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Drinking Problem... Can Anyone Really Help Someone With One? My ex called me this morning at arond 3 am, and made a few other calls to me from that point until 5 am and was crying, about how he's fucked up and needs to stop drinking. He has a very bad drinking problem and it has gotten so bad, since I left, that he misses more work than he had when we were still living together, and it's affecting many other things in his life.
He wants me to help him. How can I help him? I have tried and tried to help him stop, I have even broken down within the past week or say, making comments about drinking and being at the bar again, etc... thinking he'd get the hint of what I was saying. It didn't happen. He was supposed to get up for work this morning at 6:15 (right... the last call from him was a 4:55 am), and he wanted me to call him and wake him up and then he made another call to tell me to call him on the home phone because he broke his cellular. This pissed me off and I started yelling, because this is the second cell phone he's broken in the past three weeks because he was drunk and feeling sorry for himself. I mean, he JUST bought this one two-three weeks ago and the thing wasn't cheap. So, I call this morning, of course he's not answering. He didn't work yesterday because of drinking and he slept all day. He hasn't seen the kids in three weeks (it will be three weeks as of tomorrow), basically because going to the bar with friends is more important to him at the time... and has only talked to them on the phone once during that time for about a minute each, just to say hello. I have tried to get him to see them, offering him to go and eat with me and the kids, offering him to come over here or to take them to his place. I spoke to AnotherLover about this, and she did give good advice when she said that I cannot force them to have a relationship. Thankfully, my kids haven't mentioned him in the past three weeks either. He's not a horrible man... he and I had problems because he is controlling and then because of his controlling and drinking... but can I really help? If so, how? I'm not sure if there is anything I can do to help. It seems to me like he will say this now, because he's feeling bad because he didn't get up for work and he's making a mess out of things, and the second one of his friends wants to go to the bar, off he'll go. I don't want to see him go downhill, but I can't really be responsible for him, can I? If I knew that there was anything I could do to help, I would... I'm just not sure there is, and if there is, what it would be. Any suggestions on what I might do? By they way... I only ask because I need someone to ask other than his drunk friends, or my friends who are happy that I am not with him... . [This message was edited Thu May 8 6:34:39 PDT 2003 by AzureStar] | |
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I sent you an org note, hon...hang in there  | |
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this is a very knotty problem.
you can inspire them to change, and you can love them while they struggle, but no one can force an addict to change. it HAS to come from inside. take care of yourself, too, azure, and good luck | |
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Al-Anon is different than Alcoholic's Anonymous. It is for those who have a loved one who is an alcoholic. Call them or log on at www.miafg.org (for your state). Give your ex the local Alcoholic's Anonymous # or website. He may need to go into a detox/treatment center. If he can't afford it, he can go to the Public Health Dept. for an assessment and they will determine if he's eligible for financial assistance for treatment. [This message was edited Thu May 8 7:07:21 PDT 2003 by NegaTIVity] | |
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i know exactly what you're going through.
i've been there. i grew up with and around drunks in the family your partners' dependance on booze is real. it's mental and physical. people can give you advice out the wazzoo but each individual is different. i can only tell you about what happened to me. one thing i did is confront the friends that call. get the phone. hang it up. when they came over, i'd tell them he isn't home. i did whatever was in my power to keep him away from them. my situation didnt end well. hopefully yours will. but ask yourself why are you putting up with that behavior? maybe he knows that whatever he does you're still gonna be there so he doesnt feel the threat or the need to quit yeah you may love him. he might be the sweetest guy in the world when he's sober. but as for right now, his addiction is your addiction. is that what you want? do you think you deserve better? i know i did so i made the decision to let it go. | |
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XxAxX said: this is a very knotty problem.
you can inspire them to change, and you can love them while they struggle, but no one can force an addict to change. it HAS to come from inside. take care of yourself, too, azure, and good luck Ditto You can't force anyone to change, only your reactions to this person can you control. The use of force will only delay healing. | |
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AzureStar said: My ex called me this morning at arond 3 am, and made a few other calls to me from that point until 5 am and was crying, about how he's fucked up and needs to stop drinking. He has a very bad drinking problem and it has gotten so bad, since I left, that he misses more work than he had when we were still living together, and it's affecting many other things in his life.
