"u see words are like shoes, they're just something to stand on..."

PICKUP LINES
(or a hunnit one ways to be an asshole)
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
I'd like to get you wet...
At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
Would you have sex with me for $100?
I could really use the money.
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her,
and for you it's a diet coke.
Your name must be trigonometry,
because you make me want to cry.
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know. About ten pounds less than you.
Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.
Has a guy ever walked up to you
just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
My fridge is hotter than you.
From the moment I saw you,
I knew I would be spending the rest of my life
trying to avoid you.
Are you a red light because stop.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change... Except the direction I'm walking in.
Camel called. He wants his toe back.
Do you like wine? Because that's all your doing.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike,
but I just won't do it.
Do you know Santa? Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
So how many cats do you have?
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
Are you the sun? Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
Are you a cigarette? Because when I'm done with your butt
I'm gonna throw it away.
Are you a fire detector? Because you're loud and annoying.
If I could rearrange the alphabet... I'd leave it the way it is.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in
your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're fat as hell.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes... Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look
before I hit on your hot friend.
Did your driver's license get suspended?
For driving guys like you crazy?
No, because you're a woman so
I assume you're a horrible driver.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits
and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms
and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and
I need to find a book about cat funerals.
___________________________________________
Your skin is so soft, it would make a great mask.
Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?
I want to make a lampshade out of your skin,
because you light up my life.
Do you live in a corn field?
Because I'm stalking you.
Hey girl, I put the sensual in non-consensual.
You remind me of my pinky toe.
You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on
my coffee table later tonight.
As long as I have a face, you have somewhere to sit.
Hey babe, I've got a back seat with your name on it.
You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend.
Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?
I want to floss with your pubic hair.
Are you a termite? Because you're about to have a mouth full of wood.
Just say yes now, and I won't have to spike your drink.
Are you menstruating?
I know how to insert tampons.
You look much more beautiful close up
than you do through my telescope.
Your breasts look heavy.
Let me hold them for you.
I'm a necrophiliac
so why don't you drop dead and
I'll think about it.
You remind me of my sister.
In a romantic way.
Wanna come over to my place later?
I've got a gallon of lube and
all the Shrek movies on blu-ray.
Can I read your t-shirt in braille?
I love you more than my jar of fingers.
You should have worn that red dress you tried on earlier.
I was watching you get ready. I liked the red dress best.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
My Mom says I'm the best kisser she's ever known.
I'm starting an adult movie site.
Do you want to be in the first video?
I made a blood painting for you.
I want to be reincarnated as your baby
so I can be breast-fed by you.
There will only be seven planets left,
after I destroy Uranus.
You smell like trash, can I take you out?
I want to live in your socks,
so I can be with you every step of the way.
I put the STD in STUD. All I need is U.
Hey baby, do you want to have an abortion
a month from now?
I just wanted to let you know that you have
the sweetest smile while you're asleep.
I'm hung like a Tic Tac.
Wanna freshen your breath?
Is your Dad in prison?
If I were your Dad, I'd be in prison.
You can call me baby,
because I want to be inside you for the next 9 months.
I want to take your skin off and wear it as mine.
You're so cute, I wanna lock you up in my basement.
Naked.

[Edited 6/10/20 15:37pm]

purplethunder3121 said:

"is that a mirror in yo jeans???

cause i can sww me all in them...."