Than this is quite a funny summary. It is part of a longer
[but still short] story by Umberto Eco.

It was first published in "How To Travell With A Salmon" &
later reprinted in a very slim gift-volume of only 6 short
stories/essays called "The Miracle of San Baudolino", along
with the actual "Baudolino" novel.

Everytime I come across this I have to laugh because it is
so incredibly true. I think everyone who's been in a public
library more than once or twice and had to search for some
book or deal with the library personell can relate to this.


***


"How to organize a public library" by Umberto Eco.



1.

The various catalogues must be housed as far apart as
possible from one another. All care must be taken to
separate the catalogue of books from that of periodicals,
and these two from the catalogue by subject; similarly,
the recent acquisitions must be kept well away from older
collections. If possible, the spelling in the two
catalogues (recent acquisitions and older collections)
must be different.
In the recent acquisitions, for example, "pajama" should
be spelled with an "a", in the older, "pyjama" with a "y".
"Chaikovskii" in recent acquisitions will follow the
Library of Congress system; in the older catalogue the
name will be spelled in the old-fashioned way, with "Tch".



2.

The subjects must be determined by the librarian. On their
copyright pages the books must bear no indication of the
subjects under which they are to be listed.



3.

Call numbers should be impossible to decipher and, if
possible, very complex, so that anyone filling out a call
slip will never have room to include the last line of
numbers and will assume they are irrelevant. Then the desk
attendant will hand the slip back to him with the
admonition to fill it out properly.



4.

The time between request and delivery must be as long as
possible.



5.

Only one book should be released at a time.



6.

The books distributed by the attendant after the request
form has been properly submitted cannot be taken into the
reference room, so the scholars must divide their working
life into two fundamental aspects: reading on the one hand,
and reference consultation on the other.
The library must discourage, as conducive to strabismus,
any crossover tendencies or attempts at the simultaneous
reading of several books.



7.

Insofar as possible, no photocopier should be available; if
such a machine does exist, access to it must be made very
time-consuming and toilsome, fees should be higher than
those in any neighborhood copy shop, and the maximum number
of copied pages permitted should not exceed two or three.



8.

The librarian must consider the reader an enemy, a waster
of time (otherwise he or she would be at work), and a
potential thief.



9.

The reference librarian's office must be impregnable.



10.

Loans must be discouraged.



11.

Interlibrary loans must be impossible or, at best, must
require months. The ideal course, in any event, is to
ensure the impossibility of discovering the contents of
other libraries.



12.

Given this policy, theft must be very easy.



13.

Opening hours must coincide precisely with local office
hours, determined by foresighted discussion with trade
union officials and the Chamber of Commerce; total closing
on Saturday, Sunday, evenings and mealtimes goes without
saying.
The library's worst enemy is the employed student; its best
friend is Thomas Jefferson, someone who has a large
personal library and therefore no need to visit the public
library (to which he may nevertheless bequeath his books at
his death).



14.

It must be impossible to find any refreshment inside the
library, under any circumstances; and it must also be
impossible to leave the library to seek sustenance
elsewhere without first returning all books in use, so
that, after having a cup of coffee, the student must fill
out requests for them again.



15.

It must be impossible on a given day to find the book one
had been using the day before.



16.

It must be impossible to learn who has a book that is
currently on loan.



17.

If possible, no restrooms.



18.

Ideally, the reader should be unable to enter the library.
If he does actually enter, exploiting with tedious
insistence a right, granted on the basis of the principles
of 1789, that has nevertheless not been assimilated by the
collective sensibilty, he must never ever -- with the
exception of rapid visits to the reference shelves -- be
allowed access to the sanctum of the stacks.


***



The story goes on for a bit after that, but this summary
is so funny I thought I'd post it here.

Just as a tell-tale sign that I have no social life

Interesting!

Especially 4 a guy like me!


I'm a library assistant...

cool, man!!!

OK. And I have 2 do a look if this book is in here.


.
.
.

No. Pity.

(I'm often here. Because I don't have internet @ home, I have the keys ) and I'm livin' right nearby my work..)

Pellwormer said:

If it's a rather large library and you're often in there
alone [at night], you might want to read "The Labyrinth"
by P de Santos.

It's kind of an Umberto Eco rip-off/wanna be story but
it's short and easy to read and it's very muc a suspense
thing that might get your rather freaked out if you're
in a library all alone since it's set in a very large
library.

IstenSzek said:

Nope. It's a small one.

But u know everyone visiting it. With name & prefered books (and CDs, which I am responsible 4)

Pellwormer said:

And ehm, so do you give people a hard time sometimes, just
for the heck of it? Come on, you do, don't you. You just
love trippin on that power your position gives you over us
poor little bookfreaks, don't you?

IstenSzek said:

Yup!

I do like 2 put the bookmark of books which the user wanted 2 keep longer @ another page ...when they didn't see it...

It's the small things that keep me smilin'

Pellwormer said:

I knew it!!!

...don't know...but I just had the song 'Librarian girl' by MJ
in my head...