He wants me to help him. How can I help him? I have tried and tried to help him stop, I have even broken down within the past week or say, making comments about drinking and being at the bar again, etc... thinking he'd get the hint of what I was saying. It didn't happen. He was supposed to get up for work this morning at 6:15 (right... the last call from him was a 4:55 am), and he wanted me to call him and wake him up and then he made another call to tell me to call him on the home phone because he broke his cellular. This pissed me off and I started yelling, because this is the second cell phone he's broken in the past three weeks because he was drunk and feeling sorry for himself. I mean, he JUST bought this one two-three weeks ago and the thing wasn't cheap. So, I call this morning, of course he's not answering. He didn't work yesterday because of drinking and he slept all day. He hasn't seen the kids in three weeks (it will be three weeks as of tomorrow), basically because going to the bar with friends is more important to him at the time... and has only talked to them on the phone once during that time for about a minute each, just to say hello. I have tried to get him to see them, offering him to go and eat with me and the kids, offering him to come over here or to take them to his place. I spoke to AnotherLover about this, and she did give good advice when she said that I cannot force them to have a relationship. Thankfully, my kids haven't mentioned him in the past three weeks either. He's not a horrible man... he and I had problems because he is controlling and then because of his controlling and drinking... but can I really help? If so, how? I'm not sure if there is anything I can do to help. It seems to me like he will say this now, because he's feeling bad because he didn't get up for work and he's making a mess out of things, and the second one of his friends wants to go to the bar, off he'll go. I don't want to see him go downhill, but I can't really be responsible for him, can I? If I knew that there was anything I could do to help, I would... I'm just not sure there is, and if there is, what it would be. Any suggestions on what I might do? By they way... I only ask because I need someone to ask other than his drunk friends, or my friends who are happy that I am not with him... . [This message was edited Thu May 8 6:34:39 PDT 2003 by AzureStar] Are you sure he's not doing something more than just drinking? Most of my friends who had drinking problems would pass out drunk, not be up till 5 in the morning. I'm only asking this because I used to have a cocaine problem and I was drinking alot. I would be up till the wee hours of the morning and get very emotional and start blabbing all kinds of stuff to the people I was around. Everytime I see psychologists on TV talking about alchohol and other addictions, they always recommend substituting the behavior with something constructive. Exercise is an awesome way to relieve stress, and the better and better you look as a result of it can really be a boost to your self esteem. Maybe offer to go walking at your local park in the evenings with him and BS with him a bit. | |
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pimpdoutt said: i know exactly what you're going through.
i've been there. i grew up with and around drunks in the family your partners' dependance on booze is real. it's mental and physical. people can give you advice out the wazzoo but each individual is different. i can only tell you about what happened to me. one thing i did is confront the friends that call. get the phone. hang it up. when they came over, i'd tell them he isn't home. i did whatever was in my power to keep him away from them. my situation didnt end well. hopefully yours will. but ask yourself why are you putting up with that behavior? maybe he knows that whatever he does you're still gonna be there so he doesnt feel the threat or the need to quit yeah you may love him. he might be the sweetest guy in the world when he's sober. but as for right now, his addiction is your addiction. is that what you want? do you think you deserve better? i know i did so i made the decision to let it go.  Very good answer | |
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IT SOUND LIKE HE TRYING SO YOU KEEP TRYING TOO P o o |/, P o o |\ | |
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 Don't give up.  |
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moderatorNegaTIVity said: Al-Anon is different than Alcoholic's Anonymous. It is for those who have a loved one who is an alcoholic. Call them or log on at www.miafg.org (for your state). Give your ex the local Alcoholic's Anonymous # or website. He may need to go into a detox/treatment center. If he can't afford it, he can go to the Public Health Dept. for an assessment and they will determine if he's eligible for financial assistance for treatment.
[This message was edited Thu May 8 7:07:21 PDT 2003 by NegaTIVity] Very excellent! ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections... unknown | |
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The only persons you are responsible for is yourself and your children..
