"alright, let me hear U scream"
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO,
WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP
AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS
AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR
ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES,
"I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO
AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT
AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT
THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS,
THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE
BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE
AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR
ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES,
"I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO
AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND
TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T
LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?
I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE.
I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS,
"OH, I'M SORRY."
AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED
AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE
WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER,
'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
Three men, one German, one Japanese, and a hillbilly
were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped,
he said: I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear,
when he finished he explained:
That was my mobile phone,
I have a microchip in my hand.
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech,
but not to be outdone he decided he had to do
something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and
went to the bathroom.
Having returned with a piece of toilet paper
hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The hillbilly finally said…
Well would you look at that
I’m getting a fax!
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door,
she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked:
'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied:
'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried,
and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter
making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing,
the daughter said:
'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about
as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later,
the wife came home from a shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen counter,
and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed
her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer,
and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked:
'What the fukkk are you doing?'
The husband replied:
'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says,
"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember,
but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
however, your penis was severed in the accident
and the paramedics couldn't find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on…
"You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though,
and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap.
It's roughly £1,000 an inch.
The man perks up. So, the doctor says,
"You must decide how many inches you want.
But understand that you have been married for
over thirty years and this is something you should
discuss with your wife.
If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now,
she might be a bit uncomfortable.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide
to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed."
The doctor comes back the next day,
"So, have you spoken with your wife?”
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?”
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen''
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and
dry cleaners depressed?
My wife and I were driving the other day.
We passed a Dairy Queen that had a sign that said
“Happy tastes good.”
I said
“I wonder what the other six taste like?”
I had to explain it.
SOMEBODY came up to me the other day
and started explainin to me why they feel
that my attitude is one that pushes people away...
THIS IS WHAT YOU SAY when someone has
some shit to say about what you do in life...
The AMAZON RIVER runs for thousands of miles...
At some points it runs through areas that are almost untouched
and have been barely explored...
Because of the porous limestone in these areas,
the river water leaks through the stone
and travels deep into the earth and forms underground pools
almost a mile below the surface...
OVER A THOUSANDS OF YEARS
small blind transparent fish have lived and
evolved in these pools...
THESE FISH have never seen the sun or the surface
AND have never been seen by the human eye...
THESE FISH GIVE MORE OF A FUKKK
THAN I DO ABOUT THIS!!!
that's my time...
cathc you on the flip flop BABY....
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