might be depressed too, and stressed out. they can help him there as well. there are different hospice (home care) services you can check out through most hospitals, if he wants to come home and still receive treatment.

i bet your love and support mean a lot to him now. hang in there joshy.
[This message was edited Wed Jun 11 19:57:29 PDT 2003 by XxAxX]

sorry about your dad. hope things get better.





conscience edit
[This message was edited Wed Jun 11 19:59:22 PDT 2003 by Sage]

Sage said:

Quick edit!