"RENT'S DUE CUZZIN'!!!"

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom

while grandma was dusting furniture,

he looked up and said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied,

"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The TV evangelists keep me company and

make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh.

I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible.

She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV

hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring

so he hurried to open the door.
When he opened the door,

there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said,

"Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied,

"Yeah, she's in the bedroom

bangin' her boyfriend."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

===========================================

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,

she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg

to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

luv4u said:

i know you see the titles and think 'OH SHIT!!!'

then remember they a quote....

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONAL AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in

Downtown Savannah night before last.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket

that you demanded that I hand over,

shortly after you pulled the knife on

me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you some how

come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment;

I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants

when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket..

The evening was not that cold,

and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely

from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan ..

She had
just bought me that Kimber Custom Model

1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday,

and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is

a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ...

isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back

to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants.

I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed

since I made you leave your shoes,

cell phone, and wallet with me.
(That prevented you from calling or running

to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma"

as you had her listed in your cell,

I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.

Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those

of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card.

The guy with the big motor home took

153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy

outside Vinnie Van Go Go's,

along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile"

that was parked at the curb .....

after I broke the windshield and side window

and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier,

I managed to get in two threatening phone calls

to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Trump as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense

and we had a nice long chat

(I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ...

but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment

for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through

some of these rather immediate pressing issues,

and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon,

and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life..

Remember,

next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Semper Fi

u nut

"eye wrote this while looking in the mirror."

KingBAD said:

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONAL AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in

Downtown Savannah night before last.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket

that you demanded that I hand over,

shortly after you pulled the knife on

me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you some how

come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment;

I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants

when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket..

The evening was not that cold,

and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely

from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan ..

She had
just bought me that Kimber Custom Model

1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday,

and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is

a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ...

isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back

to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants.

I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed

since I made you leave your shoes,

cell phone, and wallet with me.
(That prevented you from calling or running

to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma"

as you had her listed in your cell,

I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.

Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those

of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card.

The guy with the big motor home took

153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy

outside Vinnie Van Go Go's,

along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile"

that was parked at the curb .....

after I broke the windshield and side window

and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier,

I managed to get in two threatening phone calls

to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Trump as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense

and we had a nice long chat

(I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ...

but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment

for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through

some of these rather immediate pressing issues,

and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon,

and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life..

Remember,

next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Semper Fi

Oh, f$%k!

2freaky4church1 said:

u nut

"come here, take my hand, I'll show U..."

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE.
AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER,

ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER,

" WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL

ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED,

"INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER,

BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER,

SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE

AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM"

THE OTHER NUN REPLIED AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK

AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE

WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.
"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR"

THE NUN SAID,

"BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED

UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS,

AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE,

SMILED, AND SAID:

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE.

KingBAD said:

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE.
AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER,

ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER,

" WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL

ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED,

"INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER,

BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER,

SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE

AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM"

THE OTHER NUN REPLIED AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK

AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE

WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.
"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR"

THE NUN SAID,

"BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED

UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS,

AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE,

SMILED, AND SAID:

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE.

......................................................................................................

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

Husband walks in & says I've been so busy I don t know if I'm coming or going.

Wife says, "by the look on your face, you're going....Because when you're cuming you look like a fuckin' stroke victim trying to whistle!!"

purplethunder3121 said:

KingBAD said:

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE.
AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER,

ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER,

" WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL

ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"
THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED,

"INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER,

BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER,

SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE

AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."
"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM"

THE OTHER NUN REPLIED AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK

AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.
THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE

WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER.
"WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR"

THE NUN SAID,

"BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO.
WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED

UNDER THE COUNTER, PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS,

AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE,

SMILED, AND SAID:

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE.

......................................................................................................

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off." Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. ! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

.

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

.

“You see,” laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

.

Now, how about that drink?"

S2DG said:

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

S2DG said:

Husband walks in & says I've been so busy I don t know if I'm coming or going.

Wife says, "by the look on your face, you're going....Because when you're cuming you look like a fuckin' stroke victim trying to whistle!!"

S2DG said:

Husband walks in & says I've been so busy I don t know if I'm coming or going.

Wife says, "by the look on your face, you're going....Because when you're cuming you look like a fuckin' stroke victim trying to whistle!!"

LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!

KingBAD said:

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONAL AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in

Downtown Savannah night before last.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket

that you demanded that I hand over,

shortly after you pulled the knife on

me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you some how

come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment;

I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants

when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket..

The evening was not that cold,

and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely

from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan ..

She had
just bought me that Kimber Custom Model

1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday,

and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

Obviously you agree that it is

a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ...

isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back

to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants.

I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed

since I made you leave your shoes,

cell phone, and wallet with me.
(That prevented you from calling or running

to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma"

as you had her listed in your cell,

I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.

Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those

of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card.

The guy with the big motor home took

153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy

outside Vinnie Van Go Go's,

along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile"

that was parked at the curb .....

after I broke the windshield and side window

and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier,

I managed to get in two threatening phone calls

to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Trump as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense

and we had a nice long chat

(I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ...

but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment

for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through

some of these rather immediate pressing issues,

and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon,

and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life..

Remember,

next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Semper Fi

[Edited 9/24/20 16:01pm]

XxAxX said:

[Edited 9/24/20 16:01pm]