Don't play saviour it doesn't work... ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections... unknown | |
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sag10 said: The only persons you are responsible for is yourself and your children..
Don't play saviour it doesn't work... I agree with sag10. Years ago, I tried to help a friend stop drinking, I went with them to AA, listened to many 3AM ranting phone calls. This person kept going back to the bottle no matter what anyone did. After a couple of years of this I couldn't help anymore. It became very disruptive to my life. As a result, I will not allow this person to call me or come to my home. They are now homeless and still hitting the bottle. I have no longer wanted their friendship because drinking has destroyed it. I really hope that does not happen to you. Remember one thing: your ex has too want to end his drinking, he has to want to change his habit, deep down inside if he does not want change & stop drinking he won't, no matter what you do for him. I feel for you & I am sorry, your story makes me tear up just thinking about it. | |
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Thanks for the advice and links, etc... I've tried calling him all morning, and was actually let out of work early today because I'm nearing overtime... so, I tried calling to maybe set up a time to talk since I was out. He's not answering. I didn't drive over there either to see if he was home.
I'm going to suggest AA, as well as looking into the Al-Anon (maybe... you know how I am with things like that). pimpdoutt: Yeah... the majority of my father's side of the family, all of them really, are alcoholics. But, I've never really had to deal with one, other than my ex-husband, and when I was there it was different. Now that I don't live with him, I am not sure what it is that I am supposed to do to help, or how I am supposed to go about it. When I lived with him, prior to the end, when he was going to go out drinking I would make comments, sometimes smart-assed ones, which would lead to a fight, but, the reason I would do that is because I knew that if we fought, he wouldn't leave and go drink... he'd pull the ole, "FINE! I won't drink another drop again in my life!", thing. And, he'd be sober for maybe a week, until the next time. Sometimes I couldn't stop him from going and sometimes I didn't care if he did. Lately, that's all he's been doing. Everytime I talk to him he is at the bar. Everytime we've talked lately he bitches at me about the most off the wall things, and I don't understand, but agree with him to get him off the phone. He claimed last night, that his drinking is because I left him. That he has nothing to come home to... that the house is empty, there is no one there. To which I explained that when I was there he never did anything but constantly boss and/or yell at the kids and me, so I didn't really understand. So, to fend off his feeling of being lonely, he's hit the bottle that much more. Why am I putting up with the behaviour? I don't know. Maybe because I spent ten years of my life with him, and even though we don't work together, I don't want to see him heading in the direction he is in. Lately I haven't cared what he did... until he called last night and talked to me asking for help. Do I want this? No. Because it makes me an emotional mess and I've already got way too much going on with myself that I'm trying to deal with. And, I do think that I deserve better, that is why I did leave, however, I can't just let him figure it out for himself, can I? I can't just turn my back... or, maybe that is what I do need to do. I don't know. Thanks for your post...  | |
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Tom said: Are you sure he's not doing something more than just drinking? Most of my friends who had drinking problems would pass out drunk, not be up till 5 in the morning. I'm only asking this because I used to have a cocaine problem and I was drinking alot. I would be up till the wee hours of the morning and get very emotional and start blabbing all kinds of stuff to the people I was around. Everytime I see psychologists on TV talking about alchohol and other addictions, they always recommend substituting the behavior with something constructive. Exercise is an awesome way to relieve stress, and the better and better you look as a result of it can really be a boost to your self esteem. Maybe offer to go walking at your local park in the evenings with him and BS with him a bit. No, I am 100% positive that he is not doing drugs. He hates drugs with a passion... (other than alcohol). He has always stayed up late, so him being up that early in the morning is not unusual at all. I'll suggest that. He recently bought a weight set, and it's at the house sitting in the garage, unopened. I have tried to get him to set it up, even telling him that I'd come over to use it, too. He has zero desire to be at the house or do anything there. He's basically lived at the bar for the past two months. His friends are a huge problem. All of them drink, but all of them are loaded (well, they aren't, their parents are)... so they can afford to drink and not do anything (they don't have jobs because mommy and daddy give them money), so they will call him over and over until he gives in to go to the bar. When I was still with my ex, I had told those friends to lay off the bar thing or drinking thing... it didn't matter. What do they care? Thanks... | |
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slm4m said: sag10 said: The only persons you are responsible for is yourself and your children..
