HELLO PEOPLE.


Okay, so you're with your mate. You marry. Have a child.
Overtime you realize that this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
You're not in love with this person anymore.
Haven't been for years now.
You care for them...but you're not in love.
You're depressed more often than not.
You know that the only reason you're together is because you have brought a child into the world.
You want your child to have both parents around but when you're together you don't get along.
You start to resent each other because you feel like you're stuck...but you want to put the child first and work it out.
Counseling hasn't made it any better.
When is it time to call it quits and not feel like you're abandoning the situation.

My advice is this:

In my opinion a child grows up happier in a harmonious home. If you are depressed, unhappy, and you and your mate cant see eye to eye, what affect do you think this is having on the child? Probably not a very good one. The only way you are going to make your child happy is if you are truly happy with in yourself. I totally disagree with staying together for the "childs sake". The child can still have both parents in his/her life. As long as you both can be mature enough to remain civil for the childs sake it can be just as healthy for a child say living in a happy home with both parents. You have to do what makes you happy because like I said, if you are happy your child will be, too! If you have truly tried everything to make the marriage work and you still are both not content then its time to move on. You only live once remember, you have to make the best of this life. Just go about it the right way so it will benefit not only your life but your childs life also.

I agree.

I think it's hard not to feel selfish though.

Especially both parents having grown up with either parent missing. You want to do better for your own kid.

This isn't about me actually. It's been the life of my sister for the last 4 years.

I'm out of advice to give her. I'm out of books to buy her.
I'm out of energy to help anymore.

I was in the exact same scenario. I am blessed that their father has been as much the center of their life as he ever was. He and I were married far to young. We ended up like brother and sister and moved on a few years ago. We selected to live near each other and raise them jointly. So far so pleased. They have adjusted well!


One of the final straws was that I realized My daughter was getting older and we were modeling a loveless marriage to her. She would grow up and seek out the same sort of thing. Thinking it was normal.

I loved him as a person but I wasn't in love with him. We had just began to live separate lives. We only did family events together. That wasn't healthy.

I even saw a shrink 3 times. I wanted help to stay in the marriage as I thought I was evil and selfish to want out. She convinced me I wasn't evil. Then dismissed me. I know now it was the best thing for all involved. Took some time.

I'm no expert, and i hope i'm not repeting anthing.


BUT, sometimes it's in the kids best interest to end the thing. Even if the don't pick up on the strife between
the parents, they will be growing in an enviorment that lacks TRUE LOVE and in the years that count, having been
exposed to that kind of relationship, they too may fall
into that same pattern.
Even those who come from the best of circumstances are not
gurenteed a happy marriage, but the odds are better for them.

I'd rather my child grow up seeing his or her parents happy with life than to have my child growing up thinking that marriage means being miserable with someone for the rest of your life.

I guess it is easier when your not the one walking out!

I grew up with both my parents and from my experience
a child can be just as miserable with both parents in the
house!

They tried seperating before and get back together.

It's good for a few months again and then they're back to the same BS.

It's this vicious cycle that keeps on repeating itself.

I think it's time to intervene now.

I've kept my mouth shut for long enough now.

It feels like I'm the one going through it and that's just not something I'm willing to deal with.

I wanna tell them I think it's in their best interest to divorce even though they both know it, but I just don't feel like it's my place.

Muse2noPharaoh said:

so how do you take the first step into leaving the situation

it's not a point of either of them being without a home.

who should take the first step and make it an official seperation

Anxiety said:

My sentiments exactly!! Well stated Anx!!!


...thought ya knew!!...

While I was growing up my parents talked about divorcing a lot and I wasn't hearing that noise at all. I had enough friends whose parents were and I liked having both of my parents and sister as a FAMILY!! After 20 yrs of marriage they did split though and for the next 10 yrs I held a lot against my MOM until she broke the news to me that DAD cheated on her yrs ago with another lady who he impregnated and MOM knew but stayed w/him for mine and my sisters sake. I have grown up a lot and have a better understanding for this situation so I am more accepting of there divorce. No wonder I haven't gotten married yet!

I think it's much healthier to split and raise the children jointly. Kids are aware of much more than people realize. If the house isn't happy, the kids won't be either...

My advice: All children are going to feel pain and suffering at some point either in their childhood or when they grow up (all people at some point are going to run into loss of friends and love ones and encounter drugs, cancer and aids, mabey not to them but through people close to them), also kids are not stupid. So why live a lie, you'll only end up hurting them more. You can't hide your true feeling forever. Don't prolong the kids agony. Be straight with them and spoil them rotten as they deserve to be anyway.

CAMILLE4U said:

I'm only 19 so I'm no expert. That's just my point of view. I'm often prooved wrong!

Listen I been in the situation where both parents wanted out,but because they have children not of their own they chose to stay together and believe me you don't want your child growing up like that because things don't get better unless someone leaves.

Those same two people are still married right now and it's going on 30 years. They sleep in seperate rooms, sex is out unless it's with different people, they still go at each others throats, but they're waiting for the other one to die.

My situation is a bit different, for my Aunt and Uncle raised my sister and I.

The situation was... that before they gain custody of us, my Aunt and Uncle were having problems. They never had children of their own and eventually divorced. Although, here is the twist...

When my Great Aunt decided to try and gain full-custody, my Uncle knew of her intentions. He decided he would help her raise us, and although he moved back with my Aunt... they were never remarried, nor shared any kind of intimacies. They were strictly together for the sake of "us".

So, basically they both lived a loveless life (intimately)... except for the love they gained from us.
Whether or not I see this as "common", it definitely was my environment.

Today, I give them my life... but deep inside, I see the loneliness they must feel and have lived with for years. I actually talk to my Uncle about this often and when I do... I see the pain in his eyes of wondering "What if", now he is 77 yrs.

~We all have one life (that we know of) here on earth, I believe we should for one... make our own choices (free of other influences), but I profoundly believe... living with peace and contentment is critical and if through time one cannot acquire this with constant attempts, it may be time to move on.

We all deserve to feel and be loved

~Yes, there are many degrees of love, although being loved intimately/physically and unconditionally by another is truly one of the most beautiful gifts to ever exist.

~To live a life without this experience is detrimental to the heart, soul and beautiful mind.

Love is a necessity, as food and water is as well.

thanks everyone for your input!!!

i'm goin to print this out before i leave the job and give it to my sister.

it helps to have an outside opinion.

hopefully it will help her in some way

luv4thepurple1 said:

couldn't have put it better.

also remember: you have a responsibility to yourSELF, too.