"I understand just what you mean/how you feel"

How do you take it when someone says this to you?

On the one hand, you could feel relieved that someone is empathizing with you. It could make you feel less alone and cared for. It could open doors to deepening a relationship.

On the other hand, it could be perceived as an arrogant thing to say, as minimizing how you feel. Because can anyone truly know or understand exactly what your experience has been? It could turn the focus away from you to that other person, where they start telling you all about their own situation instead of focusing upon yours.

Opinions? Examples?

It would depend on the situation, and who was saying it.

I agree, it could have quite opposite effects.
If it is said with sincerity, I receive it well.

If I really know the person could not understand, then I say so
and try to explain.

My friend's baby was stillborn.
I could not know how she felt so I said so.

"Honey, I am so sorry. I can not say that I know how you feel because I don't.
I know you are in pain.
I am here for you."

is the best that I could say.

Melody

SensualMelody said:

Depends greatly on the situation.

AnotherLoverToo said:

schizo effective disorder in action

DORA said:

"affective", dear...

AnotherLoverToo said:

Agreed! Also could be enabling. I suppose it depends.

Good points.

Interesting. Usually when I catch myself saying "I understand" in situations where I really don't, I come out and say, "well, I don't really understand, how could I?" and continue on with the conversation. I think it's human nature to relate other peoples' experiences back to your own and want to share. I know that sometimes I need to shut myself up and go back to listening.

AnotherLoverToo said:

not within the DSM4

DORA said:

Actually, yes, within the DSMIV. I'm looking right at it. Go check again.

AnotherLoverToo said:

refractory schizoaffective patients has been reported to sometimes be effective. This benefit is more often seen in patients suffering from bipolar disorder. ...

DORA said:

Thus, it's "schizoaffective" disorder that you actually meant, right? "Effect" in this case is an adjective refering to effectiveness of the treatment.

But this is all beside the point, really.

AnotherLoverToo said:

its all about bipolar


but yes in the dsm the simple diagnosis is schizoaffective...
[This message was edited Sat May 24 18:17:43 PDT 2003 by DORA]

SensualMelody said:

You're the sweetest Sensual.

I think people just don't know how to react to some situations, which is why they say "I understand" even though sometimes they don't. I dunno. It's just something to say, like "Uh huh," "okay," "allright," etc etc.

Anotherlover

AnotherLoverToo said:

There has been lots of controversy rummaging around this quote. I dont say it UNLESS i TRULY UNDERSTAND what that person is experiencing. Just to say it & have no clue, is useless & irritating 2 the other. Be able 2 back up ur words with ur experience of the same kind...I guess some ppl say it bcuz they dont know what else to say or how to console U. Usually I find it's said with sincere empathy, not vindictiveness at all. try 2 understand that too. we r all human & make mistakes.

DORA said:

To make sure I'm understanding you: are you saying that schizoaffective disorder and bipolar disorder are the same? They're actually quite different. Someone with schizoid tendencies has a marked lack of emotion, usually remains detached, blocked, intellectualizes and is unable to reach/share feelings. Someone who is bipolar fluctuates between mania and depression. I think you meant to label my emoticons--me --bipolar, rather than schizoid.

This review was fun, though! Thanks!

CarrieMpls said:

Hi, Carrie!

I agree with you, I think that many people want to bond with someone else who is in pain and show solidarity, so they share something similar from their own lives. If I'm close to someone, I think it's easier to do this with a positive outcome. Or if I'm working with a client who seems to need reassurance that their emotions are "normal", I will share personal things--briefly--and then go back to their experience. It also can help me seem more down-to-earth and real for them.

Natsume said:

Right! Like, I'll tell someone something and then say "okay"? NOT okay as in asking permission, but more like "did you get/comprehend what I just said". Maybe when someone says "I understand", they mean "I hear you" instead of "I know exactly what you're going through"?
Natsume
(all of these damned quotation marks! )
[This message was edited Sat May 24 23:56:18 PDT 2003 by AnotherLoverToo]

AnotherLoverToo said:

Hi AnotherLover! Glad to see you back.

Yes, it's definitely works to help assure people they are normal, and help them bond with you as well. In fact, once I was having a particualrly difficult day at work and I sat down to have a status with one of my employees and before we started talking about her I vented a little. This employee has had a difficult time of things herself with lots of things going on, a few deaths in her immediate family, 2 daughters who both are in and out of the hospital with asthma and ear infections, and such. When I finished venting she looked at me strange, then laughed. I was like, what's up? And she just said, it's good to know you're human! You're always so damn happy.

I UNDERSTAND, and I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL...

00769BAD said:

...

I think, a lot of the time, for me anyway, if someone tells me that and starts talking about instances in their life that relate... it makes me feel better, knowing that I am not alone. When someone just says that, just for the sake of saying it or not really seeming as though they do know... it tends to make me feel worse in that I think they just want me to stop talking and/or that they really couldn't possibly have any idea what-so-ever of what it is that I am talking about.

I do this... I say "I understand", when it comes to certain things that I can relate to. I'm not sure that is a good thing at all. Sometimes I know that it isn't a good thing.



.
[This message was edited Sun May 25 8:20:02 PDT 2003 by AzureStar]

AnotherLoverToo said:

i know what u mean... i say i understand though , i try not to give experience stories but sometimes it happens and i feel guilty doing it but it jus' happens!

Really i do Understand, and i know how you feel.

These are words that are best said in a context like this
thread. When it comes to personal shit there's really no
comparason (that don't look rite )
One can understand how they would feel, but really our individuality prevents us from feeling anothers TRUE PAIN.

00769BAD said:

I understand, dahling! Rally I do! Because you see, there was this one time when I...blah blah blah...and then I ...blah blah blah...because I am just sooo amazing...blah blah blah

AzureStar said:

Yeah. So it depends on who does it, and what the situation is. Sometimes a person has had a really similar experience and it is truly good to know they "understand". Someone else, however, might be totally OFFbase even though they think they know.

Maybe it would be better not to assume everyone feels or reacts the same way we do. But we can still offer to share what we think of as "common ground".
[This message was edited Sun May 25 12:45:08 PDT 2003 by AnotherLoverToo]

I would probably say something like...

I have had a similar experience, but I could never feel what you are feeling...

CarrieMpls said:

Absolutely! I have to do the same thing.