Don't play saviour it doesn't work... I agree with sag10. Years ago, I tried to help a friend stop drinking, I went with them to AA, listened to many 3AM ranting phone calls. This person kept going back to the bottle no matter what anyone did. After a couple of years of this I couldn't help anymore. It became very disruptive to my life. As a result, I will not allow this person to call me or come to my home. They are now homeless and still hitting the bottle. I have no longer wanted their friendship because drinking has destroyed it. I really hope that does not happen to you. Remember one thing: your ex has too want to end his drinking, he has to want to change his habit, deep down inside if he does not want change & stop drinking he won't, no matter what you do for him. I feel for you & I am sorry, your story makes me tear up just thinking about it. But, that's what I'm wondering... does he really want to quit? Was this a cry for help or was it because he was drunk off his ass and it sounded good at the moment and today it's all a different story? You know? Like someone up there said... I can't force him to quit, and it's almost like that's what he's asking me to do. I just can't do that. | |
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sag10 said: The only persons you are responsible for is yourself and your children..
Don't play saviour it doesn't work... I know, Sag... but it's so hard. AnotherLover has been trying to pound that into my brain over other things regarding him... but it's hard for me to just turn my back on anyone... even him. | |
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AzureStar said: sag10 said: The only persons you are responsible for is yourself and your children..
Don't play saviour it doesn't work... I know, Sag... but it's so hard. AnotherLover has been trying to pound that into my brain over other things regarding him... but it's hard for me to just turn my back on anyone... even him. Please be careful..."savoirs" are often pushed aside. | |
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slm4m said: AzureStar said: sag10 said: The only persons you are responsible for is yourself and your children..
Don't play saviour it doesn't work... I know, Sag... but it's so hard. AnotherLover has been trying to pound that into my brain over other things regarding him... but it's hard for me to just turn my back on anyone... even him. Please be careful..."savoirs" are often pushed aside. I'm okay with being pushed aside... I've had 30 years of getting used to it. I just don't want to try and end up tearing myself up trying to help someone who might not even help themself. I can't do it on my own. | |
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AzureStar said: I just don't want to try and end up tearing myself up trying to help someone who might not even help themself. I can't do it on my own.
The bottom line is that you can't help anyone who won't help themselves. You may do more damage to yourself in the long run. You could find out about a professional intervention. | |
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It sounds to me that its the late night drunken phone calls that trigger your emtions --- maybe, tell him straight, not to call when he has been drinking, talk to him when he is sober. Refuse all interaction with him if he has been drinking. Sounds harsh, I know, but doing that will help you keep your sanity -- and you won't feel like you are turning your back on him. If he calls drunk, hang up, but make sure he understands that you will not talk to him as long as he is drunk. | |
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Okay... so. I just called his dad, since I wasn't able to reach my ex still. His dad ended up having his wife go over to the house to see if he was there because he has not answered any phones all day. So, he is there and I am on my way over there.
slm4m: I can't do that. I can't hang up on someone like that unless I'm so mad that I can't talk anymore. It is impossible for me to do, and I can't bring myself to tell someone NOT to call me, because what if they need to and don't because I had told them not to. I'm thinking I bring a lot of this on myself, because of that reason, but I can't help it... that's the way I am. | |
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not to get all "dr. phil" with you, but you need to stop being the victim and take control of the situation.
you're really not helping him any by being there every time he wants to acts up. he knows you're gonna be there. you can't keep giving him a "safe place" it's doing more harm than good. why would he WANT to change if you're making it easy for him not too? think about it. i feel for you. i really do. the things i'm telling you are the things my REAL friends told me & it's the truth it's not going to be easy but you need to take control. | |
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AzureStar said: Okay... so. I just called his dad, since I wasn't able to reach my ex still. His dad ended up having his wife go over to the house to see if he was there because he has not answered any phones all day. So, he is there and I am on my way over there.
