Not intended to offend Essex Girls! lmao!

What do you call a Essex girl with half a brain?
Gifted!

What do you call a Essex girl with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant

Why aren't Essex girls good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What did the Essex girl's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met

Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair
and she didn't want it blown around too much

Why is a Essex girl like a turtle?
They both get fucked up when they're on their back

What's a Essex girl's favourite nursery rhyme?
Hump-me Dump-me

What's the difference between a Essex girl and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once

Why don't Essex girls eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar

Why don't Essex girls eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper
or
They cant find the pull tab

Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
They chip their teeth
What is the mating call of the ugly Essex girl?
"I said: I'm drunk!"

Why do Essex girls drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it

How do you change a Essex girl's mind?
Blow in her ear
or
Buy her another drink

What do Essex girls do with their arseholes in the morning?
Pack their lunch and send them to work

What's the first thing a Essex girl does in the morning?
Walks home

Why is a Essex girl like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn

Why is a Essex girl like railway lines?
Because she's been laid all over the country

What important question does a Essex girl ask her man before having sex?
Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

What do you do when an Essex girl throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out

What happens when an Essex girl gets Alzheimer's disease?
Her IQ goes up!

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend

What is the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball

What do a bowling ball and an Essex girl have in common?
Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter
Why is a washing machine better than an Essex girl?
Because you can drop your load in a washing machine,
and it won't follow you around for a week

What do Essex girls and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age

What does an Essex girl and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up

What do Essex girls and spaghetti have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them

What do you call an Essex girl with a bag of sugar on her head?
Sweet Fuck All...

How do you drown an Essex girl?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool

How many Essex girls does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
or
Three... one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit

What do you get when you offer an Essex girl a penny for her thoughts?
Change

What do you get when you cross an Essex girl and a gorilla?
Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do

How do you amuse an Essex girl for 5 hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

Why do Essex girls have legs?
To get between the bedroom and the kitchen

What's the difference between an Essex girl having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist

What do you see when you look into a Essex girl's eyes?
The back of her head
Why do Essex girls drive VW's?
Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night!

What did the Essex girl do when she got her period?
Looked around for the bastard that must have knifed her

Why are Essex girls like cornflakes?
Because they're simple, easy and they taste good

How does an Essex girl hold her liquor?
By the ears

What do you call an Essex girl skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champ

What's the difference between an Essex girl track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
One's a bunch a cunning runts

What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Suez Canal?
One's a busy ditch

What is the difference between an Essex girl and a toilet?
A toilet won't follow you around after you use it

What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and an Essex girl?
The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The Essex girl says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

What do you call a dumb Essex girl behind a steering wheel?
An air bag

Why did the Essex girl tattoo her postcode on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box

How can you tell when an Essex girls dating?
By the buckle print on her forehead

What is the Essex girl's chronic speech impediment?
She can't say "No"

What do you call an Essex girl in a university?
A visitor

Why did the Essex girl cross the road?
Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

What does an Essex girl say after multiple orgasms?
Well done team!

Why does a Essex girls bra say T.G.I.F?
Tits Go In First

Why do Essex girls have vaginas?
So guys will talk to them at parties

What does an Essex girl answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."

What do you call an Essex girl without an asshole?
Divorced

What's the difference between an Essex girl and rubbish?
Rubbish gets taken out at least once a week

What do you call a bunch of Essex girls with yeast infections?
A wine and cheese party!

What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
Gifted!

Did you hear about the Essex girl that went to library
and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
Got home and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

What do you call an Essex mother-in-law?
An air bag

How do you plant dope?
Bury an Essex girl

How do you get a one-armed Essex girl out of a tree?
Wave to her

How does an Essex girl get pregnant?
And I thought Essex girls were dumb!

What do you call an Essex girl with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch

What's the difference between a chorus line of Essex girls and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts

What does an Essex girl think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository

Why don't an Essex girls guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place

Why was the Essex girl wearing her sunglasses?
She was having sunny periods

How can you tell when an Essex girl is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her knees bag

How is an Essex girl like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat

How do you confuse an Essex girl?
You don't. They're born that way

How did the Essex girl burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries

What's the difference between a pit bull and an Essex girl with PMS?
Lipstick

Why do Essex girls have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks

Why don't Essex girls make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter

What do Essex girls do after they comb their hair?
They pull up their panties

How do you tell when a Essex girl reaches orgasm?
She drops her nail-file!
or
She says, "Next"
or
The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
or
The batteries have run out

What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A divorcee

What does an Essex girl owl say?
What, what?

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 Essex girls

What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb Essex girl nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub

Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're fucked

What's a Essex girl's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door

Did you hear about the Essex girl who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe

An Essex girl was walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
A passer-by asks "Where did you get that?"
The pig replies, "I won her in a raffle!"

An Essex girl goes into the chemists and to the deodorant display
and says to the assistant "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" enquires the assistant.
"No," replies the Essex girl, "The kind for under his arms."

After many hours of extremely acrobatic
and exhausting sex with an Essex girl
he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen
for some food to replenish his just spent energy.
He pours himself a glass of milk but before drinking it,
he realises his manhood is still pretty hot,
so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.

Just then the Essex girl walked in and said,
"Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."


What does a Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

What is the difference between a Essex girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
You can't fit a Essex girl inside a bowling ball.


How are a Essex girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more.

What is the difference between Essex girls and hookers?
Essex girls cost less per score

What is the difference between a Essex girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.

What's the difference between a Essex girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

How can you tell if a Essex girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.

What do you get when you cross a Essex girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...

Why is a Essex girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.

Did you hear about the new Essex girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

What's the difference between Essex girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week

What do you call 100 Essex girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs

What is the difference between a Essex girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days

I am a very quick typer!
[This message was edited Mon Jun 2 14:07:40 PDT 2003 by REDFEATHERS]

and what the fuck was the edit

msserendipity said:

lmao! I deleted 2 jokes cos I didnt get them!

That was long!!! Jeezzz woman ... but pretty funny!!!

I'm saving these. It's like Christmas, my birthday and sex all rolled into one.

CAMILLE4U said:

Oh darling...anytime... I hvae alot more for you...

RED, let's have sex... better yet lets have essex...

when I first saw this thread I thought it was about me...

pejman said:

I am not ESsex

That was, indeed, too fucking long... I only got through a handful... then wen...


My attention span runneth short...

REDFEATHERS said:

okay let's GET BUTT NAKED AND FUCK!!!

pejman said:

I been telling you that for weeks now...