slm4m: I can't do that. I can't hang up on someone like that unless I'm so mad that I can't talk anymore. It is impossible for me to do, and I can't bring myself to tell someone NOT to call me, because what if they need to and don't because I had told them not to. I'm thinking I bring a lot of this on myself, because of that reason, but I can't help it... that's the way I am. I understand... I know its hard. At least, keep things as calm as possible, stay calm no matter what. If you go over there, please take someone with you, be safe. | |
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slm4m said: It sounds to me that its the late night drunken phone calls that trigger your emtions --- maybe, tell him straight, not to call when he has been drinking, talk to him when he is sober. Refuse all interaction with him if he has been drinking. Sounds harsh, I know, but doing that will help you keep your sanity -- and you won't feel like you are turning your back on him. If he calls drunk, hang up, but make sure he understands that you will not talk to him as long as he is drunk.
THAT SOUND LIKE GOOD IDEA NOT NOW MISTER CALL BACK IN MORNING! P o o |/, P o o |\ | |
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slm4m said: It sounds to me that its the late night drunken phone calls that trigger your emtions --- maybe, tell him straight, not to call when he has been drinking, talk to him when he is sober. Refuse all interaction with him if he has been drinking. Sounds harsh, I know, but doing that will help you keep your sanity -- and you won't feel like you are turning your back on him. If he calls drunk, hang up, but make sure he understands that you will not talk to him as long as he is drunk.
This is very good advice | |
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POOK said: slm4m said: It sounds to me that its the late night drunken phone calls that trigger your emtions --- maybe, tell him straight, not to call when he has been drinking, talk to him when he is sober. Refuse all interaction with him if he has been drinking. Sounds harsh, I know, but doing that will help you keep your sanity -- and you won't feel like you are turning your back on him. If he calls drunk, hang up, but make sure he understands that you will not talk to him as long as he is drunk.
THAT SOUND LIKE GOOD IDEA NOT NOW MISTER CALL BACK IN MORNING! Thanks, Pook. I never really know what to say for things like this -- I just think about what I have done with that situation | |
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AzureStar said: sag10 said: The only persons you are responsible for is yourself and your children..
Don't play saviour it doesn't work... I know, Sag... but it's so hard. AnotherLover has been trying to pound that into my brain over other things regarding him... but it's hard for me to just turn my back on anyone... even him. I know hun, you are a wonderful person. And just be careful... you are not his caretaker. He is a grown man...trying to trap you into pity. ^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
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sag10 said: AzureStar said: sag10 said: The only persons you are responsible for is yourself and your children..
Don't play saviour it doesn't work... I know, Sag... but it's so hard. AnotherLover has been trying to pound that into my brain over other things regarding him... but it's hard for me to just turn my back on anyone... even him. I know hun, you are a wonderful person. And just be careful... you are not his caretaker. He is a grown man...trying to trap you into pity. Yeah... well... so this is it and I am done with it and done talking about it... I do thank you all for your responses... (edit: this here read kind of harsh... I am not being snotty to you, Sag... I think you know that anyway... I'm just really frustrated and angry right now with him and am not going to concern myself with it anymore). I drove over there and his car is in the drive. Beat on the door and he doesn't answer. Call him... he answers. He's sleeping. I went off on him, basically telling him what a loser he is for sleeping in all day because he's feeling bad about himself because he drank last night and that I am tired of being called to help him or being made to feel bad for leaving. I then told him that if he isn't willing to help himself, don't expect anyone else to be willing to help him either. He said, "Thanks for that, that made me feel better." and hung up the phone on me. Fuck it. You know what... you're right, slm4m, and I'm tired of this. I have my own shit to deal with right now and it is too draining on me to worry about if he is okay or if there is anything that I can do to help him. I can't. It's as simple as that. I cannot do it. There is nothing more sorry to me than seeing a person allow themselves to be destroyed. I hate that I do it (though not in this same manner) and I hate to see anyone else do it. But I cannot "save" him... I had a hard enough time saving myself. . [This message was edited Thu May 8 12:39:09 PDT 2003 by AzureStar] | |
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